How to Escape a Visit from Jehovah's Witnesses

by Corvin 5 Replies latest social humour

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  Corvin

  How to Escape a Visit from Jehovah's Witnesses

  1. Panic. Call the police and tell them that dangerous youths are attempting to break into your home and steal your belongings. Police should arrive within two minutes.

  2. Meanwhile, throw a grenade at the approaching Witnesses and run out the back door. If you have no back door or grenades, proceed to step 3.

  3. If the Witnesses don't know yet if you're home, turn off all electricity and be as quiet as possible. If you have a dog that barks at strangers, shoot it. If children begin to cry, stuff their mouths with ether soaked rags. (If they've found out that you're home and continue to attempt entry, proceed to step 4.)

  4. Turn your television to Court TV. Pull down your pants. Masturbate. Look up at them. Smile.

  5. If they're still at your door and the police have not yet arrived, pull up your pants, call your Realtor and arrange to sell your home in the next five minutes. Or just buy a few Watchtowers. Yeah, that's what we thought.

  Be Aware

  Jehovah's Witnesses are attracted to blood and can become aggressive if you have an open wound.
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  avengers

  Or you can hand them this Watchtower.
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  FirstInLine

  Or better yet on an Awake!

  "Wiping your ass...

  Is it BIBLICAL?"

  Inside paragraph:

  Throughout the centuries man has developed differing ways of removing the excess feces from the anal opening. Christendom is largely silent on the practice. Which has left some Christians to wonder. Is wiping your ass in accordance with God's laws? Indirect evidence suggests that the practice of removing excess feces is not necessarily against God's Laws. HOWEVER. One should be careful. Stimulation to the anal area is known by scientists to cause feelings of sexual arousal. It is also used by some in deviant sexual practices. It would be sad consequence if a Christian were to fall into Satan's snare of sexual debauchery for carelessly over wiping and in an excited state giving in to Masturbation.

  The problem still exists however. Not wiping can cause rashes and bad smell and stains in clothing. The best advice is to gently dab at the area. One must not throw caution to the wind however. Thoughtful and heartfelt prayer should be used before diving into the matter. Jehovah can provide guidance in the matter through his son Christ Jesus.
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  Leolaia

  I like the Ouija Board idea better, that was given a few days ago in another thread (Valis? gumby? who was that witty guy?), that was hilarious. :)
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  Ciara

  Ciara

  
  
  
  
  
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  Ciara

  If you have a dog that barks at strangers, shoot it.

  Corvin, Why would you shoot the dog?

  You should teach the dog in advance to bite strangers carrying leather handbags. (Also very handy for stray Avon ladies.)

  Ciara