British Response to the Declaration of Independence

by DakotaRed 6 Replies latest social humour

  • DakotaRed
    DakotaRed

    King George the Third's response to the Declaration of Independence

    The Court of King George III London, England

    July 10, 1776

    Mr. Thomas Jefferson
    c/o The Continental Congress Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

    Dear Mr. Jefferson,

    We have read your "Declaration of Independence" with great interest. Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of your statements do merit serious consideration. Unfortunately, the Declaration as a whole fails to meet recently adopted specifications for proposals to the Crown, so we must return the document to you for further refinement. The questions which follow might assist you in your process of revision:

    1. In your opening paragraph you use the phrase the "Laws of Nature and Nature's God." What are these laws? In what way are they the criteria on which you base your central arguments? Please document with citations from the recent literature.

    2. In the same paragraph you refer to the "opinions of mankind." Whose polling data are you using? Without specific evidence, it seems to us the "opinions of mankind" are a matter of opinion.

    3. You hold truths to be "self-evident" . Could you please elaborate. If they are as evident as you claim then it should not be difficult for you to locate the appropriate supporting statistics.

    4. "Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" seem to be the goals of your proposal. These are not measurable goals. If you were to say that among these is the ability to sustain an average life expectancy in six of the 13 colonies of at last 55 years, and to enable newspapers in the colonies to print news without outside interference, and to raise the average income of the colonists by 10 percent in the next 10 years, these could be measurable goals. Please clarify.

    5. You state that "Whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new Government...." Have you weighed this assertion against all the alternatives? What are the trade-off considerations?

    6. Your description of the existing situation is quite extensive. Such a long list of grievances should precede the statement of goals, not follow it. Your problem statement needs improvement.

    7. Your strategy for achieving your goal is not developed at all. You state that the colonies ought to be Free and Independent States, and that they are "Absolved from All Allegiance to the British Crown." Who or what must change to achieve this objective? In what way must they change? What specific steps will you take to overcome the resistance? How long will it take? We have found that a little foresight in these areas helps to prevent careless errors later on. How cost-effective are your strategies?

    8. Who among the list of signatories will be responsible for implementing your strategy? Who conceived it? Who provided the theoretical research? Who will constitute the advisory committee? Please submit an organization chart and vitas of the principal investigators.

    9. You must include an evaluation design. We have been requiring this since Queen Anne's War.

    10. What impact will your problem have? .Your failure to include any assessment of this inspires little confidence in the long-range prospects of your undertaking.

    11. Please submit a PERT diagram, an activity chart, itemized budget, and manpower utilization matrix.

    We hope that these comments prove useful in revising your "Declaration of Independence." We welcome the submission of your revised proposal. Our due date for unsolicited proposals is July 31, 1776. Ten copies with original signatures will be required.

    Sincerely,
    Management Analyst to the British Crown

  • Stacy Smith
    Stacy Smith

    That's hysterical Lew, I loved it.

  • Englishman
    Englishman

    Sorry, Dakota, but we've revoked you declaration of independance.

    NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

    To the citizens of the United States of America,

    In the light of your failure to speak the English language as it should be spoken and for driving on the wrong side of the road:

    Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories, except Utah, which she does not fancy.

    Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the
    97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the
    need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
    A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

    To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

    1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".

    2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.

    3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.

    4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.

    5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you
    to get confused and give up half way through.

    6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at
    least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

    7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys.
    8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive
    Day".

    9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what
    we mean.

    10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

    Thank you for your cooperation.

    Buckingham Palace,

  • DakotaRed
    DakotaRed

    Damn you, Eman. I was going to post that one next

    But, since you brought it up and have revoked our independence, we can now blame all the current mess on you Brits, right?

  • ashitaka
    ashitaka

    LOL....those are great.

    ash

  • stillajwexelder
    stillajwexelder

    I am literally rolling about on the floor laughing with these posts -- absolutely brilliant -- I loved Englishmans reply --but I would add -- since the dollar is already the worlds currency it should be kept -- the pound abolished (so no need for GB to go into the Euro) but of course the British I assume will insist that the Queens head must be on ALL dollar denominations -not just on the George (1$ bill) though we should keep the Abe (5$) as he abolished slavery

  • JeffT
    JeffT

    OK, I love my country but American beer should be outlawed or be requried to be re-labled "beer flavored water."

    For a few pints of Guiness I might be persuaded to accept your rules, although the football thing will have to wait until after the apple cup.

    For those that don't know, the "apple cup" is the cross state rivalry between the University of Washington Huskies and the Washington State Cougars. The Cougs have been on a roll lately and I look forward to eating some Dawg at the end of the season.

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