When I read the title of the thread ?Was your growth stunted because you were a Jehovah?s Witness?, I posted a version of the following while extremely emotional. This is rather long, so you can skip to the bottom to read the comments I added, in reflection, that gets to the point of why I posted this.
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Take a nylon cord and make a noose at one end and put in loosely around a toddlers neck. Not taut, very loosely, as if it feels like a necklace. The loose end falls down the toddlers? chest and drags along the ground as he walks around. Even in his nakedness, he wears this "necklace". It gives him security to know that his parents can reach out and grab hold of the loose end should he start to stumble. What blessed, loving parents to give me such security.
A couple years go by. I haven't started growing too fast yet, so the noose is still loose but not as loose as it was. In fact, it won't go back over my head. But it's still loose enough that it acts as a non-threatening security device. As I enter my development ages in school, my parents soon learn that I am running around on the playground chasing girls, playing at recess, and generally socializing. Upon learning this, they decide that I am about to stumble since I am not prepared to understand what belies my fate should I continue such dangerous activities. So, they call me into their space one evening, and tell me ?What we are going to do is going to hurt us more than it hurts you?. With such reassuring love I obediently comply with their request to remove all my clothes and turn my back to them. They proceed to tie the loose end of the noose to one of my ankles. I am allowed to get dressed and continue my life as if nothing changed.
With the restraint in place, I continue to attempt the activities that seemed so normal, only to learn that I fell every time I chased a girl. So, I slowed down so as not to trip myself. That worked, but now not only could I not catch any girls, I was terrible at running the bases, couldn't long jump, and couldn't get out of the bullies way fast enough to save myself from many black eyes and bruises to my self-esteem. My parents were right. Look how bad everything got. My, oh my, I had no idea. When I explained to my parents what was happening, they reassured me that they had successfully tempered the pain that I would be feeling if they had not been so loving and restrained my ambitions. I go to school everyday telling everyone what loving parents I have for not allowing me to participate in such destructive past-times.
As time goes on, I adjust quite well to my restraint. I realize the love and unselfishness that my parents where able to have in their hearts. But, something is slightly amiss. I can't quite figure it out. As I continue to grow, the noose feels as though it is getting smaller. I question my parents and they assure me that that is not the case. ?In fact?, they say, ?you are simply becoming aware that the noose is not a security blanket, but a reminder of your previous faults. Once you repent your childish behaviors in your childhood, and assure us and our god that you will not regress to such pathetic ways, we assure you that the noose will no longer affect you the way it appears?.
I tell them I understand. They have been so loving and kind, why wouldn't I understand. But something was still bothering me. So I go back to them and explain that I understand that the noose isn't really affecting me like I thought it was. But, the restraint at my ankles is affecting me. You see, I am growing and the cord is getting taut now. I can't even straighten my legs entirely. ?Ah?, my parents tell me, ?that is so you will strengthen. You see, the cord is nylon, so it will stretch if you are strong enough, and then you can straighten your legs?. How loved again. I am too weak. They have helped me understand my shortcomings. I am so thankful to have such loving parents.
I work daily on strengthening so that I may stretch the restraint. I am only after comfort at this point and I am even too weak to obtain that. What must I do? I pray nightly for repentance and eat spiritual food for strength. I try talking to my parents on a regular basis. Without their love I am certain that I would never get the strength I need. But I keep growing.
I eventually grow to the point that the noose is feeling tight. I approach my parents and tell them all I have done to redeem myself and to make myself stronger. They are at a loss as to why I am now troubled. ?Why is the noose bothering you then? What more do you want from us? You are only concerned about yourself?. That itself is a sin of unthinkable proportions. They tell me, ?We cannot help you overcome this problem. You have grown and it is time for you to let go of your childish ways and we must assert tough love if you are ever going to overcome all your shortcomings?. Obviously, they have done everything in their power to show all my faults to me, but I have not listened well nor heeded all their advice in the manner that I should have. They turn their backs on me and tell me to go talk to the wise men that have trained them. The wisdom they have is much greater than theirs. My parents loved me so much that they humbled themselves to recognize that they could no longer help me. They had shortcomings too. But they could admit them. How noble. I love my parents.
So off I run, with the steps of an infant, to see the wise men and to ask for counsel. Upon meeting with them they are astonished that I have any problems whatsoever. They tell me that my parents have done such a wonderful job. They have done nothing but show unconditional love. They have even taught me how to strengthen myself so that I may follow others at a greater pace. These men where very wise indeed, for they spoke the truth. How they knew my parents did all that for me, I never quite figured out. But they knew.
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At some point I found that stretching the restraint was wasting my strength. At least I felt that way, but everyone around me said I was wrong. But I listened to myself, how or why I don?t know. I was told I was listening to Satan not God. But I started to think that since God created Satan, that maybe he did know a few things. As torn and twisted and disabled as I had become, I listened. I heard an inner voice tell me to save my strength. Store it up over time. The stretching of the nylon would continue forever and the noose would continue to draw tighter and tighter as I grew. I decided to keep this thought to myself. It might be worth a try.
I spent years storing up my strength. Never stretching, except the tightness of the noose so as not to restrict my consciousness. I began my ritual of spiritual bulimia, eating whatever I had to eat and purging it so that I didn?t grow and continue tightening the restraint and the noose. I reduced my conversations with my parents, knowing, as they told me, that they had given me all the love they had to offer. I lived a quiet, solitary life for a while. But I gained the strength my inner voice, or Satan, had told me I would need.
I woke up in the spring one year and the sun was beating heavily. It was a beautiful day of life. Life springing up everywhere. Did I have the strength? I wrestled with the thought for quite some time. I realized that my restraint represented my parents? love for me. I knew that what I was contemplating would all but destroy everything I had come to know. I lie in the sun, naked, breathing the fresh air, wondering how I would have the strength. I fell asleep for a while and dreamt wonderful dreams. Dreams of walking upright, breathing freely, stretching my muscles to feel good, eating foods I had never tasted. I dreamt about life. A simple life. But I knew that my restraint had hindered me from ever fulfilling that dream.
When I awoke from this dream, I realized that the sun had beat down on the nylon, making it shrink and feeling tighter than normal. I felt like I had sinned for dreaming these dreams and god was reminding me not to stray. But I realized something else, ever so slightly, the nylon had a coarse feeling. It wasn't smooth and silky like it usually was. It had dried up, like a bone, and was kinking rather than flowing and twisting. It was then that I realized I had the strength to break the nylon. It must be sudden, a snap, so that the internal bands were not allowed to flex. It was only the outer shell that was dry and fragile, but I had to trust that that was enough. I had to believe that I had found the weakness in the restraint and the strength in my being to exert one sudden impulse and to become free. Will it hurt? Oh god yes, it's going to hurt. The noose will most certainly pull as tight as it ever has, constricting ever bit of air for quite some time. So I prepared myself. I knew I would most likely pass out, but kept telling myself to start pulling on the noose as soon as I awaken. And keep pulling. And keep pulling.
It was time. I snapped. It hurt. I lost consciousness. I woke up alone and afraid. I pulled at the noose, never quite getting it off, but now I hide it under my clothes so know one knows. I am constantly reminded of my restraint. But, I am free. Sort of.
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Being raised as a Jehovah's Witness I was reminded daily of my shortcomings, destructive ambitions, and self-centeredness. The love that I received was conditional. The nurturing that I received was either from a distant parent or a cult; I?m not sure to this day. I broke free over 20 years ago, and as I wrote above, still deal with the after affects of a neglected, traumatized childhood. I am starting to come to the conclusion that I have been living in a state of shock and bewilderment all my life. The traits that I exhibit are described as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I read the words, and I agree, but what can be done to outgrow this?
ugly