What sad and dreadful thoughts fill my head tonight....

arrowstar

I guess this all started when I read the subject of another thread "What do you think happens when you die?" The first thought that came into my mind was "nothing". And I don't mean that in the "your soul stops here and your flesh decays" sense. I mean that in the if I die, nothing will happen sense.

The only family that I have is my son. He's 14. Too young for the task. When you get to be my age, sooner or later, you have to start thinking about "the end". Morbid, ain't it? You know, when you fill out that paperwork and you get to the part "In case of an emergency, please contact...?" I don't have an emergency contact. I thought I had one but I don't think it's valid anymore so I'm back to square one. Pretty f*'kn' sad.

I don't mean to bring anyone down or worry anyone. That's not my intent at all. I just thought that maybe...just maybe...if I was able to put this out here that somehow it would purge this overwhelming sadness that I'm experiencing tonight.

More than likely, I'll be right as rain tomorrow. Thank you for letting me just babble. Y'all are a strength to me.

Lisa of the "when life gives you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila and some salt" group

Puternut

Arrowstar,

Of course you need to come here and talk about what you feel. It's helpful to get the thoughts from your head and through your fingers on paper. It's a way of dealing with things. I know what you are talking about. As you grow older these thoughts do fill your mind at times. And it's far from morbid. It's reality. I am in the same boat. And it's something that brings a sadness as well. Just know that we feel the same. You are in my thoughts, as I understand completely what you are feeling.

I am thinking about you, and hope that your day will be better tomorrow.

Puternut

FlyingHighNow

Lisa,

I hope you have insurance to take care of expenses and your son. Then you need a will and instructions about arrangements for your funeral. You could contact the memorial society in your area about what someone in your shoes does as far as final plans. You also need to have in mind a guardian for your son. I am moved by your sadness. My mother once told me the world can sometimes seem like a big black vacuum waiting to suck you in. But remember, this feeling shall pass. This too shall pass. Arm yourself with knowledge for what is available for someone with no adult family to turn to.

Heather

talesin

{{{Arrowstar}}}

Here, hun. A real Margarita, with salted rim, as requested.

Lighting an incense, (deep breath) will be sending good energy to you.

tal

Octavia

I'll be your emergency contact! Where in Texas are you?

Celtic

Dear Lisa

My heart went out to you upon reading what you put down on 'paper'. And I was able to read between the lines and saw your sadness behind your words. It's not babble at all. You have every right, now and again, to comprehend such a complex subject. What I've learn't is this.

That often, our minds can play these funny games on us and aye, at the time, it doesn't always feel that good. Nothing morbid about it at all though. Sometimes you see the mind is ahead of the game, or put another way, the subconscious mind seems to me, to be ahead of our conscious mind that only wants to perceive often, a desired positive outcome whereas the other part, sometimes unbeknown even to ourselves, is delving deeper to prepare the conscious mind for what is to come.

Death isn't exactly the most jolly part of our lives, and often, we do anything to put our mind at rest so to speak, and go for avoidance in what we comprehend naturally enough as something that is bad and un-natural. But sure as hell, death follows birth. It's all part of the natural cycle anyway. All part of the breath of life this waning, making way for fresh blood, to carry on forwards, this thing called life, and the survival of the species.

I'm not doing a very good job of this am I?

Hmmmmmm, tis deep subject aye.

I don't have anyone either, not like that. I get forms that ask me for my next of kin. I havn't got any either, not like that, that I think would respect my last wishes. My son, who I miss terribly lives up country with his mother, he's 10. I am not allowed any meaningful input in his life whatsoever, and aye, it hurts, hurts like mad. But what the hell, will all be ok tomorrow. Yeah right. Hmmmmmm.

If ever you need to write, or just off load, or just vent, or know that someone will lend a listening ear, give you a shoulder to cry upon, or just need to share anything at all, drop me a line into my inbox, and I really will do my best to help you, in whatever way I can. I'm hopeless at helping others it seems, but I promise that I will do my best to offer you some support.

Now, even I'm avoiding the subject, cos, lately I've been mirroring the same feelings,and it hurts, I don't know who to talk about it with either, how to express myself fully and with real meaning to be able to proffer all the right words. This subject is deep, and causes me some sadness, meloncholy and grief also. You're never alone thinking like this, ok?

Bestest mate hugs.

Mark

Celtic

Octavia, can you be my emergency contact too? Wow!!

freein89

Oh honey,

Don't you worry, this time in your life will pass. Mine did. When I left the borg, I had 4 children between 5 and 11 and not one friend or relative in the world. I know, as do most of us here how lonely and scared you are. Keep sharing here and feel love come to you. I would help if you ever want or need me, I am a pm away. I am sending out love and peace to you dear.

Deb

Sassy

ahhh Lisa. I know how you feel. If I died, there would be only a small handful, who would care deeply. I can even imagine if I died now, past friends who now left my life because of my choice of leaving the WTS, would say, well she brought this on herself.. she lost Jehovah's protection or something of the like. Surely I wouldn't get much of a funeral..

What was really sad for me a few years ago, when I tried to commit suicide. I was still in the Borg at that time. When I didn't OD, but only slept for three days, I was overwhelmed with the lack of care that came after. You always see shows or movies where everyone is crying at the funeral of a loved one and then they find out they aren't dead at all.. but the 'thought to be dead one' got to hear all these nice things said about them and how much they were grieving ... they saw all the love that wasnt' heard before they thought that one was dead.. well I guess inside I needed to feel loved when my attempt didn't take my life. I needed someone to say, we love you, don't do that again. Of course my mom and sister, etc felt that way, but 'friends' JW 'friends.. they were actually mad at me and weren't talking to me.. I needed love and didn't get it at all.. so the ironic thing is that even when I was "IN", those conditional friends weren't there for me any way.. so now that I am out, at least the friends I have and am making, I know is unconditional...

So we just need to keep working on putting new loved ones, ones who will really care, in our lives..

We care about you.. and if you were suddenly gone, we would miss you so much.. and look, some of us haven't been able to yet (note I said yet... since that won't be true for me and you soon) and we care.. imagine once we get to know you in person!!

What sad and dreadful thoughts fill my head tonight....

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