Stripping away layers of guilt-Couldn't have done it without JWD

by pamkw 7 Replies latest jw friends

  • pamkw

    I come here a lot, read always and post sometimes. What I have learned from this board would take to long to write. So this is a thank you to Simon and everyone else.

    When I first stopped going to meetings I still thought like a jw. My mom could lay on the guilt, and it would stick like glue. I was so sure I was killing my children and I can married a non-believer. (we had actually been living together, but I told everyone we were married), and I was paralized by guilt. Then I got the internet. Then I waited a year to look up anything about jws or exjws. That was when I learned about the generation change, and the first BIG layer of guilt peeled right off me. I felt like my life was starting over. I was a good parent, and I was not killing my children. I was never going back. But I didn't know what to do.

    I felt that I had to serve God so I jumped right into a church. The infactuation lasted for a couple of years. I went from being a jw,to being a fundy born again Christian. Not a lot of difference, just not as much guilt. At least not at first. This a new church and the pastor at first was very careful what he said not to offend anyone. Now after 4 years, he is telling people to tithe, and to do ministry. Always pushing doing something, even if you don't want to. At least to his credit, he promotes helping the community. But then the church started talking a little end time and hell stuff. Wait a minute.

    During this time that I was reading so called christian books and doing lots of Bible reading I found this place.And started reading and reading. And using the search feature.

    I have always wondered about where the Bible came from, how true it really is, the history of early man (watched walking with cavemen, and really enjoyed it). So I started searching what some of the smarter people here knew about such things. I have two computers, andon both I have saved many of the websites that are quoted here. In fact on the laptop the list of favs has gotten very long. My son even put them all in a special folder called Mom's stuff. The guilt I felt about having questions started to go away. I realized questions are okay.

    Recently I stopped going to the church because I on longer feel the need. Maybe there is a creator, but I don't think he or she is the one talked about in the Bible. For the last few days I have been finally reading some of the websites on my saved list. And I have felt like a new person. I can choose to believe are not believe. And I have this list to thank. Last night I was reading about how historical research does not support the stories in the Bible. I felt like maybe I had known that all along. I got so carried away reading that it was 2 am before I even looked at the clock.

    The guilt that I had been carrying because I had decided I didn't want to go to church or even be Christian anymore melted away. I don't have to feel guilty, or worry about what some unknown being thinks of me. Lately I have been feeling like a whole new person. And I love reading anything I want.

    I could not have done it without all of you. I feel like a little kid just learning to read, thanks for showing me how to get myself back.


    ps please excuse spelling mistakes, my son's love bird took the keys off my laptop a few months ago,so now some of them (like the spacebar) stick. I never knew a bird would do that.

  • Brummie

    I'm real pleased for you Pam. Its been good to have you share these things.

    I realized questions are okay.

    Me too, liberating en it?


  • Simon

    Glad it's been helpful to you Pam !

    I know exactly what you mean about feeling like a new person and not having all this stuff weighing you down.

  • czarofmischief

    Yeah, thanks Simon... I don't think I gave you enough credit on my forum topic about my life. You have seriously made it possible for me to erupt from the JW cocoon and become my own person.

    Yeah, I know what you're thinking. "Great. I helped make CZAR what he is..."

    Well, love me or loathe me, I'm here to stay, as long as I don't get banned.

    Love ya, Simon.


  • bluesapphire

    I'm happy for you, Pam. It feels so good to be free, doesn't it? And thinking for yourself and being able to say "NO I DON'T AGREE!" without feeling guilty is worth its weight in gold too.

  • Joyzabel

    like peeling an onion, I'm sure while you were peeling the guilt you shed some tears.

    Glad you shared your thoughts with us, Pam and more glad that you are free.

    Run, enjoy life, ask questions. wweeeeeeeeeeeee


  • Satanus


    Congratulations. Another captive mind is set free.


  • lisavegas420

    Bravo Pam, ....You just wrote my own story, up until you get to the part about joining another church. I never could get involved in another religion. I read a lot about different religions and went to several different churches, but only for one or two visits.

    Oh, and nice to meet you.


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