I had a really bad feeling if you remember

by SheilaM 17 Replies latest jw friends

  • SheilaM
    SheilaM

    When my Mother passed in September I did a post explaining that her home care provider ended up being a closet dub. She returned the Christmas presents my sister gave her, draped the china closet that had crosses and angels in it and took down any angel or cross my Mom had up.

    My Mother had indicated she felt this woman was trying to make moves on my Step-Dad and she also told my Aunt this woman tried taking her to the Kingdom Hall. My Mom had alzheimers so I wondered about the real threat of this woman.

    Well, today I received a call from my sister she was bawling my step-dad has sold my Moms house and moved back to W.Virginia and guess who is with him????? Yes Caroline the "caregiver" the one that burnt my Moms eyes giving her a home perm...errrrrrrrrr

    I wonder what her story is about the dubs she seems out but still tied to them?????? She is ripping my Step-Dads mail out of his hands to read it, she is wanting to know everything about his personal finances he has known her less than six months. His daughter is very concerend. My step-dad is an ex-alcoholic my Mom worked with him and he had not drank anything in 17 years...guess who has him drinking again.

    Should I be upset? Is there anything I can do or say???? What do you think of this situation?

  • Scully
    Scully

    You could call the police department in W. Virginia and tell them you are concerned about your elderly step-dad being conned by an opportunistic "care" giver. If you have her full name, they can run a background check on her and see if she has a history of this kind of behaviour.

    Usually people who abuse the elderly in this fashion have a pattern that is fairly easy to trace.

    Do it now before anything bad happens to your step-dad, and she ends up "inheriting" everything he owns.

    Love, Scully

  • bikerchic
    bikerchic

    (((((Sheila)))))

    That's horrible news!

    Should I be upset?

    Sounds like you already are?

    Is there anything I can do or say????

    You can do a lot and say a lot but I doubt any of it will help. It would probably fall on deaf ears, at the most you could maybe call him and ask him if he needs your help. Then listen to what he needs and help however you can. Otherwise all the worry, upset and angst is just going to make you sick. It's his life, you have to let him live it however he sees fit.

    Like I said it is horrible news, but unfortunately it would seem the deed is done and he's made his bed so to speak....... it's just terrible how some people can just throw their life away and go back to drinking and all.

    Hang in there, hope things aren't quiet as bad as it seems.

    Kate

  • Sentinel
    Sentinel

    Oh No. You must be so upset over this. From the outside you can see things that your step-father probably cannot see. A life partner with something like ausheimers is a very sad thing to endure. He no doubts wants to begin living again, and this woman set herself up just right to get his attention.

    He is a grown man. The only think you can do is take him aside and voice your concerns, while allowing him to be responsible for his own decisions. If he has begun drinking again, it was his choice unless she poured it down his throat. This is terrible. Does he still have a sponsor? If so, contact AA and see if someone will contact him.

    He has obviously gotten himself depressed and despondent and somehow dependent upon her and thinks he must have her in his life. For him to sell the home so quickly and make this move sounds disturbing. Your mom, his wife just passed in Sept.--he should still be grieving and probably is. This woman is taking advantage of him. Either that, or in sadness and lonliness, your dad and this woman began a relationship way before your mom passed--and that would explain why things seem to be happening very quickly and inappropriately to "you", but to him, it seems perfectly fine.

    If his own daughter cannot get through to him, and you cannot reason with him, then you must let him make his own choices. Other than getting a background check on the woman, or hiring a private detective, you are powerless. He may not even listen if presented with actual facts.

    Letting go of this is going to be tough, but what other choice do you have?

    /<

  • minimus
    minimus

    That is AWFUL!!! I guess you smelled something rotten in Denmark or in West Virginia, the state for lovers.

  • SheilaM
    SheilaM

    Scully,Bikerchic,Sentinel,Min:

    Thank you all for your comments and adviceI will try find out some more about her and try to talk to my Step-Dad

    Thank y ou again

    Sheila

  • xjw_b12
    xjw_b12

    Sheila. I guess your mom was more aware of what was going on then anyone gave her credit for.

    The caregiver is a scam artist. I agree with Scully. Have a background check done, even if you have to pay for it. Then you know what you are dealing with.

    Or you could just not see her crossing the street.

  • Scully
    Scully

    There's going to be a broadcast on CTV's "W5" show this week exposing what is known as "elder abuse". I'm planning on watching it and if it has any suggestions on what a person can do if they suspect that this is occurring with elderly family members and caregivers, I will post them here.

    The commercials showed some pretty graphic "hidden camera" footage. Maybe you and Thunder need to pay a visit and set up some itty bitty webcams in your Step-Dad's house. Get his daughter on board with this too. The more people who can document things (pics of bruises, etc) the better chance of catching this person. You could take your Step-Dad out for dinner or somewhere quiet and ask him privately if he likes the arrangement the way it is. If the caregiver tries to get involved, or doesn't want to let your Step-Dad out of her sight, it's a HUGE indicator that she needs to be around him so that he doesn't spill the beans on her.

    Also, find out if he changed his financial arrangements to give her Power of Attorney over his affairs. If he has a Will, find out if she is in any way a beneficiary to it. If that has happened, you need to talk to a lawyer to find out if it is possible to overturn that.

    You may also want to take your Step-Dad to a doctor if you see ANY bruises on him. Certain areas of bruising (the inside surface of the forearms, for example) indicate that a person was trying to defend themselves from being hit in the head or face. If there are bruises around the wrists, it indicates that he has been placed in restraints, which caregivers are NOT allowed to do except under very very specific conditions, and only under the supervision of a doctor. If he has lost a lot of weight, it could be a sign that she is not feeding him, or that the conditions he is living in do not allow him to eat. For instance, a person whose wrists are tied may want to eat a meal placed in front of him, but cannot do so if they are immobilized by restraints.

    Check out this website for more information on elder abuse: http://www.helpguide.org/mental/elder_abuse.htm

    I don't want to scare you and Thunder, but if it is happening to your Step-Dad I would be remiss if I didn't mention this possibility.

    Love, Scully

  • Scully
    Scully

    http://www.elderabusecenter.org/default.cfm?p=basics.cfm

    The Basics

    Major Types of Elder Abuse


    Physical Abuse

    Physical abuse is defined as the use of physical force that may result in bodily injury, physical pain, or impairment. Physical abuse may include but is not limited to such acts of violence as striking (with or without an object), hitting, beating, pushing, shoving, shaking, slapping, kicking, pinching, and burning. In addition, inappropriate use of drugs and physical restraints, force-feeding, and physical punishment of any kind also are examples of physical abuse.

    Signs and symptoms of physical abuse include but are not limited to:

    • bruises, black eyes, welts, lacerations, and rope marks;
    • bone fractures, broken bones, and skull fractures;
    • open wounds, cuts, punctures, untreated injuries in various stages of healing;
    • sprains, dislocations, and internal injuries/bleeding;
    • broken eyeglasses/frames, physical signs of being subjected to punishment, and signs of being restrained;
    • laboratory findings of medication overdose or under utilization of prescribed drugs;
    • an elder's report of being hit, slapped, kicked, or mistreated;
    • an elder's sudden change in behavior; and
    • the caregiver's refusal to allow visitors to see an elder alone.

    Sexual Abuse

    Sexual abuse is defined as non-consensual sexual contact of any kind with an elderly person. Sexual contact with any person incapable of giving consent is also considered sexual abuse. It includes, but is not limited to, unwanted touching, all types of sexual assault or battery, such as rape, sodomy, coerced nudity, and sexually explicit photographing.

    Signs and symptoms of sexual abuse include but are not limited to:

    • bruises around the breasts or genital area;
    • unexplained venereal disease or genital infections;
    • unexplained vaginal or anal bleeding;
    • torn, stained, or bloody underclothing; and
    • an elder's report of being sexually assaulted or raped.

    Emotional or Psychological Abuse

    Emotional or psychological abuse is defined as the infliction of anguish, pain, or distress through verbal or nonverbal acts. Emotional/psychological abuse includes but is not limited to verbal assaults, insults, threats, intimidation, humiliation, and harassment. In addition, treating an older person like an infant; isolating an elderly person from his/her family, friends, or regular activities; giving an older person the "silent treatment;" and enforced social isolation are examples of emotional/psychological abuse.

    Signs and symptoms of emotional/psychological abuse include but are not limited to:

    • being emotionally upset or agitated;
    • being extremely withdrawn and non communicative or non responsive;
    • unusual behavior usually attributed to dementia (e.g., sucking, biting, rocking); and
    • an elder's report of being verbally or emotionally mistreated.

    Neglect

    Neglect is defined as the refusal or failure to fulfill any part of a person's obligations or duties to an elder. Neglect may also include failure of a person who has fiduciary responsibilities to provide care for an elder (e.g., pay for necessary home care services) or the failure on the part of an in-home service provider to provide necessary care.



    Signs and symptoms of neglect include but are not limited to:

    • dehydration, malnutrition, untreated bed sores, and poor personal hygiene;
    • unattended or untreated health problems;
    • hazardous or unsafe living condition/arrangements (e.g., improper wiring, no heat, or no running water);
    • unsanitary and unclean living conditions (e.g. dirt, fleas, lice on person, soiled bedding, fecal/urine smell, inadequate clothing); and
    • an elder's report of being mistreated.

    Abandonment

    Abandonment is defined as the desertion of an elderly person by an individual who has assumed responsibility for providing care for an elder, or by a person with physical custody of an elder.

    Signs and symptoms of abandonment include but are not limited to:

    • the desertion of an elder at a hospital, a nursing facility, or other similar institution;
    • the desertion of an elder at a shopping center or other public location; and
    • an elder's own report of being abandoned.

    Financial or Material Exploitation

    Financial or material exploitation is defined as the illegal or improper use of an elder's funds, property, or assets. Examples include, but are not limited to, cashing an elderly person's checks without authorization or permission; forging an older person's signature; misusing or stealing an older person's money or possessions; coercing or deceiving an older person into signing any document (e.g., contracts or will); and the improper use of conservatorship, guardianship, or power of attorney.

    Signs and symptoms of financial or material exploitation include but are not limited to:

    • sudden changes in bank account or banking practice, including an unexplained withdrawal of large sums of money by a person accompanying the elder;
    • the inclusion of additional names on an elder's bank signature card;
    • unauthorized withdrawal of the elder's funds using the elder's ATM card;
    • abrupt changes in a will or other financial documents;
    • unexplained disappearance of funds or valuable possessions;
    • substandard care being provided or bills unpaid despite the availability of adequate financial resources;
    • discovery of an elder's signature being forged for financial transactions or for the titles of his/her possessions;
    • sudden appearance of previously uninvolved relatives claiming their rights to an elder's affairs and possessions;
    • unexplained sudden transfer of assets to a family member or someone outside the family;
    • the provision of services that are not necessary; and
    • an elder's report of financial exploitation.

    Self-neglect

    Self-neglect is characterized as the behavior of an elderly person that threatens his/her own health or safety. Self-neglect generally manifests itself in an older person as a refusal or failure to provide himself/herself with adequate food, water, clothing, shelter, personal hygiene, medication (when indicated), and safety precautions.

    The definition of self-neglect excludes a situation in which a mentally competent older person, who understands the consequences of his/her decisions, makes a conscious and voluntary decision to engage in acts that threaten his/her health or safety as a matter of personal choice.

    Signs and symptoms of self-neglect include but are not limited to:

    • dehydration, malnutrition, untreated or improperly attended medical conditions, and poor personal hygiene;
    • hazardous or unsafe living conditions/arrangements (e.g., improper wiring, no indoor plumbing, no heat, no running water);
    • unsanitary or unclean living quarters (e.g., animal/insect infestation, no functioning toilet, fecal/urine smell);
    • inappropriate and/or inadequate clothing, lack of the necessary medical aids (e.g., eyeglasses, hearing aids, dentures); and
    • grossly inadequate housing or homelessness.
  • Sassy
    Sassy

    oh wow. I'd be upset too.. I'm sorry Sheila

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