My life has not been peachy (page 5)

talesin

But Tom Robbins says it's never to late to have a happy childhood

Yah, too true. Hell, I am 45 going on 15! And it's about time. Just had to say "LogansRun, don't wait till you are my age to do it!"

t

logansrun

Good people,

Nothing like waking up to coffee and a little apostasy.

Thank you for the kind remarks and advice. I know there's not a whole lot one can say in threads like this. The proverbial (((hugs))), the "join a club", that sorta thing. Yeah, that DOES help, but it sure is a lot easier, in my opinion, to talk about the inconsistencies of WT chronology than the deep pyschological abyss of the soul. I've had NO PROBLEM leaving the intellectual aspect of the JWs behind and have felt that way since before I even left. But the social, psychological and even physical ramifications are still with me two years later (it's my anniversary this week, actually).

I think many JWs actually can have a normal family life, or at least one that approaches normalcy. Mine was far more complicated than that. Every meeting found my childhood heart beating in anticipation for the next time my father would make a fool of himself by getting into some petty argument with an elder, brother, etc. And then the argument carried on the way home and continued till my mind finally fell asleep. Every few weeks there were major outbursts. My entire childhood -- from birth till the day my mother left my father when I was 19 -- was a constant walking on eggshells. Yet, my father (or mother or anyone else) never so much as laid a finger on me. For that I am grateful.

It was neglect. Terrible neglect. My family life was so dysfunctional that my sister got married at 18 (not untypical for a dub, of course). I, on the other hand, with a lack of direction and, for all intents and purposes, no father, POURED myself into my religion. In a way, the Society became my new parent. Unlike my biological ones, the Society did place a lot of goals before me. There were constant rewards. I played by all the rules and, I have to admit, shined. Pioneer at 18. Ministerial Servant at 19. Public talk at 20. I lost track of the number of circuit and district parts I had. Nevertheless I masturbated routinely and was the only single, pioneering, "spiritual" JW in the world to do engage in such "secret sins." Yeah, that's what I thought.

But that parent was dysfunctional too. Even while I was making all this "progress" I was torn. I wanted to go to college and become history teacher but all my mentors said not to go. This even included the district overseer. Oh, they didn't say, "don't go" but the pressure was there. My mother, who encouraged college to me, was "not being spiritual." Well, when pressures like that -- did I mention I thought God would kill me if I didn't do my utmost? -- what nervous, inexperienced 17 year old with utterly no self confidence is going to question that? And from the only source that was giving me praise? Shut THAT out? Come on.

There were always some doubts and at 23 I started to REALLY think about them. A year and a half later I left the Society along with the comforts of my friends, family and the esteem of an organization.

I find myself thinking of my past more often now. I've re-established contact with my father (who disassociated himself years ago) and feel I'm taking care of HIM more than the other way around. I've entered therapy and am going to see a doctor. Perhaps some drugs will help; they did before. I'm a big-picture person and have a tendency to see all my problems all at once. They seem like Everest. What's the song say, "I'm tired of living but I'm too scared of dying?" Perhaps things aren't quite that bad, yet.

Sorry folks for rambling. Things will get better, I know. I'm going to make some pancakes now and put a bacon smiley face on it.

bradley

shotgun

My sis keeps telling me to take a step and hold on and then when your ready take another step and hold on.

Your smarter than your average bear Bradley and I'm sure you'll make it to a better place as well.

I'm not sure why we seem to have to walk through an eternity of muck to get there but it seems to be the only way.

Sassy

If you look at how very much your life has changed, it is no wonder what you are going through Bradley.. I'm glad that you are getting some therapy. I have had some in the past although never since exiting being a JW. (it was dealing with abuse I had received). I always felt I had to give a positive spin about the religion when in therapy so I didn't bring dishonor to Jehovah's name or his people.. now how stupid that was.. When I think about you going and talking to someone and can really put YOUR cards on the table.. talk about ALL the things that have effected your life.. how much you will benefit.. I think a great amount.

We'll all get through this.. it just takes time. Just remember to keep the examples of the awesome people here who have lovingly hung around past their JW wounds to support the new ones leaving. They show us that we will get there..

Hang in there..

Juls

Doubtfully Yours

(((logansrun))) So sorry you feel this way.

Sounds like an understanding, very loving girlfriend and some good drugs would make it alright.

Once again, (((logansrun))), sorry you feel this way.

DY

GentlyFeral

Logansrun, I haven't read the whole thread yet, but I was in a similar hole when I unjaydubbed 8 years ago. I stumbled on this strategy:

Write that article about What You Should Do, or at least draft it in your head.
One or two things will stand out as being attractive, immediately rewarding, or at least not onerous.
START WITH THOSE.
When those become habitual, some of the other boogymonsters will seem less formidable or more enticing than they were. Go on to those.

Here's a poem I wrote about the situation I was in when I DA'd. Good luck --

GentlyFeral

Hanging Fire

What was it like, when you discovered
You were what your people feared?
A stranger, a sinner bound for darkness?
An irremediable freak?
Strange clay shaped in the wrong hands?
I'm in love, and I'm in mourning.

What will guard me, if I should ever
Gather up one final breath
And scream till the airless walls collapse?
Shall I step out into darkness
Over a cliff? or into light?
I'm in love, and I'm in mourning.

What will happen if I recover
What little soul is left to me?
What bones await a resurrection?
A vampire, a whore, a deep-souled nun,
A soldier, a green drop in the surge?
I'm in love, and I'm in mourning.

The earth turns underfoot forever;
We who stand will surely fall.
But we who stumblingly step onward,
Wrestling with our brother, Fear,
Spit in the face of Entropy.
I am in love; and I'm in mourning. Winter 1996

stephoness

>We should have an Illinois Apostafest one of these days.

I am so there. Can we break every rule and donate blood, play the lottery, smoke cigarettes, do drugs, have lots of nasty sex, make women wear pants, make men wear skirts, get a tattoo and body piercings, and vote? Oh wait I've already done all of that. *pouts*

PS What's the deal with my avatar picture? What is the pixel size for the avatars on this board? I'll have to make a new one.

Sirius Dogma

B -

Hey, I don't think we could give you any advice that you don't already know. You writing shows how bright you are and I really enjoy reading your posts. If you ever visit in Northern Cali, you have a place to stay and someone to drink a martini with. Although I fall into the catergory of - too Male, San Francisco is not short on beautiful women. Now if I could only find out where they are hiding.

tink

chin up, kiddo. you've got a PM from me, so it can't be ALL bad. ; )

Special K

Well Bradley..

Dysfunctional parents and then the bad parenting of the WTBTS.. can leave one feeling pretty darn empty.

You seem like a intelligent young fellow.

Have you ever reconsidered trying to take steps towards becoming a history teacher.

Teaching is a good profession. Especially when you get those students who are really trying and want to learn. March break, Christmas holidays.. Summers off unless you work towards masters or bachelor of education.

You look like you could be a teacher if you wanted to.

..

Although, my oldest son is only 17.. I find the pressure to is on him to make all these decisions about what he wants to be. What he wants to take at University... It's alot of pressure.

I encourage him to keep all doors open in his last year of highschool (next year). His marks are good in all areas and could do whatever he wanted to do....

but still .. it is a hard decision and alot of pressure.

Some days he comes in the house after school and gives a great big sigh. I meet him with a hug and say "What's the matter?".. he answers, "It's just so good to be home".

This is what kids thrive on. You didn't have that and neither did I.. Bad parenting by our parents and bad parenting my the WTBTS.

...

Reach down deep inside yourself, if you can Bradley.. and find something within yourself that can be an anchoring rod for you.

I found I had to do that .. but it only came after about 5 years after exiting the borg. I too had crappy parents.. who didn't provide the nuturing that every kids needs to grow and find and develop this inner anchoring system.

I had a good husband and great young kids at the time. But I learned that it still wasn't enough to give me the stability I needed within myself... I had to find it within me.

I'll be thinking about you..Logansrun

((( Bradley )))

Special K

My life has not been peachy

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