JW marriages: happy/unhappy

by starfish422 21 Replies latest jw experiences

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  starfish422

  I've been wondering how many JWs have gotten married too quickly, without knowing their prospective "mate" well enough, and have ended up really unhappy. It always seemed to me that a couple would be dating for, like, 6 or 9 months and get engaged, have a 9 month engagement and be married; often because they bought the "no sex before marriage" garbage. (I remember a circuit overseer once referring to couples who did that, as not being in love, but in heat. LOL) I know that's what happened to my brother and I'm sure he had quite a shock once his wife "had him" and let her true colours show to him and to/about our family.

  I'm sure that there *are* happy JW marriages out there; and certainly being unhappily married isn't the sole property of JWs. Just curious how many of my old "friends" married too soon and have regretted it. I still think about many of my old friends fondly, as wierd as that might seem, and I would hate for any of those ones to be unhappy.
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  Nosferatu

  I don't think it's really an issue of JWs marrying to early, as JWs having no dating experience. If the society allowed teens to date, there wouldn't be as many JWs getting married in their early 20s. I know of many JWs younger than me who have already been married for a few years. I have no clue if they're happy or not.
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  Mulan

  We were young dubs when we got married at 17 and 19. 41 years later, we are still here. It wasn't always perfect, but the only major rocky time we had was when my elder hubby started to read apostate literature. It made me go ballistic. A few years later, I capitulated, and bowed to my husband's superior wisdom.

  We are soul mates. Hard to imagine meeting your soulmate at such a young age but we did.
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  Dimples

  We are soul mates. Hard to imagine meeting your soulmate at such a young age but we did

  Good for you, Mulan.

  I too have found my soul mate. We met when I was 18 and he was 19. We married early, I was 20 and he was 21. I wasn't a jw at the time, that came later. He never became a jw but he stuck by me no matter what even though he didn't like me being a witness. Here we are all these years later happier as ever. Living in a divided household was very stressful! Since I disassociated myself in 1999 our family couldn't be closer. We are now united in every way.

  I know many jw's who married early and are now divorced, some are on their second marriages. I think some jump into marriage to have sex and then realize once the bills start to come in it just isn't fun playing house anymore.All because of the strict dating rules.

  Dimples
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  stillajwexelder

  The "no oral' rule obviously causes strains as documented by Ray Franz in CoC
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  Badger

  I agree with nos482...One of the problems with my marriage was that We had never had any experience in a serious relationship before. We didn't know how to act and the expectaion that a dating couple is all but engaged doesn't help.

  Plus, the ban on premarital sex also doesn't help matters any. While it does make it likely that your spouse will be the only person you've ever been with (which is, you must admit, kinda sweet), If you're both 20 and horny, you're in a mood to do anything for sex without much thought...such as promising to stay with a person you hardly know forever.
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  kyria

  I was married the milisecond I turned 18 to someone I met when I was 16. He was 7 years older than me. Normally, you'd say that a boy his age should have known better, but he had also been raised as a JW and was as crazy as I was. Neither of us had any dating experience and our "role models" for marriage both consisted of mothers who stayed with abusive husbands because the elders wouldn't let them leave.

  It's not that I didn't care for him then, but of course I have changed a million times over. After our first year of marriage I told him I no longer loved him. His response was "So? What are you going to do about it?" I had no job or car, and it's not like we could just up and divorce. So I stayed in this terribly unhappy marriage for almost five years.

  I remember talking to a good friend of the family (also physically abused by her husband), confiding in her that I was unhappy. She told me to stay with this guy because, quote, I would "never find anyone better". How terribly sad! These people's minds are so clouded, they don't even believe there's anything better out there.

  Finally, I had a horrible affair just to end the pain of living with this man I didn't love. Of course, he tried to "forgive" me when all I wanted was a divorce. Leaving it was hell. The night I left, he called my parents to physically come and stop me. As if relationships aren't hard enough, what kind of "normal" breakup involves your parents screaming at you in the driveway, telling you you're going to die at Armageddon and holding you down on the ground?

  The ex actually got in contact with me about a year ago. He told me that I ruined his life because he hasn't had sex since I left. Funny how he can't blame the cult, but has to blame me. In his twisted view, it's my fault for taking the sex away. The only thing I could think of to say was give him the name of a good therapist and encourage him to talk to someone about it.

  I think some of the marriages work out... provided that neither one of you ever changes, or, if you somehow manage to change together.

  The lack of freedom to date, plus the lack of preparation for the real world makes these marriages into two dumb kids playing house. Eventually reality sets in. Thankfully, we never had a baby!
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  Badger

  (((Kyria)))

  You're one of the lucky ones: You got out. One four separate occassions, sisters in our hall or nearby who were having "problems" with their husbands (to put it euphimistically, as the society is wont to do) would stay with my wife and me for a couple of days. The elders got onto us for "interfering", but I'm not closing my door to a sister (or brother, for that matter) in need. Only ONCE did one of the abused sisters get help from her family. Ironically enough, My wife left (not over abuse, but because of mental illness and "not being spiritual enough") and moved in with my parents, who supported her decision to leave.

  BTW...welcome to the board!
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  kyria

  Thanks Badger!!

  Funny you should mention that. When I finally I left, I just took off walking. I didn't have a car, so I just started walking in the general direction of the next state. That may sound far, but I lived in Rhode Island, so I actually made it to Massachusetts in about 2 hours. :)

  It was pouring rain when I knocked on the door of a male friend of mine. He wouldn't let me in because he said it would be "inappropriate", and he was under review by the elders himself for making out with a friend of mine! He actually offered to give me money to stay in a hotel. I tearfully declined and ended up calling someone "worldly" I knew from a poetry reading I'd been secretly attending. That was the day I realized that those evil worldly people sure seemed a lot more Christian and loving than the supposed Christians. I ended up living with this guy and his mother for a couple of months while I tried to get my head together. I was very lucky to be taken in.
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  mizpah

  Over the years, my wife and I observed that there were some very good marriages in the congregations that we attended....but these were always in the minority. Most couples seemed more resigned to the fate that they had. Some were miserable failures. This is probably no different than in other religious organizations. But Jehovah's Witnesses boast that they live in a "spiritual paradise" and the cite the happiness and contentment that they experience in "God's organization." But the truth is that the organization makes it difficult for Witness couples to have a "normal" and happy married life. The pressures of meetings, service and study bring tremendous strains on a marriage. It's a wonder that marriages survive at all.