by campaign of hate 23 Replies latest jw friends
Christ, my mind feels f***ed. There is so many layers of indoctrination and rules and regulations in this, whatever this is (Religion? Cult?), its taking so long to process everything. The "what ifs" grate at me the most.
Right now i'm going to either ditch it all at once, and lose everything i love, or stick with it and have a strategy.
Lost for words right now. Don't know what to do.
I hate the way my mind jumps into 'apologetic' mode at the drop of a WT.
I just put it down to 40 odd years of indoctrination. It's like a well worn, rutted path that my bike wheels keep slipping into. I'll forge a new path eventually.
Don't panic. Not knowing what to do usually means it's best to do nothing - at least for now. Take your time, evaluate what it is that you need to be happy and ask as many questions as you want.
And yes, it is a cult.
your time, check out my other post on phases of mental extraction. You are at the home stretch to break free. I still attend some of the time with my spouse, however once I got through the detox part this became only a nuisance and not the stress fest it used to put me through. Now I sit and listen and see the million things wrong with all this.
the two things you need to get past are the all or nothing feeling baring down on you that you need to stay all the way on, or jump ship. Its a false alarm your witness mind is sounding. Take the time to turn it off and you will see clear. Second TTATTelder told someone else that time is on your side. This is another witness embedded subconscious alarm, that you need to rush and decide. Take the time you need and clean it out properly. There is no rush and no absolute thing you need to do. Just tell yourself you are going to live two lives for a while and continue your education in escaping however you will see fit.
FMF
Campaign... I would say just start to really "live your conscience" You don't have to prove anything to anyone but yourself. Take your time and read everything you can. Not sure how long you were in but when you get to the point of having a paradigm shift (and if your experience is like mine you will have several) it does seem a little overwhelming. Just breathe and live your life. Try to make some connections outside of the religion and just discuss life with your new connections.
If you start to live your conscience you will most likely be forced to make a decision about leaving the religion but that will not happen right away. You have time.
I should also say if you have children though, you have less time. As a born in witness it was very difficult for me to leave because I grew up in the religion and had tremendous loss (like many others here) Children need to be shown that the jw way of growing up is not normal.
Waking up and asking questions is exciting and scary at the same time. Go for it, make your own new normal and enjoy the rest of your new life!
pbrow
campaign of hate:
I am going through the same thing as you. I'm still active, I even give opening prayer at the meetings occasionally. That's the hardest. Gritting your teeth and going through the motions because you're not ready to show your cards.
I was feeling really crazy and messed up last week. I feel different this week. Do you know why?
I made an appointment with a therapist. I need to talk verbally to someone about these dilemmas, even if they just listen. I need to get it out in the open.
This forum helps, but it's not the same as saying it out loud.
Once I made that appointment, even though it's not for a couple weeks, I felt a million times better because I knew I'd be able to talk to someone in confidence without fear of being judged.
Im so sorry you are feeling down campaign, thats a rough place to be.
Would it help if you knew its not forever? Your going through something but it will resolve in time. Nicolaou gave good advice when he said if you dont know what to do, wait. Sometimes the answer will become clearer just with the simple passage of time.
Some good advice I got once is to make important decisions when you are having a good day - never on a down day.
In the meanwhile, hang in there and know you are not alone.
I've been there, and still am there to some extent. I've been awake for 9 months, but there have been few outward indications to anyone that this is the case, with the exception of my wife, and even there I've tried to be subtle and take it slow.
Much of this cult seems to be designed to cause the reaction you're experiencing upon waking up - they want you to flip out and quit all at once. They want you to run to all your friends and proclaim from the rooftops "They joined the UN!" or "They protect child rapists!" or the generic but ever so accurate "They're lying to you!" This is what they want. They want you to immediately discredit yourself. They want it to be obvious that you've taken in "apostate information." They know that once someone gets to where you are, you're no good to them anymore, so the system is designed to get you out of the way fast and in a way that makes everything you say seem like it's just some elaborate apostate scheme and your mind's been poisoned and you only left for selfish reasons, etc. etc.
They force JWs to bottle up any doubts. They say the elders are there to help, but everyone knows not to go to the elders with doubts. Everyone with genuine doubts know they can't be explained away, and they know that any attempt will just make it worse and then they'll be marked as a doubter by the elders. So you bottle it up and the pressure builds until you explode. Since everything has been calm on the surface, the explosion is easily rationalized away by others as you simply losing your mind.
Don't let them win. Beat their system, play your cards close to your chest and take things slow. As others have said, time is on your side. The march of time proves them wrong every day, and only gives you more cards to play. There's no way around it - you'll lose a lot when you leave, but you may not have to lose everything and you certainly don't have to be unprepared. Make sure you have a stable footing outside the cult before you leave, and don't confirm all their expectations that you're bitter and selfish and you've been fooled and will only end up in a miserable life upon leaving. Living well is the best revenge.
Stay strong buddy, we're all pulling for ya.
