Smyler wrote in response to the son's words:
"Because of your actions, I chose not to invite you, even to the ceremony. I want our day to be joyful, and your presence would rob us of that joy. I am not apologetic for this choice."
I just can't get over this paragraph..... The WT is such a Cult.
The jws cannot apologize for their shunning because they are doing what they are told to do. It is part of their requirement to be a cult member. Shun. To show any feeling or weakness would betray a lack of ?spiritual strengthTM? on their part. Human-ness is not allowed to enter into the equation.
sns wrote re son's comment:
"Finally, you should know I am happier, more content, and more blessed in my life now than I have ever been," he wrote.
That point kills me. He is telling his mother by the choices she has made, he is cutting himself off from her life and then shortly afterward writes the above?? Like a knife in the gut. You are out of my life and I am happier, more content than I have ever been. That so sucks.
I see it as a case of him trying to convince himself of his own happiness. ?See, God is blessing me because I?m obedient!? I'm not buying. I was a j-dub and I was unhappy. So I know that being a good j-dub does not ensure personal happiness or fulfillment. Nor does marrying a servant-woman bring happiness. He itemizes a checklist of her qualifications ?and throws ?beauty? in the middle of his list. Too funny. Too humiliating? Scary how he describes his new future wife -- intelligent, spiritual, mild, beautiful, industrious, --- like he has a checklist that she had to fit into. GAWD!!! What have I taught him!!!
Dimples wrote:
Thanks for the post. I know that must have been difficult to write. It is so horrible how they just tear families apart, of course they would deny that. His letter to his Mom was so harsh, cold and cruel. Your letter was so calm, warm and touching. I feel for you. I have two children and they mean the world to me. I can't imagine not having them in my life.
That he is happier because he has cut me off? Yes, well, he has to convince himself first that he is happier. Perhaps he really believes he is happier without me in his life. He has to convince himself that he has been blessedTM ?
I'm a bit concerned how that will impact his relationship with his new wife, feeling that he must cut a natural part of his loving self off from expressing itself. I figure that is bound to affect his marriage. Will he be wondering why something is missing in his marriage, then blame his new wife for not "fulfilling" him as a husband? The hole is in him, yet it is up to his wife to fill the hole?? It's what I've been trying to tell him in my letter, that No other person can fulfill his life, he can only fill his own void... and not with another person... Unfortunately, that is not what his religion teaches...so he would not accept it as having any validity. And he will continue to blame his new wife who has been trained to bend over backward to try and please an unpleasable situation.
Scully wrote:
I'm sure I've read a letter almost the same as, if not identical to, this one. It makes me wonder if there is a form letter like this out there for JWs to write to their DFd or DAd relatives.
Seems to me the official policy of the j-dubs is one of passive aggression. I'm sure there isn't an "official letter" ... because the official stand of the WT is to shun and not communicate with df'd ones. What the common thread is with each j-dub is their rigidity toward the df'd relative...their stone coldness and unresponsiveness. They are expected to react a certain way to their disfellowshipped relative, so they "act" the part. There is a part of me that wonders if they are "acting" to impress their elders. With sons, especially ... I think they may be trying to win points so that they may be "rewarded" with theocratic "privileges", etc. Maybe some of our "bruthers" on JWD might be able to enlarge on that dynamic a bit more.
Panda wrote:
ESTEE, what a sad miserable little man this "Son" has become. Imagine when the realities of marriage hit him. Not inviting a parent to the wedding is that little bit of power "Son" feels he has. Make no mistake this is not about loyalty, it is about the little man's power to hurt his mother. Control control control. Even the way he talks about the future "Mrs.Son" , shows how her pliable nature is important ... well most women out grow the subservient role and *bam* Son will have a wake up call.
Power! Yes! I see it as a power play, too. He wants to hurt me because I left the religion, so ? by not inviting me to the wedding, he figures it will hurt me baaaad. Maybe baaaaaad enough to bring me to my senses so that I will come crying back to the loving fold of Jegoober?s borganization!!!
ESTEE your son has hurt you, and you still love him. I doubt he understands where that love comes from. It's almost like the "sons" of shunned Mom's view mother love as second class. Foolish, heartless dubs.
Wow, what a powerful point you make, Panda! Thanks! Yes, the son that despises the sacredness of his mother's love! What karmic implications might that have down the road!!!
stillajwexelder wrote:
I would gladly put a bullet through my own head before I treated my mother like that -- fortunately she and my father never studied and are do not calls -- she slamed the door in the faces of the witnesses when they last called -- she loved me unconditionally when I became a witness and told me I was making a mistake -- and now I am having doubts and on the slow fade she still loves me -- and never once says -- I told you so.
I'm glad your mom is loving with you, even though the love gets tested with time. Seems like a mom's love stands the tests of time, though... Maybe that is what being a mom is all about ... it is a test of being able to love unconditionally. The Karmic life lesson.
I do not shun my children. For me to use the word would be giving energy and recognition for a behavior that I do not have to recognize. I acknowledge and love my children. Even with them at a distance, I feel a connection and love for them. They are in my dreams and in my heart. I respect their choices to avoid me because I respect my children. They are adult and I decided that the choices they make are adult --- and their own. I trust that they are their own choices and not the choices of the cult. Even though the cult rules are a factor, I still believe that my children are free moral agents and are choosing -- based on their own knowledge and decision.
I recognize that they do not understand my reaction to them. They may wonder why I am not bitter and why I am not angry. Perhaps they also expect that! Bottom line is that I am behaving how I choose to behave toward them. I am not following a cult?s rules in living my life where they are concerned. My love for them is free and open, unhindered, unencumbered by man-made rules and contradictions and complications. I believe that unconditional love transcends their conditional love.
My friends know my feelings. My partner knows my feelings. I have nothing to hide. I do not have to suppress my true self from my friends.
Sometimes I feel sad, and I allow myself to express my grief. My partner understands it and accepts my grief ...and supports me. I love him for that. My friends are understanding and supportive as well. You are my friends here in the cyberworld of JWD. As well, I have personal friends in my real world. I love you all!!!
And my life goes on. I live my dreams and my passions. My life is rich and full. When I miss my kids, I visit them in my dreams or in my subconscious or in my visualizations. I journal about them. I write on JWD about my experiences and my feelings. It feels healthy.
And I remember that I taught them what they know. That means that they also have the tools to leave, as I have left! I trust that they will leave -- when their time is right, and when they have reached a place of growth and enlightenment in their lives for them to feel safe to do so. I did! So they can as well!!!
I bless them and release them to their spiritual path!!! God Speed!!!
ESTEE
