In a tight spot.......and unsure what to do!

Redneckgurl

Hi everyone! I have not posted in several months..........way too much emotionally for me to deal with everything, since my family is all "in the truth" and I am the black sheep who stopped attending meetings along with my husband and children since last November! (wow, almost a year!) My father is an elder (with habits to hide) and my mother is depressed and miserable (says she is so happy, whatever) and my little brother is so much like I used to be........in denial...........

Well here is my dilemma.........we are going to celebrate Halloween with the kids on Friday.......we have little jack-o-lanterns in the house, my mother saw them, she freaked, accused me of slapping Jehovah in the face and celebrating Satan's holiday and I heard the usual words that my parents have always said to me "YOU KNOW THAT IS WRONG, YOU KNOW IT" and I politely asked her to not speak to me that way and that I would not discuss it with her. She left all PO'd

There are several in the congregation who still call me to do their hair.........I don't want to do it anymore, but don't know how to tell them as many of them are elderly and I love them dearly.......I don't want to hurt them, ya know?

I feel like I should Disassociate myself for this reason.........to let everyone know and to stop wondering, after all, I am not bitter towards them, and I respect their feelings and don't want to feel like I am leading them on in any way. I really don't want anyone popping in and saying "what is that Xmas tree there for?" I don't want to explain anything, as I feel it does no good anyway. Most of us have been there, you know what I mean.

I am just ready to make the break.........very ready, and I don't want to hear "we miss you" or "when are you coming back to the meetings" or "I know someone else who took a break and they regret it"......I AM NOT JUST TAKING A BREAKlike I am on vacation or something!

Will DAing my self end all of these questions? Will it make it easier for me? After all, I don't want to be disfellowshipped, like it is out of my hands and someone else made the decision for me. Can't I be disfellowshipped for putting Xmas lights in my yard, or for someone seeing me dressed up on Halloween and trick-or-treating with my children? I want to do what I want to do without feeling like I have to hide so I don't get into trouble.............seems I run into Witnesses all the time.

Suggestions for those who can understand? Thank you so much!

K in Texas

Valis

Dallas says hello! Well, just think...all those old ladies letting an Apostate do their hair..I hope the beehives don't get demonized...*LOL* Anyway, if you DA yourself you are doing the same thing they do and will do (possible degrees of shunning) to you if the disfellowshiped you for whatever reason. I think one of the best ways to keep them off your back is doing exactly what you are. Hang more xmas lights, put spooky stuff in the front yard, go trick or treating...make it very known you want no part of their crazy delusional world. And when/if they do come calling simply tell them no thanks and goodbye. It might be hard to do, but it is the right thing for you and your family.

Sincerely,

District Overbeer

Emma

Red, first, welcome back to the forum. Many folks here have left the org both ways so you should soon be getting lots of help. I've been out for a while but think you probably would be disfellowshipped for "celebrating" a holiday. They just have no idea what it's all about; of course they don't when someone else is thinking for them. It sounds like you've made up your mind; good for you. Da'ing yourself would put the power in your hands. I faded and still don't feel "free" of it all; not sure it was right. Sometimes a clean break helps to move on. Keep asking questions.

Emma

calamityjane

I agree with Valis, by decorating your home they will come to the conclusion that you no longer want to be part of the organization.

When my hubby and I came out of the borg, we laid low for a while before we decided to get into the holiday spirit, including Halloween, etc. The year that we decided to do Halloween was the fact that our children were entering school and we didn't want to explain to them that no we don't celebrate Halloween because the religion we use to be with, forbid it. We wanted our children to be normal. We were no longer part of it, and we could do what we wanted, how we wanted, when we wanted. I know, its hard to break free of those chains but once you do, you will feel a great load being lifted.

Enjoy Friday night. Have fun with your kids.

Love

cj

Redneckgurl

District Overbreer,

I know what you are saying, but can't I be disfellowshipped anyway by so blatantly displaying the fact that I am NOT being a good JW? Probably doesn't help that I have lived in this town, grew up here, for the last 20 years. You know, the JW's were my life, I am starting to find new friends, my family and I, people to associate with who are fun and like us for who we are (which is very wierd by the way)

I don't want to ask my dad, the elder about this, it would probably kill him, but I don't know really, if I can get DF'd for being seen doing stuff, even if no one talks to me about it.

Oh, and here's a good one...........in the year that we have not attended meetings.......not 1 elder has come to see us, or even call. One saw us at the store and asked if they could come by sometime and I said yes (regrettably) but they never came!

Thanks for replying so quickly,

K in Texas (houston, actually)

franklin J

Hi Redneckgirl,

Hang in there....

I went through it 20 years ago. I understand; it is hard. In my experience, I did not say anything to anyone; ( no excuses) I just stopped attending meetings, service, social appointments. I took the first move, and they get the hint.. There is no need to answer any questions, and if the Elders try to say that you have to attend a meeting ( Judicial or otherwise) that they have called on your behalf, you just do not attend. If they call at your door , you politely say it is a bad time--"goodbye" ( close door). The answer is that you do DO NOT acknowledge their play for power over you. They can only cause us harm and distress if we Empower them to do so. ( THEY really do think that they are representatives of God!!!) Think of it as taking out their batteries , as in one of those annoying child talkiing toys that just will not "shut up" and is triggered by your just walking passed it.... so you disable it by taking out the battery.

You are fortunate that you have a spouse who understands, and children, which in this instance will be a welcome distraction. As for the "parents" and extended family, you can tell them the honest truth " I do not believe this anymore" . End of story. I always maintained a " high road" attitude with my JW family, and would not let them harrass me or get me down. I was always polite, firm and consistant in my resolve to be free of that religion and the teachings I was raised with. I eventually won, because they all fell away also. The others will not accept any explanation, because we know how they are taught to respond. There is no reasoning with them.

This is all very hard to work through, and is a bumpy road. In my experiences, many good "worldly" friends helped me work through this, along with a good therapist. When our entire support network of friends is all JW, it makes it that much harder, unless you have a circle of friends on the outside. Good luck, my thoughts are with you on this one ( all positive thoughts!!). And I am sure everyone in this forum will give you the needed encouragement and bravery to see this through.

regards

Frank

Sentinel

I truly understand where you are coming from and the dilema you face. I sincerely feel that it is very important for your emotional wellbeing that you maintain control over your life. Make your own decisions, and don't feel as if you owe anyone an explanation. You don't. If they are nice and ask what's up, then you can briefly say that you have grown spiritually and do not have that old belief system any longer. Don't hang your head, or feel ashamed. Don't give them that power over you.

Don't allow anyone to trash you to your face. If they deem to judge you or make hurtful remarks, dismiss them from your prescence, your home, or just ignore them on the street or in the stores. Don't buy into their mindset.

This takes a re-programming of sorts. It isn't easy. They still won't understand and they will make their judgements about your life, as if it is any business of anyone else. They mean well, but they are lost. Be brave. Keep smiling, and they will really wonder why or how you could be so happy. You are free now. Find joy and peace in all you do, and show love and compassion to those who do not understand.

calamityjane

Yes you can be df'd by blatantly displaying Halloween. But you really have no choice if that's the way your going. Being df'd or da'd is going to get you in the same place, jw's are going to label you and you will be eventually shunned.

Your in the same place as I was 8 years ago. I am the black sheep of my family, I'm the only one that left, along with my husband and kids. Eventually through the grapevine my parents and friends found out that we were celebrating holidays and when they see me in a store, they avoid me.

cj

Emma

I don't know how long you have to have been out before they won't take action, officially, but the results will probably be similar. If your parents are "righteous" you may be shunned anyway. It doesn't sound like that's an issue for you which is very healthy! Congratulations for making a better life for your kids and yourself!

Scully

Maybe your parents haven't read the recent Awake! article about pinatas.

In there it very plainly states that it doesn't matter what customs meant originally, but whether they are viewed as pagan in the local community now. It also says that it wouldn't be appropriate to go and make a big deal about some people engaging in these customs.

I'll find the article and see if I can post the exact wording.

Love, Scully

In a tight spot.......and unsure what to do!

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