I had resentment towards him for the abuse my siblins and I recieved from him growing up. Even though we were on civil terms when he died, I still had and have alot of anger towards him. I am so fustrated that I am approaching the 7th anniversary of his suicide and I still suffer like I do.
First of all, Tink ((HUGS)). I think my sisters and I can really relate to that feeling. I have been doing some soul searching myself. One part of you loves the person and another part is angry for the emotional abandonment, abuse,etc. . That is what you were dealing with~ an abandonment issue. Then to compound it, was the suicide death of your father. You feel bad and guilty that you did not take the opportunity to resolve many things~ but you have to ask yourself would he have been receptive ? Listened or was he dealing with his own personal demons ? I know you feel what could you have done to save him. Please realize...You were not responsible for his actions. But, there is a side of you that will always ask, "What if ?"
My sisters, little brother and I were dealing with so much during my mom's illness and before that it has left a gaping wound. Some of it has scarred and some of it is still bleeding.
The abuses we suffered left us unable to communicate our feelings, thoughts and emotions. We feared to do so due to the conditioning of the abuses we suffered.
There was so much anger there from certain events and things that there was an empass. The emotions were too raw. Then there is the guilt of treating the person ( in our case our mother) with anger because of all this pain~and this person was suffering too ( not from what she did to us, but from an illness). The whole situation did not give us the closer we needed so badly. TO know we were loved, to understand why our parent(s) allowed all this pain, to set us free from the pain we felt too.
Unfortunately, it still haunts us. But, we are finding ways to deal with it. By discussing it openly and honestly~ let the feeling flow out of us instead of festering. Writing~ this past anniversary of her death Sept. 1st. I wrote out all the feelings, the anger, the hurt, the bewilderment, once I had all that written out~ I burnt the pages and sent the (cooled) ashes out into the wind, in a way it set me free. I felt that peace and love I yearned for when I was a child~ as the tears ran down my face and the soft wind whistled around me.. the peaceful feeling from listening to that wind blowing through the trees and carrying off the ashes. Gave me what I needed most~ a little peace.
By discussing it (instead of bottling it up) it helps you grieve, find peace and acceptance about it, and finally peace with the past. Recognize it happened~ acknowledge the pain. But realize you cannot change the past, but you can have some impact on the future.
X.
