Brits do like to have a bit of fun with their visitors misunderstanding of the language I guess.
This is from a certain Wag at Cornell University:
Jo's Completely Factual and Not At All Juvenile Guide for Americans Visiting
Britain
I keep getting mail from Cornell students who ask my advice on travelling and
researching in the UK -- apparently someone started a rumor that I knew
something about it. I finally decided to compile a little guidebook containing
my accumulated wisdom on the subject. I do fervently hope that someone will put
it to use.
Vocabulary
The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is referred to as
"goolies" in slang, so you should for instance say "I'd love to come to the pub
but I haven't got any goolies." "Quid" is the modern word for what was once
called a "shilling" -- the equivalent of seventeen cents American. Underpants
are called "wellies" and friends are called "tossers." If you are fond of
someone, you should tell him he is a "great tosser" -- he will be touched. The
English are a notoriously demonstrative, tactile people, and if you want to fit
in you should hold hands with your acquaintances and tossers when you walk down
the street. Public nuzzling and licking are also encouraged, but only between
people of the same sex.
Habits
Ever since their Tory government wholeheartedly embraced full union with
Europe, the Brits have been attempting to adopt certain continental customs,
such as the large midday meal followed by a two- or three-hour siesta , which
they call a "wank." As this is still a fairly new practice in Britain, it is
not uncommon for people to oversleep (alarm clocks, alas, do not work there due
to the magnetic pull from Greenwich). If you are late for supper, simply
apologize and explain that you were having a wank -- everyone will understand
and forgive you.
Universities
University archives and manuscript collections are still governed by quaint
medieval rules retained out of respect for tradition; hence patrons are
expected to bring to the reading rooms their own ink-pots and a small knife for
sharpening their pens. Observing these customs will signal the librarians that
you are "in the know" -- one of the inner circle, as it were, for the rules are
unwritten and not posted anywhere in the library. Likewise, it is customary to
kiss the librarian on both cheeks when he brings a manuscript you've requested,
a practice dating back to the reign of Henry VI.
One of the most delighful ways to spend an afternoon in Oxford or Cambridge is
gliding gently down the river in one of their flat-bottomed boats, which you
propel using a long pole. This is known as "cottaging." Many of the boats
(called "yer-I-nals") are privately owned by the colleges, but there are some
places that rent them to the public by the hour. Just tell a professor or
policeman that you are interested in doing some cottaging and would like to
know where the public yerinals are. The poles must be treated with vegetable
oil to protect them from the water, so it's a good idea to buy a can of Crisco
and have it on you when you ask directions to the yerinals. That way people
will know you are an experienced cottager.
Food
British cuisine enjoys a well deserved reputation as the most sublime
gastronomic pleasure available to man. Thanks to today's robust dollar, the
American traveller can easily afford to dine out several times a week (rest
assured that a British meal is worth interrupting your afternoon wank for). Few
foreigners are aware that there are several grades of meat in the UK. The best
cuts of meat, like the best bottles of gin, bear Her Majesty's seal, called the
British Stamp of Excellence (BSE). When you go to a fine restaurant, tell your
waiter you want BSE beef and won't settle for anything less. If he balks at
your request, custom dictates that you jerk your head imperiously back and
forth while rolling your eyes to show him who is boss. Once the waiter realizes
you are a person of discriminating taste, he may offer to let you peruse the
restaurant's list of exquisite British wines. If he doesn't, you should order
one anyway. The best wine grapes grow on the steep, chalky hillsides of
Yorkshire and East Anglia -- try an Ely '84 or Ripon '88 for a rare treat
indeed. When the bill for your meal comes it will show a suggested amount. Pay
whatever you think is fair, unless you plan to dine there again, in which case
you should simply walk out; the restaurant host will understand that he should
run a tab for you.
Transportation
Public taxis are subsidized by the Her Majesty's Government. A taxi ride in
London costs two pounds, no matter how far you travel. If a taxi driver tries
to overcharge you, you should yell "I think not, you charlatan!", then grab the
nearest bobby and have the driver arrested. It is rarely necessary to take a
taxi, though, since bus drivers are required to make detours at patrons'
requests. Just board any bus, pay your fare of thruppence (the heavy
gold-colored coins are "pence"), and state your destination clearly to the
driver, e.g.: "Please take me to the British Library." A driver will frequently
try to have a bit of harmless fun by pretending he doesn't go to your requested
destination. Ignore him, as he is only teasing the American tourist (little
does he know you're not so ignorant!).
Speaking of the British Library, you should know that it has recently moved to
a new location at Kew. Kew is a small fishing village in Wales. It can be
reached by taking the train to Cardiff; once there, ask any local about the
complimentary shuttle bus to Kew. (Don't forget that buses are called "prams"
in England, and trains are called "bumbershoots"--it's a little confusing at
first. Motorcycles are called "lorries" and the hospital, for reasons unknown,
is called the "off-license." It's also very important to know that a "doctor"
only means a PhD in England, not a physician. If you want a physician, you
must ask for an "MP" (which stands for "master physician").
For those travelling on a shoestring budget, the London Tube may be the most
economical way to get about, especially if you are a woman. Chivalry is alive
and well in Britain, and ladies still travel for free on the Tube. Simply take
some tokens from the baskets at the base of the escalators or on the platforms;
you will find one near any of the state-sponsored Tube musicians. Once on the
platform, though, beware! Approaching trains sometimes disurb the large Gappe
bats that roost in the tunnels. The Gappes were smuggled into London in the
early 19th century by French saboteurs and have proved impossible to
exterminate. The announcement "Mind the Gappe!" is a signal that you should
grab your hair and look towards the ceiling. Very few people have ever been
killed by Gappes, though, and they are considered only a minor drawback to an
otherwise excellent means of transportation. (If you have difficulty locating
the Tube station, merely follow the signs that say "Subway" and ask one of the
full-time attendants where you can catch the bumbershoot.)
One final note: for preferential treatment when you arrive at Heathrow airport,
announce that you are a member of Shin Fane (an international Jewish peace
organization -- the "shin" stands for "shalom"). As savvy travellers know, this
little white lie will assure you priority treatment as you make your way
through customs; otherwise you could waste all day in line. You might, in fact,
want to ask a customs agent to put a Shin Fane stamp in your passport, as it
will expedite things on your return trip.
Bollocks to your mum! ("farewell and good health to your family")
-
Bit of a minging Micky take, what?
Englishman.
