Coming to Terms

by jumper 11 Replies latest jw friends

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  jumper

  Coming to terms

  My family are deeply indoctrinated in the borg, my parents have been jws since 1963 my sister and brother-in-law and their six children are in, and my brother and sister-in-law are the family?s mascot bethel elder/reg. pioneer

  For a long time I was able to hold up a front, a lie, I told myself that I was in acceptance, I felt sure that I could accept my family for who they were, and not judge them. In the beginning it was working for me, I felt free to go over to their houses and visit , I started getting involved with them, my parents that is. It seemed like I was making progress with them we never talked about anything jw. After all it had been a long time since I had taken my stand against the truth. This uneasy but bearable ?relationship? went on for the better part of two years and I really thought there was going to be some form of healing, but alas all things good must change and they did. Three years ago my mother inherited some real-estate, about ten acres in a very nice area just outside of the town we live in. I was completely surprised when she made what she probably now feels was a bad choice, she offered me half the property at a very good price. I being the pillar of acceptance that they thought I was, made what I now consider to be a bad choice, I accepted her offer.

  In the mean time (it took almost a year to split the property) my brother and his wife moved back to CA from bethel after 12 years. It was at first nice to see them, I had not been in contact with them in many years. When they first got here my brother needed work so I offered him a job working with me, at the time I was thinking that I would be able make some head-way with him just as I had with my parents, and although I tried treating him with the same respect I had my parents, things didn?t work out the same way. We were working about two hours out of town, and he took the ride as an opportunity to question me about my feelings about the truth, he wanted to know ?where I stood? and again being the pillar of acceptance that I was I stepped right in a pile of shit thinking it wouldn?t stink. I handled the questioning tactfully, I shared with him that I was only interested developing our relationship as family, and that I didn?t want to go into any of the jw stuff. He told me that he and his wife had given their life?s to Jehovah and that I being raised as a witness should know what that means (I?ll take the job but don?t expect me to be your brother). Thankfully he only stayed until he got an offer from a jw firm.

  All of that brings me to this, at present , I?m building a new home on the property I bought from my mom, my parents have recently moved in to their new home and are my future neighbors, my brother and his wife have moved in with my parents and are now building a granny flat on my parents property all of which is fine (Yes I?m putting up a fence). What I?m having a hard time with is the feelings I?m having. I?m feeling used, on a number of occasions my brother has asked for favors like use of rental equipment etc? and he is always wanting to trade things and his trades are never up front . For example he asked me if I wanted some help grading my road I said sure, it would have been a big help since I could not be there when the trucks were hauling rock. When I got there that afternoon he let me know that he wants a truckload of rock in return for his help and that I?m short rock because he sent my last truck over to dump its load at his house. At any rate through all of this I?m coming to terms with some big things, I can accept someone having their own beliefs but I don?t have accept their bullshit. And I?m also learning that to practice acceptance I don?t have to offer myself as a door mat. Since my brother?s return and since he has moved in with my parents it seems like I?m not as comfortable around them my sister-in-law doesn?t speak to myself or my girlfriend, last week I sat down at their kitchen table and she picked up her plate, and moved. I had to bite my lip to keep from telling her how rude she was being. Oh well thanks for the venting place.

  -jumper
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  dustyb

  you need to set him into reality and tell him to f**k off if he's goign to try to walk all over you. thats now how the shit flys. i would be PISSED if my sisters did that to me. just stand up and tell him to be a big (little) brother and stop living a dream. find a way to bring him into the place that all of us have to live...reality.
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  seeitallclearlynow

  Hi jumper,

  I'm very sorry to hear yet another tale of the cultish behavior of JW zealots, but that's all it is. Most of us behaved this way to a certain extent when we were still blinded by the cult. For instance, I was one of Jehovah's Witnesses for about 30 years, my choice, I was not raised in it; and I'm very fond of my sister, and she is of me; but as a zealous Reg. Pioneer sister, she shunned me COMPLETELY for 5 long years, not even discussing necessary family business when my minor children were visiting with her for a couple of weeks, clear across the country!!!

  I consider her a very good, caring person, but the cult tactics and control of the JW's are very powerful.

  I hope your family come to their senses. They are being taught a lot of destructive nonsense.

  Best wishes to you though!
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  trumangirl

  Jumper, you're right to feel used. If I were you I'd make sure that next time you're asked something from your brother, be as 'in acceptance' and kind and generous as you have been, but also assertive too, if he's on the take again. And when you're in assertive mode, quote a scripture to him. He will hate it but he might also feel his conscience pricked. Instead of just being a prick.

  Remember too, Jesus was treated like scum by the pharisees.

  Trumangirl
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  Sassy

  ahhh Jumper, that sure doesn't sound like a comfortable happy situation. It's really sad. I don't know what to tell you because the shunning is a process that hurts so many. It isn't fair, it is unloving, unkind and unchristian, and it really does show us why they are not the 'true religion'.. but unfortunately those who are blinded, do not see it so and so families are divided and relationships hurt.
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  orangefatcat

  Hello Jumper and welcome to the JWD. I read with interest in your story. I was saddened to read that your family seems to use you and then throw you away by their games. I would be livid if my brother took it upon himself to steal one of your truck loads of rocks. How dare he assume that he should take it without first discussing it with you. Some nerve I say. I know that they are your family and you love them. But they seem to be playing with your emotions. It is too bad that you have to be neighbours of your brother and sister in law and mom. Its good you are going to put up a fence. I can tell you from experience that living next door to family never works. I lived beside my parents for seven yrs and they judged everything I did no matter if it was their business or not. They spied on me all the time. If I came home late at night I would see my father open the curtains to see if it was me. They dissapproved of everything I did. I was in the org. then. I was a witness unhappily for 38 yrs. since 1963, like your family.

  I have three other sisters. They have nothing to do with me. How ever just recently my mom was ill and in the hospital. My aunt told me this.. She is the only family member aside from me who is not a JW. She deplores JWs. Anyway I took it upon myself to call my youngest sister and she talked to me and told me mom was quite ill and I asked her if she thought I should visit mom. She told me that it was a good idea to visit mom. I told her I didn't want mom to fight with me. Anyway to make my story short. I saw my mother after 41/2 yrs of not talking to her. It was their choice of course ,as I am disfellowshiped. At first she turned away from me. And I started to turn back and just looked up at her again as she also turned around and she started to walk towards me. She said I shouldn't be there and I had better not make a scene. Dah!! like I was going to. I just told her that I heard from Aunt Mary you were quite ill and I thought I wouldl come to see you and let you know that I love you. Well we exchanged a few thoughts and my hubby came up and she started to chat with him. I gave her a couple of pictures of our wedding and she hugged me and said she loved me and I resiprocated. I have no idea what transpired after wards but my aunt told me that she was proud of me because I took the step to make amends. She knows that they will never accept me because I am disfellowshipped but at least I am better than they are. She is not on good terms with my mother as my mother is so self absorbed. and a zealot also. It is hard I know to deal with people we love. But sometimes we are better off not seeing them or dealing with them as you will always end up being hurt by them because you choose to leave the organization and so you are the enemy. Don't be suprised if some day they never talk to you. However I am not sure with your family as they seem to just use you. Case in point, as soon as a postion became available in an other firm your brother chose to leave your firm. They are not nice as far as I am concerned however that is only my opinion. But please don't be let yourself be hurt by them. Remeber they are brainwashed.

  I wish you well Jumper and once again welcome to the board.

  Orangefatcat.
  
  
  
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  Winston Smith :>D

  jumper,

  Yes, you are being used. It will continue and get worse, unless some guidelines are laid.

  I was a JW for over half my life. One thing that you can use that JW's do encourage is to get things in writing whenever a business transaction is being done to avoid misunderstandings.

  If your brother wants to be paid for his favors, then first off, that's not a favor.

  Get anything like, getting loads of stone or or rough grading, down in writing if it will be done as a 'horse trade' and not a flat out favor.

  And a good horse trade is when it fully benefits both parties.

  It isn't a fair trade when it benefits just the guy who spent a good part of his life being taken care of in NY and now lives with his Mommy & Daddy with his wife.

  The other thing to keep in mind is, if you really want to possibly 'save' your family from this cult, then you will have to be the bigger man than the rest of them.

  Yes, your bro and his wife will be very judging of you. But it's not them judging you, it is the guidelines of the publishing cult that they HAVE to follow else they will die at the 'Big-A'.

  And if they don't treat you with this 'hard-love', then you will never learn your lesson about how evil you are. You will never see how the two of you live your lives differently and that his way is superior. It's their way of setting a 'better example' and are in hopes that they will win you over without a word.

  And that is a JW's pathetic mindset.

  The good thing about this is, that the bible show s that you can win someone over without a word by the love you demonstrate to them.

  Your brother isn't doing that. But if you can be the bigger man and do this to him, YOU CAN WIN HIM over.

  One thing that worked I my favor when I DA'd myself is that my non-JW family ALWAYS showed me love no matter how big of an arrogant JW ass I acted like. I judged them, made them uncomfortable, even kicked my youngest brother out of my weddding party.

  But based on the love they ALWAYS showed to me, I never doubted if my family would be there for me to welcome me back when I finally saw that I was in a cult.

  Now they have been there for me for the toughest times I've ever had in my life. I apologized for treating my family like shat, they love me and therefore forgave me, and now things are really great with us.

  Good Luck!,

  Paul [Winston.]

  P.S. You mentioned your girlfriend gets shunned as well? Does she live with you? If she does, then they HATE the fact that the two of you are having sexual relations without being married, and therefore, are especially worthy of shunning from the family!
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  garybuss

  Ever heard of a REALTOR? :-)
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  Satanus

  Hi jumper

  It's a tough situation when you just want to get along, but others want to abuse. In this case, no one will setup boundaries but you. Imo, you have the right to stand up, set your boundaries, then enforce them. When they try to tresspass, just say 'whoa nelly, you're violating my turf'. As far as the abusers are concerned, you will be the asshole. But, let's face it, as far as they are concerned, you are the asshole right now for rejecting the abuser's god/refusing to serve his god.

  By setting limits, you have nothing to lose, but you have yourself respect to gain, imo. Oops, i forgot about your mother. They may pressure her to distance herself from you. Aaah, it's a tough situation.

  SS
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  Tinkerbell4125

  Hey Jumper!

  I too read your post with great interest. Boy how I can relate to your situation!!!! The thing is, you love your family, and like myself, you want a big happy family, but unfortunately that will never be the case. I've been sick for the past few months and I've had a hugh reality check when it comes to different ones in my family. In the past, I've always been ready to drop everything and run to them if they needed me. As long as I'm doing for them *j.w. or not*, it's all good, the minute you stop, it's a different story. I hate the WTS and what they stand for.

  When do you say, enough is enough, I'm a good person, I've got friends that love me unconditionally! My j.w. family doesn't deserve me and your's doesn't deserve you either. Be good to yourself and expect nothing less from them or anyone else. You teach people how to treat you! Like mysef, you'll get your fill of being hurt and you'll drift away from them.

  P.S. One last thing, I moved about 2 hours away from my family. Best thing I ever done in my life. I think a realitor is a great idea!

  Hang in there! We love ya man! Keep us posted!

  Tink