No big A in 2034? Here's WTBTS' next excuse!

imallgrowedup

Noah and the Ark: It is the year 2033 and Noah lives in the United States. The Lord speaks to Noah and says: "In one year I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark. "In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark. "Remember," said the Lord, You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year." Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his from yard weeping. "Noah." He shouted, "Where is the Ark?" "Lord please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices. Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls. The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls. When I started rounding up the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard. Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take it very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe. Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood plan. I sent them a globe. Right now, I am trying to resolve the complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard! The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a recreational water craft. Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional. "I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah wailed. The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?" "No," said the Lord. "Your government already has." Amen...

SanFranciscoJim

Chapter 2:

So Noah and his family dismantled the ark and moved to their lovely home in Southern California called "Beth Sarim".

All went well until one day, when Noah received a call on his cell phone asking him to fly immediately to Patterson, New York for a meeting with the 24 members of the Governing Body. Recognizing the urgency of the situation, Noah immediately hired a hovercraft and flew to Bethel Headquarters (now referred to as "Beth Sarim East").

Upon arrival, Noah was quickly escorted by two armed bodyguards to a secret underground location where the Governing Body was already holding a secret conference with the ambassadors of the United Nations. They were negotiating for the rights to make Jehovah's Witnesses the designated official world religion. Bulgaria and France were the only two countries keeping the vote from passing.

Noah was taken to the podium where he gave a rousing talk on the evils of Christendom, and how "false religion" had destroyed the world, provoking Jehovah's wrath to the point where he threatened a second flood. Noah pointed an accusatory finger at world politics as he had been taught to do. Several members of the United Nations got angry and stormed out, including the United States, North Korea, and Palestine. Several members of the Governing Body chased after them, begging them to stay.

After several grueling days, an accord was finally reached. The United Nations agreed to create a task force to seek out and destroy Weapons of Mass Religion. This committee was to be headed by a young newcomer to the political arena named Franz Blix.

Details of the treaty were reported in the Associated Press to be as follows:

(1) All Weapons of Mass Religion are to be destroyed. This includes, but is not limited to, Books of Mormon, anything written by L. Ron Hubbard, those annoying Born-Again Christian pamphlets, and even Gideon Bibles, which are to be replaced with New World Translations. All crosses are to be burned. All religious icons, regardless of antiquity, are to be destroyed.

(2) Once all WMRs are deemed destroyed, a new discussion is to take place at a top secret location between the Watchtower Book, Tract, and Internet Publishing Corporation (its new name since it absorbed Microsoft in 2026) and the United Nations to finalize making Jehovah's Witnesses the official world religion.

(3) If Bulgaria and France do not co-operate, they are to be annihilated. Those who look at the annihilation are to become pillars of salt.

(4) Women shall all wear head coverings, ensuring that their dresses are modest and below the knee. They shall be in submission to man.

As the treaty began to be carried out, Jehovah looked down upon the earth and saw great discord and suffering. Jehovah called out to Noah and said: "I think you better get those animals back into the ark."

And it came to pass that for once, the Watchtower did make a correct prediction. 2034 was the right year after all.

imallgrowedup

ROFLMBO @ SFJ!!!!

You need to get that story published!!! It's hilarious!

This story and a warm glass of milk ought to make every Witness sleep a little better at night!

growedup

SanFranciscoJim

You need to get that story published!!! It's hilarious!

You may not know it, but I am a writer.

I'm expecting my first science fiction novel to be published any time now (if my publisher would stop dragging their feet and get the blasted cover designed!)

I'm well into writing my second novel. JW doctrine will figure prominently in my next work. It's going to be about a former cult member who discovers the true secret to immortality, and what happens to an entire race of humans once they stop dying.

I had fun writing the above Chapter 2. Should I write Chapter 3, or would someone else like to pick it up where I left off?

Phantom Stranger

I like to think we would have locked the nutcase up.

Yeah, there's no wood anywhere in this country. And people are losing their constitutional right to build arks and chase endangered species every day - damned government.

Guest 77

SFJim, why don't you publish your own book?

Guest 77

imallgrowedup

SFJ -

I'm impressed! You'll have to let us all know when it comes out so we can pick up a copy!

By all means, go ahead with Chapter 3. If someone else wants to chime in - the more the merrier!

Looking forward to your next piece of work! I cracked up at the last one!

growedup

P.S. Your next novel sounds great, too!

Phantom,

Here in California, it would be against the law to lock up any nutcases! They are part of the scenery! We need them to continually define who we are out here on the left coast to the rest of the world! If'n you don't believe me, you can mosey on down here sometime and catch a glimpse of them chained to a tree or a boulder in the middle of a raging river. If you are real sly, you can catch them while they are share cropping alfalfa sprouts with Bambi while living out of a psychadelically painted '65 VW Bus! But don't worry about us! They're pretty harmles, so we don't worry about them too much!

As for Noah, I hear he was talking to the State about the possibily of a zero emissions flotation device that would be constructed of recycled post-consumer waste. No word on whether he will see approval on these plans before any stricter laws are passed! Oh well! Good thing I got me some swim lessons when I was a tyke!

TTFN,

growedup

P.S. I'm just pokin' fun - all *hate* mail will be cheerfully returned!

Poztate

SF Jim,

Chapter 2 sounded great.Continue on with chapter 3 etc.

jayhawk1

More, more! This was too funny.

No big A in 2034? Here's WTBTS' next excuse!

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