Toxic Parents Toxic Religion (page 2)

So, yeah, it sure fits my parents. Most people never knew what was really going on at our house. We tried to present a good image so that Jehovah's name wouldn't be spoken of abusively. We were the facade on the Hollywood back lot that looked great from the front, but was just a frame held up by old boards on the back side. Most people still don't know what went on in our family and about the abuse, not just in our home, but in the homes of other JW relatives too. I bet some have a good idea that something was wrong after I disassociated. So now I am the black sheep, but the secret is protected due to a good strong shunning policy.

I'm going to a counselor. Every session has something to do with my parents and the JW religion. I am thinking this book may also be helpful in my recovery. I'm kind of at the stage that yes, I know that my parents and religion was toxic, but what do I do about it? How do I get past it, become better than my past, and move on. Would you recommend this book for that or is there a better book out there for that kind of healing?

Tammy

Lady Lee

Swan I highly recommend the book. Not only does it point out the issue that may be involved it has suggestions on how to deal with some of it.

It is out in paperback and hard cover and can often be found in libraries and second hand bookstores. Definitely get a copy. The paperback version should be well under $10 US

Swan

Thank you Lady Lee, I just ordered it on-line. There are so many books in this area, it is hard sometimes to know which one is right for you, and decisiveness is not my strong point. LOL!

Tammy

Big Tex

Fantastic thread. LL, I love the comparison between toxic parents and toxic religion. Many times they are synonymous. I can't help but feel that the Witnesses are a haven for dysfunctional parents in that they offer simple solutions to complex problems. And they offer the hope that "one day" everything will be better, as if by magic, and we will all live happily ever after. What more could a emotionally retarded person want? It requires no work on their part, they can continue treating their families badly and all they have to do is follow the carefully prescribed rituals to get what they want. Perfect prescription for dysfunction.

Wow Xandria, I echo Lady Lee's words. Awesome information. I particularly enjoyed your Rules. As a first kid, I love rules, it's so easy to relate to. I feel as if I'm doing pretty good in all areas, except for Rule #7 and Rule #9.

My anger is nowhere near what is once was, but occasionally it will get the better of me and when it does, I tend to explode outward. I need to learn to count to 20 so I can respond appropriately. I think it's a skill I, like many children from toxic homes, failed to deveop properly. Conversely the reverse is true as well. Many times I need to feel anger and I don't, I'll dissociate for a few seconds.

Rule #9 is such a tricky one isn't it? I think it takes someone who is really in touch with their stuff and able to differentiate between an abusive person or situation and when one is projecting. Personally, I'm doing better at recognizing when I need to look at the situation, as I tend to ignore signals.

It's really a lifetime journey isn't it? Our cross to bear, as it were. I don't really see the situation where one could say, okay that's it -- I'm 100% cured. It takes constant work and constant vigiligence, but the good news is every day, and every year, it gets smaller and smaller. So there is that.

Swan

This is good good book. I am learning a lot, but I am still in part 1. I haven't gotten into the part about Reclaiming Your Life, which is where I expect I will find some coping and healing techniques.

Lady Lee: I showed this book to my counselor the other day and we talked about my toxic parents. I mentioned during the conversation that I had toxic parents and a toxic religion. My counselor said, "That religion was more than toxic!" In other words, the word toxic is too tame to apply to JWs! LOL! My counselor has learned a lot about JWs through me.

Maybe Poisonous Religion, Noxious Religion, or Venemous Religion would be better terms. LOL!

Tammy

Swan

Page 93 of Toxic Parents speaks of Cruel Words used by Verbal Abusers. This just followed the chapter on Alcoholic parents. My mother's addiction wasn't alcohol, it was religion. Her father and mother were the alcoholics, although my grandmother was more of the co-dependant social drinker to Grandpa's fall down and pass out binges. Grandpa was a verbal abuser. He used to put my mom down a lot.

Page 93 describes my Grandpa. " ... verbal abusers have two distinct styles. There are those who attack directly, openly, viciously degrading their children." This is how he treated Mom, especially if she wouldn't let him have his own way. When he was really drunk and in trouble, he would change tactics and barrage her with slobbery fawning endearments alternating with subtle manipulation of her pity. "Oh, you're so good to me Lowey. You take such good care of me." and "I don't want to be a burden. Just put me in a home."

With us kids, he followed a different approach to being verbally abusive. Page 93 goes on to say, "Other verbal abusers are more indirect, assailing the child with a barrage of teasing, sarcasm, insulting nicknames, and subtle put-downs. These parents often hide their abuse behind a facade of humor."

Playing cards with Grandpa was a unforgettable experience. Nothing in life was more important to him than winning at cards, except for fishing, and of course, drinking. He taught all of us kids to play cards with him. He started with Crazy 8, and then advanced us to Rummy. When we got really good we learned to play a variation of Rummy called Russian Rummy played with two decks of cards.

Throughout the game he would smile and utter these little terms of endearment, "It's your turn, Knothead." "Crawl back into your tee-pee, you ol' Siwash!" "Lamebrain!" "Knucklehead!" "Dumkopf!" When we fouled up his plays by laying down a run or a set, or playing an 8, according to whatever the game was, he would yell, "Damn it all to Hell!" and "Son of Bitch!" and the ever popular "Bastard!" That seemed to be his particular favorite. (sorry moderators, but these are the actual words he used when playing cards with us kids.)

Did I mention that my Grandpa was JW in good standing?

We kids were always encouraged to play cards with Grandpa by Mom or my aunt. It kept him busy and out of their hair for a while, I suspect. Many of my family enjoyed beating him even though the tirades would go on longer that way. I kept getting headaches.

When I complained about not liking to play with Grandpa because of his yelling, I was told that I wasn't being a good sport. Just take it. Let it roll off your back. In one ear and out the other. Where's your sense of humor?

Eventually I decided it was no longer fun or in MY best interests to play cards with him any more. I quit. I was pressured to continue and to join in with the family. I kept saying "I don't want to." This wasn't a good enough reason. "Why?" they asked. "Because I don't like to." I would go off and read or watch TV.

Why did they all accept the abuse, but I said no? I don't know. I am also the only one in my family who stood up and said no to the JWs ruling the rest of my life. What made me so special? I don't know. Somewhere along the way I started bucking the family system. I started to rock the boat and threw the family dynamic out of kilter. I imagine that is why they are glad to have me gone; so they can forget about me while they are still being codependent victims.

Tammy

Lady Lee

BigTex

That Rule # 9 gets me too sometimes. Most of the time it is OK and I can see what is going on but if I get triggered to the past it is so much harder to work myself out of the feelings. But it does get better.

Swan

Looks like you have a smart counselor. You've taught her well.

I think it is terrible that the adults didn't want to deal with Grandpa but tried to stick the kids with him. What kind of sense is that? It certainly doesn't protect the children from his abusiveness.

As much as we want to say that an drunk person doesn't know what they are doing it sounds like Grandpa knew exactly how to manipulate people. And who to use what with. Maybe he wasn't as out of control as the adults thought.

As for why the adults allowed it? I think some people get really desensitized after a while - numb. It hurt before and the only way they had to deal with it was to turn off their feelings. After a while you don't hear it or feel it.

Sounds to me you never allowed yourself to get to that point of numbness and tolerance. This is a good thing because it helped you out of that situation and eventually out of the borg.

And no they don't like people who speak the real truth. Keep speaking your truth Tammy

blondie

Lady Lee, when I first started reading this book I saw my family situation as being apart from my religious affiliation. I worked hard to cut the toxic ties with my abusive family, first my father, then my one brother and his family, and finally my mother. I learned how to speak for myself and be understood. Dealing with my toxic family opened the way for me to see how the people at the KH were treating me and my husband the same way. The WTS says the people at the KH are our "family" so it would not be surprising that what is toxic in a fleshly family will be so in a "spiritual" family.

I recognized my potential problem with rule #9. I talked to my husband about it and said that I would try not to paint him with the same brush as my father. My husband is such a kind man so different from my father, and understanding too after having spent time around my father and mother and brother. I just try to step back and get the larger picture.

I no longer feel guilty not being around my family. It is recognizing that the water and its source are poisoned and it is time to find a new well.

Blondie

Toxic Parents Toxic Religion

Share this