When leaving was due to "Sin" and not Apostasy

by Cat2016 9 Replies latest jw experiences

  • Cat2016

    It has been 18 years since I decided to leave and fade away, and at that time I was feeling a lot of pressure that I wasn't doing enough, didn't fit in with the folks in my congregation, and was unhappy in my young JW marriage. Needless to say I recklessly went and had an affair that left me pregnant. I did not know what to do, I panicked and got major anxiety. I finally found myself doing something that I never would have imagined doing, I had an abortion. I rationalized it by thinking that this baby if given the breath of life would surely die along with me in Armageddon, and so I thought that it would be better to terminate it (at 3weeks) while it was just a small fetus. I was wrought with guilt and shame and wanted to kill myself. I could not bring myself to tell any JW or the elders. I felt they had no right to judge me and concern themselves in such private matters and that if this became known, I'd be disfellowshipped. I have since then divorced, and had a 15 year common law relationship with a non JW, and we have a 13 year old daughter. Three years ago we separated and in the course of separating my daughter refuses to talk to me or see me. I've finally come to my breaking point, depression, anxiety, and a failed suicide attempt.

    I started searching for the truth again to find a strength greater then my own to deal with my life. I had never questioned the JW doctrine, although I've always worried about Armageddon destroying me and my non witness family. So I considered going back to JW's. With that thought I went to You Tube and looked up ex JW's to see if there was anyone like me out in the world and to see what those exiting the faith had to say about it today. Something I never did do because all these years it was still drilled into me that apostates were bad, the worst.

    The first thing I came across the Austrailian commission with Jeffry Jackson, and I was shocked to learn that child sex abuse has infiltrated the organization and was covered up. I've since been online everyday on JW facts and mostly youtube learning more and more that the doctrines can be disproved, including the understanding of the 'generation that will not pass away'.

    I realize that this faith that taught me from infancy not be part of this world was also part of the NGO United Nations. That just bothered me so much. I blame that no part of the world teaching for most of the misery in my life.

    So for 18 years I've suffered with guilt and I think this had a huge affect on my life, because I left due sins and not apostate thinking. Now after doing the research I realize that for the first time this may not be the truth. I don't think the truth a we'd like it to be exists in religion today.

    Im interested to know if anyone has some advise how I can come to terms with those teachings that are still imbedded in my psyche, so I don't live in fear for the rest of my life of impending doom. Also how to believe that God and Jesus could care for me, and if I can find a way to have their support in my life now that I've hit spiritual rock bottom and have lost my daughter and the grief of that is overwhelming.

    Thank you

  • bsmart

    Welcome, you are so smart to have taken advantage of technology... Many have traveled the same road. Out but still a believer. If you need direction or spiritual counseling don't go back to the Kingdom hall!

    We are here with 15 years of wisdom. The search function is really good. We have believers and atheists and some of us are blunt but tell it as they see it. If you have insurance, counseling can really help. This site is addictive and I visit every day. Take care.

  • Crazyguy

    If your still a bible believer then just read the sermon on the mount and maybe a couple of small books like Ephesians and Galatians you'll soon realize that thier teachings seemed to be all about love especially those taught by the character they call Jesus. Wasn't about works Ephesians 2:8-9 not judgment not doing things for religious leaders or having to follow any man but one simple thing , Have love for one another!!!!

  • bsmart

    Teenagers are going through a lot, they are trying to separate from their parents and sometimes a family splitting up makes it even harder for them, they feel like they must take sides. Let her know you still love her and if she needs to talk you are there for her. Remember her birthday and hang in there.

  • freddo

    Welcome. We can offer you much non-judgemental support and advice. You can still respect the teachings of Jesus or even continue to believe he is your saviour and that Jehovah is his father without having to ally yourself to any religion or cult.

    Personally, as an ex elder who still attends some meetings to keep a relationship with family and a handful of "semi-awake" but attending friends I hate what the drilled in beliefs of the WT a.k.a jwborg do to good people.

    Please let us help you on your journey.

  • OnTheWayOut

    Discovering that virtually everything you know to be true is a lie is very disturbing. While recovery is a long road, you started it. That is a huge accomplishment.

    It's okay to not know what is "the truth" or the path you will (or should) take from here. Relax about that.

  • OneEyedJoe

    As far as deprogramming yourself goes - education seems to be the best bet. Read sites like jwfacts.com and jwsurvey.org and you'll start to see holes in doctrine and how you were manipulated. Books by Steven Hassan and his site freedomofmind.com are also good resources that will help you understand how you were manipulated and come to terms with the guilt associated with that (the feelings of "It's so obvious, why didn't I see it before?" - turns out that lots of smart people get trapped in cults and the deck was stacked against you). Learning how you were manipulated the first time around also has the effect of helping you to avoid letting it happen again in the future - without that, many who leave high-control groups or cults find themselves falling into another cult.

    If videos are more your thing, the ones by TheraminTrees on youtube are great as well. A favorite of mine, and a good primer on how you were manipulated, is https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IaUhR-tRkHY

    Congrats on starting your journey out of the indoctrination of your youth! It can be a long one and there can be challenges, but it's well worth it! I wish you the best of luck going forward.

  • Cat2016

    Thank you for your replies! I am currently watching Jason Zelda on Youtube he has a 15 video presentation tailored to JW's and its been very helpful to deprogram, one vid I found interesting is about the JW bible using Johannes Greber's occult bible to support their version of John 1:1. Then I got side-tracked to Rick Fearor's radio show debunking JW's. There is so much information to go thru but with each bit added it seems more apparent to me that I'm going to be able to release myself from these long held beliefs. thank you so much for your support <3

  • Vidiot
    Cat2016 - "I don't think the truth as we'd like it to be exists in religion today."

    Yup. Credit where credit's due...

    ...the Org has done a bang-up job inoculating most of us against any other form of religious expression. :smirk:

    Welcome to the exodus.

    PS: Avoid Rick Fearon. He's like the Alex Jones of the XJW world, and he has a religious agenda (clearly, the inoculation didn't take).

  • All or nothing
    All or nothing

    Crisis of conscience by former gb member Franz REALLY helped me realize I wasn't raised with "the truth". Do some searches on here and Internet about cognitive dissonance - it will really make sense to you how you feel and how to start deprogramming from what was inculcated in us. Start making all decisions based on what makes you alone happy, not based on what we are supposed to do, and have no guilt about it. This jw guilt is crippling and handicaps your emotional well being. Checking this site regularly and reading others journeys has proved invaluable to begin the path to healing! Welcome😊

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