You see, about 6 years ago my wife and I started "relying" on the elders in our previous congregation in , IN. to help us with our marriage.
JWs seem to think that elders are higher than mere men and understand the dynamics of a marriage merely by virtue of their appointment as elders. I believe it is a mistake to look to elders for help with the problems of a marriage. The elders are mere men who view a woman's emotionalism as ummmm ... "emotionalism" ... A woman's "mood swings"... "hormones" ... and her emotions and feelings never get validated or acknowledged ... only circumvented, only blamed. Not healthy. What starts out as a small problem escalates very quickly.
You see, my wife had depression; ...I am not so sure it is depression, it is more like a way to get her way; a tool as it were, to have a controling way to get things the way she wants them.
If your wife is depressed, then she is depressed. Depression is actually anger directed inward, in case you did not know that. Your wife is angry about something. Her feelings of anger are valid ... just not validated by you. What is not fair or reasonable is that she is directing the anger at herself. She feels a loss of control over her life -- and not surprising -- with her husband's non-understanding and the elders' intrusion into the intimacies of the marriage. Get her some professional help, would be my advice to you. Your wife needs to know that it is socially okay to express her anger in a healthy way. Your wife needs to feel supported and loved. She needs to deal with her frustrations ... as you need to deal with yours ...
Right now she is not feeling loved and supported ... is my sense of the situation.
I hear you saying that she is using her depression as a way to control how things get done. I think she simply does not know how to gain control of her life. She feels a loss of control because of the elders' intrusion/invasion into the marriage. I'm sure she thought it would help, to invite the elders help. It did not work out that way, however.
Remember that the elders are not qualified marriage therapists. They would not know how to approach the marriage problems.
My advice to you would be first of all, do not involve the elders in your marriage situation any longer. Your wife would see them as men arriving to gang up on her, and take sides against her. She would not see it as helpful, even though she was told it would help -- at first. Her sense is that they know nothing about her or her feelings. The elders do not validate or acknowledge her feelings. The elders are a threat to her safety and security. Her feelings of being intruded on are valid. The elders arriving on the scene would do more harm than good, from a therapeutic standpoint. She probably does not know how to admit it was a mistake to invite the elders to help out with the marriage. She is still trying to be a good j-dub.
She is a very demanding (emotionally) person. She needs constant "me" and I don't think that is healthy: spiritually, or physically.
I'm not sure that your wife is emotionally demanding. She does need her feelings acknowledged and validated. Possibly she just has not had that happen yet. Your wife needs professional help. Right now your marriage is being intruded upon by boorish, unqualified men who have no understanding of a woman's emotional makeup. They only think they know. The reality is just because they are elders, does not mean they understand a woman's emotional makeup. The elders intruding into the situation are complicating your marriage problems very quickly, in my opinion.
I think you do need a break from your wife and from the problems that have resulted from inviting the elders into the marriage dynamics. I think it would be a good idea if you got some therapy for yourself first ... from a professional therapist. At some point, your therapist will invite your wife for therapy as well. You might both require separate therapy, then also therapy for your partnership ... if you decide you still want the marriage.
Right now, confusion reigns for you and your wife -- in your marriage -- because the elders have intruded where they have no right and no qualifications to do so.
Whatever you think of the elders, just remember that they are first of all human ... They have issues around relationships just like anyone else. They are not immune to problems. Also they are not professionally trained by any definition. Their well-intentioned help is actually perceived as interference and will ultimately result in more harm than good. Especially if your wife has issues with men.
I know that j-dubs have been trained to believe that elders are apointed by Holy spirit and know everything and have all the answers to all the problems. The reality is that elders are merely human. We buy into the stories because we want to believe in something. The reality is quite a lot more complicated than mere men have answers for. Elders are mere men....bottom line. They are not professionals. They take sides, they are human with all their human flaws and issues...
Give up the dream that they are professionals...because they are not.
Get some professional help for yourself -- and your wife.
ESTEE