Here I am 63 years old, out of the cult going on 8 years, went through a year of therapy back in 2007, been working very hard to become the person I have always wanted to be. But what happen to me a few days ago just blew me out of the water for the past two days. I am now finally coming to grips with my emotions and understanding what caused me such distress.
Here's what happen. We was having a congregation forum where everyone can share how we can better serve the congregation in being more inviting. A member raised her hand and started to verbally attack me about how I feel about Christian religion and how Christians are those who teach love and should not be criticized for their actions. After she was done I looked at her and apologize for hurting her feelings. This just made her more furious at me. Again I try to explain how negative my background was and I am working hard on this problem. She said she wants nothing to do with me and she feels like she is being persecuted for being a Christian. Other members chime in and defended my position. My wonderful wife spoke out in my behalf and I think at that point this lady pop a cork. The forum ended shortly after and I went up to her and sincerely apologize to her again and said I wish she had come to me and talk about how she felt. She said you expect me . to come up to a big person like you and talk. Then she turned away from me.
A friend of mine called her later that day and talk to her. My friend brought out she is furious with everyone in our congregation for not coming to her defense. Also she told my friend that my past Abuse's as a child I most likely made it worse than it was and my case was likely a very isolated case and not that bad. She felt I have been overstating the abuse that is taking place in the Wt. and there are probably no abuse taking place at all.
She was minimizing what I have gone through and minimizing what all others have gone through in this corrupt organization. You might as will have stick a knife in my heart. I was devastated and feeling totally worthless. I could not understand why I was feeling so bad! After all I thought I have worked through all this. But another dear friend called and talk to me about what happen. After expressing how I felt she said something that open my mind to why I feel that way. By saying how she understands how someone who is publicly put down like I was would be hurt. Suddenly a light came on in my brain. I guess I never dealt with this abuse before. My first 4 years in school my teachers would on a daily basis make fun of me in front of the whole class on how horrible I was for not saluting the flag. One even would even try to force me to put my hand over my heart.
I now understand how those old feelings have surfaced to make me feel bad. I told my wife maybe I should write a letter to this women and thank her for helping me to understand my deep buried feelings caused by her. I went through sexual, violent attack by my abuser, verbal and spiritual abuse. And it was the verbal abuse that came back to bit me in the butt this last weekend. For all who are survivor's of abuse my heart goes out to all of you. From one who is also a survivor and working hard to be a better person. Take care and have peaceful thoughts. Still Totally ADD