I have this thing. I don't know why it is or how to stop it.
Every time I happen to daydream about something positive from my childhood, some related cult aspect comes to mind and extinguishes it like a candle is being blown out.
For a while, I thought this was anger and resentment causing me to want to find an excuse to be angry (not that I need one). I'm probably now as "over" the anger as I ever will be, so I'm thinking that's not it.
It's not something I'm consciously doing. For example, I was driving and listening to a song that was popular when I was really young, probably right before the cult got me. I was remembering a relative teasing me while singing the song. Then I started remembering all the sh1t he did to me in later years via the cult, becoming an MS and supporting some truly messed up decisions by the local BOE.
I mean, seriously, why. I don't deliberately think about this person, but I was smiling and remembering the silly song thing, and then a moment later I am remembering myself in one of the worst moments of my childhood.