Advice requested on response to mom's letter

by paulvarjak 19 Replies latest jw friends

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  paulvarjak

  I received this recently from my mother. The only contact I've had with any of my family since October has been an occasional email. I know many of you have had to deal with similar issues, so any advice on a well thought out response (if I even bother) would be appreciated.

  NOTE: The DFing offense mentioned in the email is presumed.

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  We still love you with all our hearts. I am going to be frank with you since you say you are well now and happy with your life. You may as well know how this has affected us.

  You are the one who has changed, not us. We are still the same people who raised you and have always loved you, only now we suffer from broken hearts. I never knew what pain was until you did this. No amount of watching others hurt from children who leave the truth can prepare one for experiencing the agony and hopelessness it is in reality. I know you have seen the faces of parents when you told them their children would be disfellowshipped. Seeing those faces is absolutely nothing compared to what went on in their hearts. No love is like the love a parent feels for a child. It is a love and bond
  that lasts a lifetime. Other relationships may come and go - even sibling relationships - but a child is always the love you have forever. We have always loved you. We love you now, though we don't approve of what you have done. We will always love you.

  You have turned you back on everything we hold dear and your last e-mail was fairly blatant in that you don't "share our views" anymore. You are 28 years old and you made the choice to put yourself, and us, in this position. It was certainly not our choice. You hold the power in this and I assume that is the way you want it. When you wrote your letter of disassociation, you knew what it would do to our family. You are not ignorant or an inexperienced teenager. You did a lot of things that have hurt us in the past few months. I never had to be concerned as to whether you were telling the truth or a lie before last October. You have slapped us in the face with your attitude. The name we have worked so hard to build for the past 40 years isn't the same now. You say you love us, but we haven't seen it in action. We haven't changed. You have.

  I know you did something that should have been handled judicially. I wish you had taken that course and not the course you did. Pride often gets in the way of our doing the things that are right but uncomfortable or embarrassing to us.

  All of the doubts and research to prove this is a wrong way of life had to start somewhere. *****(ex-wife) said you spent long hours reading on the computer in the middle of the night. For everyone who has left because of doubts in recent times, that has been a classic constant. You are very intelligent and you think you have, with a small group of other doubters, found holes in the truth. I want you to remember one thing. You may be smart, but you got your intelligence through inheritance from our genes. Don't sell us short. Your dad and I have spent our lives studying the Bible. Others as intelligent as you and more so have done the same without the results you think you have found. I haven't seen a person yet that started this thinking on their own. Our enemy makes sure when the mind is fertile, curiosity is high, or rationalization of a bad concience exists that he seizes the opportunity.

  We all miss you and miss being a family. Nothing has ever made me happier than being surrounded by my family. I feel empty now. The thought that it could last the rest of my life is almost unbearable. Your grandparents are devastated. My parents have gone through losing a daughter to the world and now a grandson that they took such pride in. I now understand them better than ever. Their grief for ******* is still raw after 25 years. Our grief will be raw as long as this situation exists. I regret that ****** has been hurt by this and has lost out on being a part of his only brothers life. When *****(disfellowshipped sister mentioned above) left, I still had one sister left. ******(aunt) and *****(uncle) miss you terribly. You and ****** are like sons to them - the closest things they have to children.

  No matter how this runs in the long term, we will always love you. But, our love and dedication to Jehovah have to come above all else. Without our creator, nothing else would matter. Without our faith, we could not have endured what you have put us through. I hope the day comes when you return to the beliefs you were brought up with. But only you can make that choice, just as you were the only one who made the choice to leave. You left us. We did not leave you. We are still here when you want to return. Our arms will be open wide. It is your choice.

  I really do love you and hopefully someday you will realize how much.

  Love...Mom

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  How would you respond to this type of emotional manipulation?
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  Fredhall

  Paulvarjak,

  How can you call this emotional manipulation? She love and care about you.
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  Darkangel

  It sucks for me to have to say it, even, but after reading that letter, I would suggest turning it right back to her.
  If she loved you so much, she would have realised how much you were hurting inside, and understand what a sacrifice you made by leaving. It's awful to have to do it that way, but when someone sees it through your eyes, they tend to be a little bit more understanding afterward. Let her know that you love her and all that, because you haven't changed, and neither have they. You just chose a different direction than they did. Show her that you're still the same person, and that you do still love her, but everyone has different beliefs. She needs to understand that first and foremost. Everyone can't agree ALL the time. When that is pointed out, it should hopefully make things easier.

  Angel
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  WildHorses

  Fred, her love is only conditional. She is trying to use emotional blackmail to bring him back to the org.

  If it were true, real motherly love. She would love him/her regardless of his/her decision of leaving the religion.
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  Pathofthorns

  Such a reply seems to almost be a standard one that many who leave on grounds of conscience seem to get from their parents. Mine basically said the same thing, and I feel for you.

  For me, i knew it was not worth responding to. Whatever you say will accomplish nothing but upset them further. I simply chose to leave them alone and move on with my life. Perhaps one day they will understand, but in the present there is nothing you can do.

  But they are the parents and you are their child. You have every right to love them and choose a different course while at the same time respecting theirs. "We don't force our young people to become JW's. That is a personal decision each one makes for himself."

  No matter what they say, it is THEY who leave you, because you didn't follow the party line. It is THEY who are under orders to SHUN anyone who asks the "wrong" questions and comes to the "wrong" conclusions.

  Assure them of your love, and that you have indeed changed some of your viewpoints. The question is will they still accept you as their son and love you for who you are? Or was that love contingent on you being a JW's?

  Such a shame they aren't proud of you. Lot's here are I'm sure.

  Path
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  Kent

  I haven't seen a person yet that started this thinking on their own.

  Ask her to read her letter again - and remember this statement all the way!

  I guess there is no way to convince her anyway - so just tell her you can give her the reasons if she promises to answer your questions - if not, her choise!

  Yakki Da

  Kent

  "The only difference between God and Adolf Hitler is that God is more proficient at genocide."

  Daily News On The Watchtower and the Jehovah's Witnesses:
  http://watchtower.observer.org
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  Francois

  Kent is right I think.

  Your mother is engaging in the most gross form of guilt-tripping and emotional manipulation. Any indication, no matter how slight, that her technique is working on you and you will never hear the end of it.

  When I was in your position, I was accused of being cold and uncaring because I refused to be moved by attempts to manipulate via guilt. How odd. You show yourself to be an emotionally mature adult, refusing to be manipulated by guilt - and you've got something wrong with you!

  Religion is an emotional phenomena, and your mother is acting from an emotional base. What could be more natural?

  Francois
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  beroea

  Please remember your parents still love you but are under the press of the way JW handle each other. I remember my sister 20 years ago decided to leave the “truth”. I was very angry with her. We were very close connected to each other. I did blame her leaving us. I didn’t do anything wrong!!!!. Today I do know better. I didn’t showed respect for her and my love for her was not an unconditional love. I really regret that today.

  But the JW way of thinking is very strong and love between people inside – like my self – are restricted by the loyalty to the society. We forget the love to God and people close – and also fare away – to us.

  Try to think that you parents are only victims of the “truth” and they – if they are normal human beings – still loves and cares. But due to circumstances they are unable so show it.

  What a pity

  beroea
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  jschwehm

  Hi-

  I have had similar discussions or communications with my folks since leaving the JWs. Again this is what the JWs have been taught to do to their kids who leave the religion.

  When I first discussed with my parents my decision to leave the JWs, they warned me that if I did this that it would be difficult for them to have a relationship with me. They went through periods where they did not speak with me at all. They did the guilt thing where they blamed me for leaving and used the emotional blackmail, etc. as your mother is doing. I agree with what Bereoa has said, view them as victims of a cult that are unable to show the natural affection between an parent and child because of that. Also, with time, they may lighten up some. My parents seem to be lightening up a bit as time goes on.

  I do not know if I would waste my time responding to her letter unless you see something that can be gained from it. It seems to me that perhaps some letter reaffirming your love for her while respecting her choices as to beliefs might be helpful but do not expect the same in return.

  Also, what really ticks me off and my folks did the same to me is that they try to insult your intelligence. I usually ignored such comments from my folks because discussing such things would not be profitable. In reality, religious beliefs have very little to do with intelligence and more to do with social and emotional needs. As far as the JWs are concerned there are very intelligent individuals who are JWs but they are misinformed on many levels. It is more ignorance and less about intelligence or mental ability.

  In reality, your mother is scared for your eternal life and I am sure she firmly believes that you will be killed by God at Armageddon just as my mother believes the same about me. It must be very painful for her to think that God will kill you any day now. Just think of how difficult it is for her to have a relationship with someone who is condemned. In her mind she probably views you as an inmate on death row. I know that is how my mother views me. I would say pity her and feel sorry for her since she has such a slanted view of the situation and realize that she is still a victim of the mind games that the JWs are playing on her.

  Keep loving her as much as you can.

  Jeff S.
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  silentlambs

  sorry to hear of the treatment by your family, as you have probably noticed i have posted letters from my family and had many nice responses and some excellent suggestions. it has helped me and i think it helps others to see how brained washed these poor people are who are members of our family. how can you help them? i do not know, it is much like trying to help a crack addict who does not want help. they want the fix more than they love you. so to with jw's they want the wt approval over their love for you. the open arms bit was quite suprising to me as my mother recently used the same bit with me. it is kind of funny to say we have open arms if you do everything we say, if not screw you.

  what should you do? it is just my opinion but i will offer it. i think you have to answer, much like with my parents if you stay silent it is much like them puting you in your place and them having the last word. when i have tried to stay quiet they are just that much harder the next time we meet. when in a respectful way i just give it right back to them they tend to back off and know not to push the issue. so i ended my letter with the following response to the open arms senario:

  I wish you, dad and Melissa well and know that my love for you is not “conditioned” on how I believe. Sheila, myself, and the children’s arms are always open to you all. Though we are saddened you choose to make poor decisions in life, it never affects our desire to accept you as you are and look forward to the day when you want us to be part of the family.

  I will always love you,

  Your son

  while i do not neccessarily think this will make a meaningful differance, a least i feel better about letting them know they are not breaking you down to their way of thinking. just my thoughts, hope it is helpful.