Annual breast exam conducted by Hooters.
Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left when you enter the trailer park."
Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
Only item listed under Preventative Care coverage is "an apple a day."
Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
"Patient reponsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typo.
The only expense covered 100% is embalming.
With your last HMO, your Prozac didn't come in different colors with little "m"s on them.
You ask for Viagra, you get a popsicle stick and duct tape.