Can you help me? Friend's situation needs some help...

by Billygoat 18 Replies latest members private

• 

  Billygoat

  I have a male friend. "John" is in his early 30's, a devout Christian, a bit of a square, with a heart of gold, very trusting, and single. He's not exceptionally handsome, although once you meet him, he becomes attractive because of his sweetness. He is very much a gentleman and any girl that would fall in love with him, would be VERY lucky! Lately he has been really wishing he had someone special in his life. He's struggled lately because most of his friends are married now and he does not have a serious girlfriend.

  Several months ago John met a person on a Christian singles website. "Jane" lives in Southern California. They began IMing, emailing, and eventually talking on the phone. They've exchanged addresses, have sent presents, letters, and cards to each other. They even planned a trip for Jane to visit John here in Texas. Neither are interested in the "dating" scene and are looking for a serious life-long relationship. John has said that even though he has not met her, he is in love with her and wants to marry her. In an email to me, Jane has labeled John "the love of her life". They have discussed marriage and her moving here to Texas. She's even searched for a job here. Everything seems very serious.

  So...John and Jane have planned this trip for her to visit him. But at the last minute, she had emergency gall-badder surgery and the trip was postponed. Once out of the hospital and in recovery, Jane was doing very well. So the trip was once again planned a few weeks later. But some infection complications have postponed that trip as well. She is again in recovery and visiting the hospital almost daily for IV antibiotics. They are approaching their "four-month relationship mark" here in a few days. They are again planning her trip to visit John here in Texas.

  So what's the problem? I DO believe that people can meet on the internet and fall in love. I've seen it happen here several times. But I also believe that sometimes people don't always have pure motives either. John has many friends that are struggling Jane actually being who she claims to be. This hurts him because HE believes and it has caused a bit of a wedge in their friendships. So I am trying to be as supportive as possible, although I have some doubts as well. Does her trip keep getting cancelled because there are really health issues? Is she who she says she is?

  I'd like to believe that Jane is truly who she says she is and that she isn't yanking my friend's chain. For his sake. He is really head over heels with her. But I am a little more cynical than he is and not quite as trusting. I feel terrible for not sharing my true viewpoint with John, but at the same time I'm doing it because he really needs me to believe him. I don't want a wedge in our friendship like there is with his other friends. If John's right, then he never need know my incorrect viewpoint. If I'm right, then I want to be in a position to support him.

  What do I do? I have her name, address, phone number, and email address. Is there anyway I can do a search to see if she really says she is? If anyone has any advice, please let me know.

  Thanks,

  Andi
• 

  Sassy

  Did your friend talk to her when she was in the hospital? If he did, I would guess there is a good chance this is on the level. If he didn't, hmm.. I don't know. While it is true we can meet people who are not who they say they are, there are the honest ones as well. I've met some 'fake people' on the net. Some I thought were married by other signs, and when trying to be a JW, met men who had enough knowledge to say they were to fake me out for a while. The thing is you don't know. You have supported your friend through this and I am sure that means so much to him. If you get in the middle and it turns out she is for real but it hurt by the investigation, you could cause hurt and damage that might impact your friendship which means so much to you. Its a hard call. I understand you want to save him pain. I really hope this works out for all involved.
• 

  SixofNine

  Dollars to doughnuts it's a weight issue

  I would say don't support your friend"s delusions. Yeah, you could hire an agency to suss this woman out, but why not just get your friend on a plane to california?

  Internet liars love to use hospital visits, deaths in the family, death of a friend (they love to kill people, lol), divorces, etc to get people emotionally involved in believing. But in this instance, perhaps the emergency gall bladder surgery has an even more practical side than emotional manipulation.

  He is really head over heels with her.

  Maybe, but not in a way that anyone should respect. This is not healthy behaviour, from any reasonable standpoint.

  btw, hi :) missed you guys this weekend!
• 

  Valis

  Hi Andi...missing you and the mozz here..You could call her yourself, but above all you need to have a sit down with your friend and explain to him that there may be a huge let down in store for him. Why he asks? Because it has happened to people who try to have Internet relationships before. It won't hurt him to hear this from someone kind and caring like you and I certainly would hope my friends were watching out for me. You could ask him if he would think differently if this trip goes south as well. Plain and simple. You are a good friend Andi and I wish you the best of luck however you go about it. Oh and tell mozz that he and I need to got out again soon..

  Sincerely,

  District Overbeer
• 

  JeffT

  I've seen both sides of it. A woman I worked with a few years ago went to Paris with a guy she first met on the net. She came back with an engagement ring. (He proposed at the top of the Eifel Tower - how could she say no). I know of another couple that met on the net, and were working on wedding plans when her company moved her to a different building and I lost track of her.

  On the other hand there was a very flaky secretary here that put up a thing about herself in some on line singles place. One of the other gals in the office looked her up and said that the picture she used was about two years and a hundred pounds out of date. Don't get me wrong here - my issue with this is the lack of honesty.

  I guess all you can do is stick by your friend and be ready to cheer if it come out OK, or hold his hand if it doesn't.
• 

  Nosferatu

  John is going to run into problems if he's incredibly desperate to get married. He's setting himself up for many disappointments in the future. If a man can learn that he doesn't need a woman to live a full life, the women will flock to him. Women will only dream of having a fraction of the time that the man spends on his other interests.

  If I was in John's position, I'd pull back from this woman and date other people. There's one thing that John hasn't leaned yet in life: You cannot have a Long Term Relationship without being in a Short Term Relationship first. It just doesn't work that way.

  It's possible that whis woman has health problems, but it's also possible that she's found another man. The reason why internet relationships are incredibly risky is because the only interaction you can have with the person is reading what they typed, and hearing their voice on the phone. The physical interaction isn't there. Physical interaction is an important aspect in attraction.

  Anyway, I could keep writing forever on this subject. I think what it all boils down to is that John needs to stop basing his life on a hope, and base his life on reality. Living in a world of dreams is only going to lead one to disappointment.
• 

  Billygoat

  Thanks peeps for responding!

  SNS -

  Did your friend talk to her when she was in the hospital? If he did, I would guess there is a good chance this is on the level.

  I don't know. But it's a great question. I'll ask John when I talk to him again. I do know that he's talked to her "mother" when she was visiting Jane. How many people would really try to deceive someone across the country with an older woman posing as their mother? Perhaps, but I don't know.

  While it is true we can meet people who are not who they say they are, there are the honest ones as well.

  This is what I'm REALLY hoping for. If she is as in love with him as he is with her, then this could be the perfect relationship for the two of them. Who knows? I've seen it happen on this very board, so I KNOW it happens and the love story is truly a great love story.

  If you get in the middle and it turns out she is for real but it hurt by the investigation, you could cause hurt and damage that might impact your friendship which means so much to you.

  This is what worries me. I have information that would allow me to do some type of search on the internet. But I just don't know how. And of course, I could never let my friend KNOW I'm doing it. But that makes me feel guilty too...even though I'm doing it to protect him.

  SIXY -

  Dollars to doughnuts it's a weight issue

  I've thought about that. And you know what? If it is, John wouldn't care. He really is the type to love people for their heart and not their skin. They have exchanged pictures, but we all know that isn't necessarily Truth either. If her pictures are really her, she is tiny, blonde, blue-eyed, and a total cutie. Since John isn't really a hottie, I worry that she is holding off because there isn't the chemistry coming from her end.

  btw, hi :) missed you guys this weekend!

  I missed y'all too! I hear I'm a movie star. LOL! Can I get a copy of it?

  VALIS -

  Oh and tell mozz that he and I need to got out again soon..

  ((((Trav)))) We need to hook up sometime soon. I hate missing all the fun around here, but we've been uber-busy!
• 

  tinkerbell82

  you know, i have to agree with Nos. Your friend sounds like a really nice person who has perhaps let loneliness get the best of him. Maybe this is me being cynical, but can you really fall "head over heels" for someone you've never been in the same room with?

  The physical interaction isn't there. Physical interaction is an important aspect in attraction

  i totally agree with this statement. Even speaking with someone over the phone is no substitute for the physical interaction, and that does play a really important role in any relationship. i think it's absolutely possible to feel that you've made a real connection with someone after speaking with them, but when you actually sit down with the person you just don't "click". i've been on blind dates before where this exact thing happened (i have too many well-meaning matchmaker-type friends :P).

  Maybe your friend just needs to get some space and perspective on the situation. I hope everything works out okay for him.
• 

  SpannerintheWorks

  Six and Valis, I agree with what you have said, but Six, can you get rid of the smiling vagina and Valis would you mind parting with the..well...what the hell IS THAT?

  Spanner
• 

  SixofNine

  ...... John wouldn't care. He really is the type to love people for their heart and not their skin.

  But he should care. Honesty is important. Hell, reality is important. Not to this person, not now, but it will be in due time. People who send out decieving accounts of themselves have a black heart and a rotten soul. And if he indeed doesn't care about her looks, isn't it just a bit funny that she is so cute and he is so in love, in spite of not having the experiences that could possibly bring about real love? I know you'd like for your friend to experience good things, but you can't cheat to find happiness.

  They have exchanged pictures, but we all know that isn't necessarily Truth either.

  That's true, I don't look anything like that gawd-awful picture that mulan posted of me, lol (small favors!)!

  If her pictures are really her, she is tiny, blonde, blue-eyed, and a total cutie. Since John isn't really a hottie, I worry that she is holding off because there isn't the chemistry coming from her end.

  Possible, but more likely that it just isn't really her, or it's her but not accurate today. After all, it's less likely that a total cutie would have taken the time to even get in this situation in the first place.

  BTW, you didn't say.... why doesn't he just hop on a plane and go see her?

  BTW II, I know of a situation just like this that went on for years! It would be funny if it wasn't so sad.

  Six, can you get rid of the smiling vagina

  lol, good lord man, if that reminds you of a vagina, get thee to a clinic!!!!