My swan song
I joined the forum 6/11/03 as an active JW.
I recall being as scared as hell that day.
Not scared to post because I feared the forum members. No, I spent a small amount of time reading your posts and getting to know you before I joined. After a awhile it became evident that, for the first time in my entire adult life, I finally found a place where I belonged.
Fear of retribution from the WTS was not a major concern because I knew that they no longer had power over me. The Governing Body were paper-tigers who would only send the toothless-dog elders after me. I had already learned enough before even coming here to be convinced in my heart that the WTS was dead wrong and that I would, with certainty, either DA myself or be DF?d to close that chapter on my life.
The fear that I did have when I first posted here was fear of the immense task that was ahead of me, of escaping the WTS and starting all over again. That scared the hell out of me.
I had to restart my entire life at age 32 [I realize that many here have awakened from the WTS with more time than this invested into the cult]. Everything I lived for was a lie. My entire life was structured around a lie. I lied to my family, my friends, my neighbors, my co-workers as I was lied to myself.
My life was the home built on sand. Now that I realized that the Governing Body was not directed by Jehovah, my house was collapsing like a house of cards right before my eyes.
I had so many questions:
Does the soul really die?
Is the Trinity true?
Is there really a fiery hell, and will I go there for preaching cult lies?
Will the earth ever be a paradise?
Which religion is the right one?
?What is truth??
When I joined the board, I was looking for answers to all of these questions.
Where does my life go from here?
Funny thing is, I never got those answers, not a single one.
I got something infinitely better.
I got me back.
Yup, me. The part of me that had been systematically buried over the years in hopes of being a god approved dub. One that would make it through the Big-A, because the real me wasn?t going to make it.
I put on New Personality?, and it was suffocating my real identity. I was taught that my real identity was selfish, greedy, and desired bad things.
There was no time to pursue my own desires. Those things could all be done in the New System©.
In the New System© I could learn how to play the guitar, I could travel, study architecture and do many of the other things that I wanted to do. My personal interests and life were, up to this point, given a raincheck by the WTS that was to be honored a hundred fold in the New System© by god.
So instead of pursuing those things, I put on the New Personality? and became part of a collective to attain a greater good. Unity at all costs! Individual thoughts = selfishness and the works of the devil, dead works.
But deep in my soul, things always ate away at me as I tried to carry out actions and thoughts that rubbed against my grain.
I never liked judging people, devoting my weekends to getting up early for FS or the Sunday meeting, never liked forcing religion down people?s throats, shunning my family who were not JW?s, shunning my friends who were DF?d, not being able to decide what entertainment was suitable for myself, having a drink without being told I had too much, etc?
But I did them. I did them all for the greater good. I did them because god needed us to make a name for himself. He could not do it without us, without his earthly organization, which was his people and organization on Earth.
Well, those things are not me, and now I finally got me back.
I discovered the real ?me? partially through this board. When there was a thought I had, I could post it. If I disagreed, I could do it. If I got a bit hot under the collar, people here understood that I was exiting from a cult and only human.
I was exposed to new ideas. And I met people who were in similar situations as I was in. Now I could have others give me a ?heads-up? as to what to expect with the elders, my wife, and even consider areas that was I acting poorly.
There was growth. Looking back at some of the old posts, it?s funny to see how frantic I could be over matters that, in retrospect, now seem trivial.
For a while, all I posted in were the ?serious? threads. I needed help and guidance. To vent and heal.
Then I started meandering into the ?fluff? threads to just chat about mindless subjects. But having fun and just talking had it?s own therapeutic effects as well.
Before long, all I was posting in were the ?fluff? threads. The board became my social circle of sorts.
Now, I welcome the new ones and give them a warm hello. I see their mind racing in their first posts, and I remember that feeling.
?Chasing allusive butterflies through the fields?
Wanting to know what their foot will hit with their next step in the dark. Now I get to be the ?sage? that is in the brightly lit doorway of the spider webbed, dark room. Calling out to them and telling them that they are doing great and they are almost there. There?s a whole open field lit brilliantly by the sun right outside this open door.
It?s there waiting for you if you only want to walk into that open field that is free of fences, ropes and lines.
But there is one thing missing from this world that will take some getting used to by us new ones.
There are no signs- no one is telling what to do, think or feel.
How does one navigate this new world on their own?
I?m finding that no one needs signs to navigate in this new world because we all have a map in ourselves. It will guide us. It is hard at times to trust this voice in ourselves because it was almost suffocated in the WTS as JW?s, but it was never killed.
It can never be killed. Against all odds, my inner voice did what no one else could do. My AUTHENTIC SELF battled and conquered what no one else could tackle. Not my loved ones who knew that I was in a cult, not family, nor friends. Not even people at the door or evil apostates were able to do what my AUTHENTIC SELF, my inner voice did for me:
This voice freed me from the clutches of the WTS. It stepped in and took control of my life. It bypassed my conscience mind, with all of it?s barricades that were erected by the WTS, and said, ?Enough is enough!?
It?s my ?Army of one?.
Sometimes I ponder how I will ever defeat the WTS.
I am only One, and the JW?s are 6 million strong; but strength isn?t always in numbers.
6 million JW zeros still only add up to zero, and my One beats their zero every day of the week.
So how will I defeat the WTS? I realize that I already have.
Now I just have to learn to trust this voice.
It is the voice of my TRUE SELF. It has always been there, and it will never leave me.
I feel that I can see ways to finally have meaning in my life. A sense of purpose rather than just attaining a goal. Life is to be lived, not solved. It?s the journey, not the destination. I can not change the world, but I can add meaning to it. I am now interdependent with humanity. Now I am humanity. And whatever is not a part of my TRUE SELF in this world I will allow to pas through me.
?Walking in the stream but never getting wet.?
I will always maintain personal integrity to my TRUE SELF, and only by remaining true to this will I become an asset to humanity. A positive force in humanity that will spurt growth and forward movement within the universe.
As the journey progresses, road must pass under the feet. Crutches once essential will eventually just get in the way. A wheelchair once comfortable will only slow down the journey of a healthy body and restrict further growth.
Lately, I?ve been taking martial arts classes [Aikido], working at a new job, and doing new things with new people. I also am joining up with an automobile enthusiast club that interests me. I want to go to college and get my Masters degree in Architecture.
There is a lot of life yet to be lived.
So, with unspeakable appreciation in my heart, I now have to move ahead and leave this part of my life?s road behind. Throw away the crutches, and retire the wheelchair. I?m dying to run again. To socialize. To live. To breathe outside and take in the fresh air. To lay back my head in the green grass. To feel the sand in between my toes as I run across the beach and into the great ocean of humanity.
I?ve hit 1000. I?m a ?Jedi Master?. Now it?s time to go out in the world and use what I?ve learned here.
Thanks for the warm place to rest. It will never be forgotten.
There are some unwritten parts of my life, such as my marriage, that I will check back in with the group if anything significant happens. Otherwise, there is no longer a need for me to stop here and post. For my own improvement, I must now put it behind me.
The wedding was grand, and the reception was a blast. But I can?t keep looking at the videotape and pictures of the marriage of myself to this board and it?s great people everyday. for myself, it?s time to move on with life.
Looking back, it?s funny that I never got the answers to the questions I had when I first came here. But one great quote that was pointed out to me here was this:
?I?d rather have questions I can?t answer, than answers I can?t question.?
And looking back at those questions, it seems almost juvenile to demand answers to them now.
I view those questions as I would view loving parents who live far away from me and are unable to contact me. If I ever get to visit them, I know I?ll be taken care of and that they?ll welcome me with open arms. And for my part, if I lead a good and happy life, I know I?ll make them proud.
I expect no less from the loving god that is preached about in the religions worldwide.
You have all given me the most wonderful gift I could ever ask for, my TRUE SELF.
It?s time to take the colorful bow off of my LIFE, tear off the wrapping paper, and pull this gift out of the box and put it to good use.
Love,
Paul Griger
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