Striving for more

by punkofnice 9 Replies latest jw experiences

  • punkofnice
    punkofnice

    I hate my life! I have to say it, but I do.

    I have a sneaking suspicion that because I was raised in the dangerous Jehovah Borgness cult, that this is the reason. I was told if god didn't watch me masturbating or smoking, then he'd let me live forever in perfect conditions.

    I left the bOrg and as a result my JW wife left me and re-married another gung ho jobo. I now do not...nay, cannot, believe there is a god or anything after this life. I'm less than 3 years away from retirement and my life is drab.

    I live alone and have become rather disassociated from the idea of having a romantic partner. The very idea has become silly to me. I don't need anyone to validate me.....and yet.....ah, I dunno.....

    I feel like I should be able to attain something magnificent. A stately home as a substitute for what the Watchtower conned me into believing.. A toff life-style. Yes, I do think this is a substitute for 'eternal life on a paradise Earth (TM)'.

    I was indoctrinated to believe 'better must come' (a good reggae song, Delroy Wilson if I recall), and now I know it won't.

    I have written books including the JW interviews, but now removed them from Amazon because, what's the point? I just feel let down and weary with it all.

    Does any of this make any sense? Anyone else felt/feel the same?

    Thanks for listening. Paul.

  • Simon
    Simon

    It's easy to sometimes go through phases of your life where you feel you are in a rut, finding little joy in anything.

    I find it good to have something to work on as a project that I can accomplish. I think everyone needs some goal whether it is building or creating something or helping others in some way. It gives us the purpose to get out of bed each morning.

    Constantly looking back at the effect of the JW experience on our life is inevitable but doesn't help. But I think people often overlook the good times we enjoyed.

    It's like leaving a crappy job you hate. Only years later do you think about the good experiences you had as part of it and maybe the people that our lives momentarily overlapped to our benefit.

    One thing I've found that helps, which sounds utterly trivial, is to set a goal to make a stranger that you meet laugh or just smile that day. Like any "giving" it ends up making you feel great.

  • truth_b_known
    truth_b_known

    PunkofNice:

    I can relate to a lot of what you are going through. I think of what Dr. Viktor Frankl wrote about in his book Mankind's Search for Meaning. Frankl goes into the idea of people suffering from an existential vacuum in their lives. Frankl theorizes that humans don't ache for happiness, but rather desire meaning.

    The writings of philosopher Alan Watts and the teachings of Buddhism are got me out of the dark, black hole I was in. Buddhism is nothing more than the first psychological analysis of the human experience and a means to end suffering. It is not a religion with commandments, gods, devils, heaven or hell. It is a liberation of the mind.

    Life is just about experiencing existence. The brain traps us in resenting the past or worrying about the future. The only time we live is in the now. Live in the now. Try to make the world or someone's life a little better each day.

    The more we accept what people label as "bad" the greater the experience of what those same people label as "good". Instead society has us chasing after pleasure and running away from pain. It's like watching patients in a mental hospital trying to fly by lifting at their shoes laces or escape their shadows.

  • punkofnice
    punkofnice

    Thank you Simon. I am luckier than many people and I play in a well respected local band now. Perhaps I will get that Stately home, country cottage or apartment in Ontario one day.

    TBN - thanks for your encouragement. I recently obtained a copy of the Tao te ching. My search for meaning continues.

  • stan livedeath
    stan livedeath

    if you do think a bit of romance could be good for you--can i recommend a dating site ? I dont mean the sort you have to pay for--but something like Plenty of Fish. It worked for me..the order book quickly filled up.

  • punkofnice
    punkofnice

    Stan the man - Thanks for the offer but I don't need anyone anymore. No other person on the planet can validate me. Co-dependency isn't for me, I have to say. Maybe it never was, but due to the way society is, I thought I had to conform to having a life partner. As for soul mate, give me a break!

  • stan livedeath
    stan livedeath

    any plans for when you are retired ?

  • punkofnice
    punkofnice
    Stan the man - any plans for when you are retired ?

    Not a scooby, mate.

    A campervan and bugger off into the sunset?

  • stan livedeath
    stan livedeath

    a lot of guys would envy you.

  • truth_b_known
    truth_b_known
    TBN - thanks for your encouragement. I recently obtained a copy of the Tao te ching. My search for meaning continues.

    The Tao Te Ching is a great book. When Buddhism entered China it was widely accepted do to similarities with Taoism. Taoism influenced Buddhism and gave us Zen Buddhism. It's all about living in harmony. Instead of rowing your boat upstream you raise your sail and sail across the ocean of life.

    “When there is no desire,

    all things are at peace.” ― Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching


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