The Pain of Coming to a Decision

by daniel-p 26 Replies latest jw friends

  • Pistoff

    Daniel-p, great to have you back here.

    My 2 cents:

    If she doesn't do anything with her faith, why teach it to our kids? Why must my baby girl not celebrate birthdays or Christmas? Just because that's how we grew up, but don't care enough about anymore to live our lives in accordance with our old faith? What about when it comes to blood? Who's going to decide whether or not she gets a blood transfusion if she needs it? Is she going to be indoctrinated against blood and then suffer the agony and guilt of personal defilement when her father tells the doctors to administer the transfusion?

    Witnesses may not attend or go in service, but the beliefs are usually deeply embedded.

    When your wife stopped going, I think that the guilt over not attending may be reinforcing her beliefs and so she is compensating by 'at least' teaching her children.

    As you are seeing, though, the beliefs are very damaging; your daughter imagines Satan being happy over your actions.

    I can't think of anything more screwed up than scaring a child into thinking about devils and demons.

    Here is the thing; you must take care of yourself, keep yourself healthy physically, emotionally and mentally. Your children need you.

    You might need to separate or divorce your wife in order to do that; I have 2 people close to me whose choice was to either take the jump off the bridge, or leave the marriage.

    If that is where you are heading, please, leave the marriage; your children need you, and they will be better off in the long run to come from a divorce than a suicide affected family.

    I hope that doesn't sound too dramatic, but it is how I feel.

  • flipper

    DANIEL-P - Man my friend , I really feel for you, I really do man. I went through this scene with my JW ex-wife after 19 years of marriage back in 1998. There are no easy solutions. I wanted to get professional marriage counseling- she did not - so we were done and we divorced moving on in life- sometimes that is the only option when all other options have run out.

    That being said it's up to both you and your wife to determine your future together. Heart to heart confidential talks with each other from the bottom of your soul and I highly recommend both of you going to a professional marriage counselor to get an objective view of the deep lying resentments that may be running within both of you towards the other that have never been openly communicated. It may reveal surprises you were never aware of that existed. The counselor will help both of you see where there is room for improvement and growing if the relationship is to be healed. if your wife refuses to go- then that may be giving you your answer as to whether she wants the marriage to continue- or not. No easy solutions brother- just know that we love ya here and if you ever need a friend, I'm here, O.K. ? Feel free to PM me and perhaps we can chat on the phone sometime, O.K. ? Hang in bud, Peace out, Mr. Flipper

  • fleshyheadedmutant

    Your wife will have no idea what she's dealing with if you don't tell her. She must love you very much to put up with your being "emotionally unavailable" to her.

    First, tell her you appreciate all that she does, and mean it. Then talk with her. Really talk. Couldn't this clear the air? Please don't just leave and divorce and not give your family a chance.

    Perhaps a lot of their happiness is up to you. I remember a quote from Abraham Lincoln, "Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds they want to be."

  • Doubting Bro
    Doubting Bro


    Sorry I missed this post at first. As I read your dilemma, I can relate in so many ways. Only you can decide the right course of action. Know that you aren't alone and there are folks here and other places that are more than happy to talk. I saw counseling mentioned several places and that could be a great option if you are both willing to try it.

    This cult disgusts me more and more every day.

  • daniel-p
    Thanks everyone, so much, for your words of encouragement. I've re-read everything and pondered what everyone has to say. I did express to my wife some of the things I was feeling, and we had a very tough, honest and emotionally draining discussion. It's clear that she will not yield in her beliefs and will continue teaching our kids. We understand the fact that a major connection between us is missing because of it. She doesn't respect my lack of faith and she thinks I disdain her beliefs. I told her that no matter what happens to us, I will always love and respect her. I don't know if that will be enough. We have been married 13 years and have been through so much. I have a lot of affection for her and she has been a safe place for me for a long time. But we are not connecting and haven't been connecting for years. I don't look forward to making love to her and do not feel passionately with her. She has told me that she is not sure that being with me since I've left the truth has made her a better person. We confided in each other that we've both thought of dying. I will seek counseling for us through my employers program, as soon as we get back from vacation. In my heart of hearts, I want to leave and feel connected and drawn to someone again, but there is infinite sorrow that I would be leaving my children as well, and I'm not strong enough to make that decision.
  • JWdaughter

    I would pull the headship thing and take your kids back. Life isn't fair, and you changed your mind. I'm sorry, but in my little world there would be NO issue about who decides if child will get blood. It's always going to be your decision.

    I've been playing Ms. Nice guy for way too much of my life. I am near 50 now and I really regret bending over backwards all the time to accomodate others lives, feelings, needs while neglecting real needs of my own. Its good to do in some things, but bending over backwards all the time is BAD for you. Tends to make you "spineless". I'd say take back your kids, take back your life and if she wants to be the bad guy, let her. If she doesn't, maybe it will kindle something. Who knows?

    I feel bad for you because I know what it feels like to know that you are the one who changed the game. I know how it feels to want to be with someone who cares about you and respects you.

    My best to you. I want to get that little girl a christmas present and I hope she gets one next year.

  • pbrow


    Lifes a peach huh??

    I am in the "pull the headship" card. Start getting your kids into things, start with boy or girl scouts. Start encouraging your children to have sleepovers with normal (not "worldly") kids. Start having the families of normal kids over for bbq. As a witness we shut out the world. Bring the world into your house!! Show the wife that most people are good and kind. Boy scout meeting? McD's afterwords. Last big band practice on thursday night, ice cream afterwords. Let your kids and your wife see with their own eyes how pleasant and involved and normal these "worldly" people really are... plus you dont even have to argue with her about it!

    "Hey bro soandso, we were really excited about soccer tourny that little pistoff was in this weekend and thats why we left the meeting early. "its so great to watch little pistoff use his Jah-given talents on the soccer field, what a treasure these young ones are "

    It is so easy for the "never miss a meeting/service crowd" to be self righteous about missing meetings for sports or school activities. Even if the paradise was real, these kids will NEVER be kids again.

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