Watchtower(C) Society of Pensylvannia, Inc. Don't f*ck with us.
Dear Brothers and Brotherettes,
Recently, we have heard from some of our Brothers who aren't in such good standing that ya'll have been saying some pretty nasty things about us on your little Web-pagelet. We, the geriatrics with our thumbs on the button, feel that this is an absolutely inexcusable state of affairs. We really can't have a bunch of Apostates rambling about stuff on their websites, with no censoring in place. Why, that would go directly against the Spirit of Jehovah, as embodied by 8 octogenarian men in Brooklyn!
For starters, let's examine some of the more violent infractions inflicted upon our precious Corporate Image(TM):
1. Comparing certain members of the Governing Body to reptiles. We honestly don't know where you guys get this stuff from. I mean, crocodiles? We don't even remotely resemble crocodiles. As for "crocodile tears", well, why should we cry? We never cry. We only sneer.
2. Saying that we made false prophecies. It looks to us like some of you guys may have skipped a few meetings or something, God forbid. Why would you go saying stuff like that? When we mentioned that we were "clarifying" the whole 1914-generation thing, we weren't changing our prophecy, we were merely optimizing it in lieu of certain, uh, developments! Developments that would've spelled the end of our validity as God's channel! Duh!
3. Various accusations concerning our amazingly strong child abuse policies. What's up with that? Ever since you guys have started making these accusations, occasionally even working in groups, we've had to inform the Congregations that they really should report molesters if the law says they should. Other than that, we think it's perfectly acceptable to continue applying the Two-Witness law in abuse cases. This is what Jehovah wants, not us, honest! Really!
As much as we would like to sit down from you guys over a cup of coffee and explain why we voted people to death and other cool stuff like that, we really can't. You see, we're exclusive. Nobody speaks to us, especially not the media or ordinary people. That thing where the Dateline reporter barged into Jaracz' face, well, that was a sad incident that won't be repeated. You'll notice that we don't allow any media into our Conventions anymore, for exactly this reason. Who do you think we are, people? We're not just normal guys that you can sort of have a chat with. We're demigods. So let's get that straight, Brothers and Sisters. Your requests for a direct meeting with the Governing Body will never, ever be answered. They don't call them Ivory Towers for nothing, you know. Hey, it's OK, you can't talk to President Bush or Tony Blair either, so we figure you guys've gotten used to that sort of thing by now. You're not supposed to approach the seat of power, dummies! So get your asses back into the Ministry and sell our sh*t!
Oh, and another thing. We've been told that the Apostates are getting mad because we fly around in a private plane to fishing lodges every once in a while. Now, personally, we don't see anything wrong with getting around in such a lavish manner. Did you really think the Governing Body flies coach? No, of course we don't. We're your rulers, idiots, and we'll do exactly what we want. Remember, in any organization or "ocracy" of any sort, the people in power are those who you're not allowed to question. Works for democracy and theocracy, too. And we're really a dictatorship of 8, but don't let that fool ya. We're really speaking up for God, who is too weak/invalid/not there to do it himself, whichever theory floats your boat. As a certain very wise man once said, "When God is silent, men can make him say whatever they want," and that's just what y'all are gonna have to learn to accept. Accept that we are the Channel, and there will be no arguments, only voting. Not by you losers, of course. Voting to elect the representatives of Jehovah is only done by the select few at Bethel who always get Bentleys and Lexii from the car-pool. Our plane has lavish leather seats, as befits the Channel of Jehovah's Word. Did you really think Jehovah would fly Coach? Technically, we are Jehovah. There's simply no useful distinction between us and God, when it comes to the Watchtower. We're one and the same, really. We only pretend that we're not to keep the donations coming, but then, wouldn't you do the same? If you were the chief of a Corporation in absolute control of the lives of 6 million people, would you fly Coach? Didn't think so!
Anyway, it's really hard being the Channel of Jehovah. For starters, we have a lot of trouble with Worldly people who think that they're also the Channel of God/Jehovah. They're wrong, and we're right. We know that they'll say exactly the same thing, but all false religions are like that. That's exactly how you can tell if a religion is false, by seeing if they believe that they're the only path to righteousness, to use a nifty Tower catchphrase. Isn't it obvious that we're the Channel of God? I mean, I bet your average Islamic Mullah doesn't fly around in a private plane with gorgeous leather seats. Just follow the money, sweethearts, and you will see where the Channel of God truly lies! It doesn't get any better than this!
In summary, if you're gonna go gettin' all twisted up about a little private planing around in the sky by your Commanders in Chief, damn, we have nothing more to say to you. That plane only cost what, a few million? Or something? Not that we care. As long as there's still a few zeroes on our bank statements, we don't give a hoot. Just keep up them there donations, now! Otherwise we might have to begin selling those magazines and books to y'all, instead of asking for compulsory donations...wouldn't that be horrid?
Now, about those fishing trips. Every once in a while, Jaracz starts getting this terrible craving to go Bass fishing in Alaska. You should see his lush, private office at Bethel - there's lures all over the walls, those real colourful ones that make your eyeballs burst if you get too close to 'em. He even sometimes wears this hat filled with trout fishing flies on little hooks. It's dandy, but then, Jaracz is just the most dandy guy you could ever wish to meet, ain't he? What's wrong with a Governing Body Member having an all-expenses-paid-by-those-stupid-Publishers fishing trip every few months? Nothing!
In fact, it's quite stress-relieving, to be honest. While we're floating around in our little boat on the lakes and rivers, we can really get to talking about what new stuff we should do with the Society. God's Channel from Heaven seems to function very well while the Body is fishing, for some bizarre reason. Maybe our fishing poles are more efficient conductors of Divine Energy. It's a mystery, really. So you see, the more we fish, the better the Channel operates. Whether that's good or bad for the Publishers is debatable, because occasionally the Channel tells us to vote people to death/virtual death, but for us Members, it's all good! Take it from me!
Anyhoo, we just felt like we should clear the air over this little issue. We hope y'all feel better now! So get your asses back into that there Ministry, and we'll see about re-instating you guys! Wouldn't that be grand!
Warmest "Christian" Regards,
Your Brothers in the Governing Body.
