Fading -- does it ever end?

by paterfamilias 16 Replies latest watchtower bible

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  Stacy Smith

  As long as you have family in I can't imagine that the fading will ever end. Have you guys thought about how they will treat you if you DA?
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  drwtsn32

  But while we haven't been to any weekly meetings, at the same time we've managed to not say anything as to why. Everyone is completely in the dark as to our reasons, and we intend to keep it that way as long as we can.

  You guys sound exactly like me and my wife. We stopped going cold turkey and didn't tell anyone anything. At least not at the start. After several months we did let our guard down a teeny bit and let my parents know a little about why we were no longer going to meetings. But it's not enough for anyone to "convict" us. My wife's father was on a mission to get us DF'd or DA'd....but he stopped after our cong elder told him that they have nothing to go on.

  I will probably have to do this indefinitely as long as I want to keep some sort of contact with my family. We won't tell them everything, and we won't ever act angry towards the WTS. It sucks not being able to be completely open, but it wouldn't do any good to spill everything either (IMO). They would just become afraid of us and limit or eliminate contact entirely.

  Sorry I don't have anything more to share... we're basicaly in the same place. We stopped going in September 2002 and haven't done anything since. Not the DC...not even the memorial.

  It was nice meeting you two at Craig and Kate's place, btw!
• 

  paterfamilias

  Thanks, all, for your comments and experiences. This is a topic that I think about daily, and I've had a range of emotions come over me as I think through the possible scenarios.

  So it all depends on your prior relationship. Fading sometimes brings into the open the real foundation of the "love" your family has for you. "We love you only if you act the way we want you to" type of love...conditioinal. It may not have been apparent when you were meeting their expectations but now that you aren't...

  Blondie, I'm not as worried about my parents cutting me off or curtailing their contact with me. I'm more concerned about the effect that it would have on them. Their belief system dictates that people such as myself have no hope -- we're the walking dead, as it were. I have four siblings, and out of us five, ony two have stayed "in the truth." I know how my parents feel about the ones that never got baptized. As hard as it is for them to accept it, they essentially feel that they are doomed. Thus, they try time and again to rekindle their interest.

  That being said, if my wife and I were found out, I think that my parents would still associate with us on some level. But my wife's parents on the other hand... I fear the worst on that front. Her parents are fully indoctrinated in this religion, and there would be absolutely no reasoning with them.

  But from my past experiences they will never just let go. People have stayed away for years and just come back! Some JW's will hope that in time some terrible thing will happen in your life and you will come running back to their waiting arms!

  Maverick, I agree with you completely. They can never just let go. They want to see you live forever with them, which is why they're so desperate to get you to see the error of your ways. And the thought about JWs hoping that some "event" will occur in your life to turn you around -- you know they'd think that it's nothing less than divine intervention.

  I do know that we treated her [your aunt] very differently than we did my other aunt who was df'd. Those titles mean a lot to those brainwashed dubbies so if I were you I would just refuse to discuss the subject with them at all and eventually they may realize you arent going back but wont shun you because they dont technically have to.

  Flower, I think this is a key point. If you can come to terms with your family without officially stepping outside the organization, you at least have a chance that they'll continue to associate with you because they're not required to shun inactive ones. They'll know where you stand, but because they don't want to lose contact with you, they won't pursue it in a committee-like fashion. I've thought about this many times, and it seems to me it's like calling a bluff. Not that my parents are directly threating me -- they're not -- it's the legalistic organization they're apart of. I sometimes think that I could call that bluff that the cult wants you to believe in -- that if you ever truly leave, you're going to pay dearly for it. I resent this threat intensely, and I'm determined to not let it happen.

  Did you and your husband come to the same conclusions about the J.W. religion at the same time. Did either one of you sort of leave first. If so, how did you get your mate to listen to you about the J.W.'s.

  Special K, we're very lucky to have come to these conclusions at roughly the same time. We stopped attending meetings together, though at the time it wasn't with the thought that we were never coming back! Like I said, I thought we were just going through another period of irregularity. After 2-3 months, though, I decided to start reading material about JWs on the Internet. I quickly found Freeminds, and then this board. I did a lot of reading, and after a few weeks I got a copy of Crisis of Conscience from the local library. I also got Steven Hassan's book Releasing the Bonds, which focuses on cults and exit counseling. I read CoC in secret, but Odrade knew about the Hassan book. She did't mind my reading that book. But I just wasn't sure how she'd react to CoC. But when the time seemed right, I started dropping hints. I brought up some of the points from the book, but I didn't say where I was getting the information from. Based on her reactions, I finally felt that it was okay to divulge the source. She then read the book, and it was at this point that we both resolved that we'd never go back.

  It may help to be a bit more "in their face" about it, BUT in a nice way.
  Openly recommend college to the kids. Highly recommend saving and investing in an IRA.
  Make jokes about Circuit Overseers.

  LOL, metatron! But alas, I'm the father of none. My moniker on this board is a deliberate obfuscation. You never know who might be out there lurking.

  One conversation, the elder introduced himself (I've never heard of this fella), and then asked me, "Do you still want to be a Jehovah's Witness?"
  I knew about their 2-witness rule, and asked him, "Do you have someone else on the line?"
  He said, "Well, no... but there is another elder listening in."
  Or somesuch nonsense... so I said, "That's what I thought. Have a good day." and hung up.
  I'm not sure right now if they used that to 'DF' me or what, but they haven't bothered to phone since.
  *He sez peering through the blinds - looking outside*

  Jim, I know the feeling. I literally peer through the blinds myself sometimes on Saturday mornings. The JWs work the territory we live in quite regularly, and they've stopped by unannounced (do they know any other way?) several times. But I know that the true encounter to be wary of is, as you said, the shepherding call. When two brothers show up to ask the question, I'll know exactly what their true agenda is.

  Both of us know full well that if I talked to those relatives, I'd shoot the Watchtower down in flames and they'd be horrified. Probably still wouldn't change, though, as the life investment is now too high.

  Alan, I would very much like to share what I've learned with my family. Perhaps I'm deluding myself, but I keep thinking that if came up with just the right way to approach it, they'd listen. And once I got them to accept one point, then that would be a building block for another, and so on... But that first conversation -- I can't bring myself to do it. I know that the minute I open my mouth, they'll have a grave decision to make. They've no doubt been wondering if this is how I feel, and then they'll finally have confirmation. Then the question will be what are they going to do about it?

  I will probably have to do this indefinitely as long as I want to keep some sort of contact with my family. We won't tell them everything, and we won't ever act angry towards the WTS. It sucks not being able to be completely open, but it wouldn't do any good to spill everything either (IMO). They would just become afraid of us and limit or eliminate contact entirely.

  Drwtson32, thanks for sharing your experience. You started fading just a couple of months before we did. Did you think of it as "fading" at the time, or did that come later? Going cold turkey like we did makes it harder, I think. To the JWs it must seem as though we've fallen off of a cliff. And then to not be able to explain the true reasons why -- I share your frustration. It was nice meeting the two of you as well. I think the next major meet-up is going to be around Thanksgiving. I hope you can make it.

  -Paterfamilias
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  drwtsn32

  Did you think of it as "fading" at the time, or did that come later?

  No...I didn't really think of it that way. I didn't know about the "art of fading" until later. When someone simply turns off a light in a room, it's not much of a fade.

  What we did know was that not telling the dubs anything would be the safest route.

  Going cold turkey like we did makes it harder, I think. To the JWs it must seem as though we've fallen off of a cliff. And then to not be able to explain the true reasons why -- I share your frustration.

  Yes, I desperately wanted to share my reasons with my family. I thought they would surely understand! Afterall, it's so clear to me now! But rational thought sets in and I realize that won't happen. I have loosened up a bit and have told my parents a few things about why we aren't going to meetings, but certainly not the whole story.

  It was nice meeting the two of you as well. I think the next major meet-up is going to be around Thanksgiving. I hope you can make it.

  It depends on what weekend it's on....we will try to make it if possible.
• 

  FallGirl

  I'm fading, have been for some months now. My delimma is that I am single. So it takes on a completely different direction. Although I family who are are quite persistent, they realize how headstrong I am and have calmed down a bit. My not going to convention this year was a major blow to them and let them know how serious I am about it..

  I've had a few drop ins, and several calls. During a visit to say goodbye to a CO I actually really liked, Bro. Self-righteous Elder asked me out in service when I went back. Talk about impetus to stay away from the meetings!

  Before they just felt me disgruntled or weak. But now, they know that I have a boyfriend. (I told my family, and during our first date we were on the news!!! LOL...karmaic retribution????) My assumption is that soon the elders will be calling to verify that I'm doing things in a "christian" manner. Am I right? I don't want to be upfront and be branded an "apostate" because I really don't know if I am. If being an apostate means not agreeing agree with everything, I guess I am. Or if it's choosing to love someone who isn't a witness than I guess I am.

  Sorry to ramble, but this week has been a toughy with various calls, emails and blantant questions.

  Thanks for the board,

  F.G.
• 

  jaredg

  so are you single or do you have a boyfriend? having a close person to talk to during a time like you are going through is priceless!!
• 

  FallGirl

  Yes, I do have an awesome boyfriend.

  I work at not incorporating my personal struggle into our relationship, but understand that since it's part of me he has to know a little about it. Fortunately he's very supportive, and wasn't raised in a very religious family. Thank God for that!