It has been 18 years since I decided to leave and fade away, and at that time I was feeling a lot of pressure that I wasn't doing enough, didn't fit in with the folks in my congregation, and was unhappy in my young JW marriage. Needless to say I recklessly went and had an affair that left me pregnant. I did not know what to do, I panicked and got major anxiety. I finally found myself doing something that I never would have imagined doing, I had an abortion. I rationalized it by thinking that this baby if given the breath of life would surely die along with me in Armageddon, and so I thought that it would be better to terminate it (at 3weeks) while it was just a small fetus. I was wrought with guilt and shame and wanted to kill myself. I could not bring myself to tell any JW or the elders. I felt they had no right to judge me and concern themselves in such private matters and that if this became known, I'd be disfellowshipped. I have since then divorced, and had a 15 year common law relationship with a non JW, and we have a 13 year old daughter. Three years ago we separated and in the course of separating my daughter refuses to talk to me or see me. I've finally come to my breaking point, depression, anxiety, and a failed suicide attempt.
I started searching for the truth again to find a strength greater then my own to deal with my life. I had never questioned the JW doctrine, although I've always worried about Armageddon destroying me and my non witness family. So I considered going back to JW's. With that thought I went to You Tube and looked up ex JW's to see if there was anyone like me out in the world and to see what those exiting the faith had to say about it today. Something I never did do because all these years it was still drilled into me that apostates were bad, the worst.
The first thing I came across the Austrailian commission with Jeffry Jackson, and I was shocked to learn that child sex abuse has infiltrated the organization and was covered up. I've since been online everyday on JW facts and mostly youtube learning more and more that the doctrines can be disproved, including the understanding of the 'generation that will not pass away'.
I realize that this faith that taught me from infancy not be part of this world was also part of the NGO United Nations. That just bothered me so much. I blame that no part of the world teaching for most of the misery in my life.
So for 18 years I've suffered with guilt and I think this had a huge affect on my life, because I left due sins and not apostate thinking. Now after doing the research I realize that for the first time this may not be the truth. I don't think the truth a we'd like it to be exists in religion today.
Im interested to know if anyone has some advise how I can come to terms with those teachings that are still imbedded in my psyche, so I don't live in fear for the rest of my life of impending doom. Also how to believe that God and Jesus could care for me, and if I can find a way to have their support in my life now that I've hit spiritual rock bottom and have lost my daughter and the grief of that is overwhelming.