AP – April 1st, 2017
Russian Earthquake Forces Putin to Reconsider – Won’t Ban Jehovah’s Witnesses
In a stunning reversal of events, Vladimir Putin had an emergency meeting with all UN members and made a proposition unbanning Jehovah’s Witnesses worldwide.
After the devastating 6.9 earthquake in eastern Russia, and after receiving nearly one metric ton of letters from Jehovah’s Witnesses worldwide, Putin changed his mind and decided not only to not ban Jehovah’s Witnesses in Russia, but proposed to the UN to remove all restrictions from Jehovah’s Witnesses worldwide.
Surprisingly, Jehovah’s Witnesses were not pleased.
David A. Ssholian, the
spokesman for Jehovah’s Witnesses, said that “This reversal is a disaster for
Jehovah’s Witnesses worldwide. We just can’t be unbanned everywhere, that would
be a severe blow for our faith.”
When asked why they were unhappy, Ssholian responded, “Jesus said in Matthew
5:10-11, “Happy are those who have been persecuted …. “Happy are YOU when
people reproach YOU and persecute YOU and lyingly say every sort of wicked
thing against YOU”… which means that if we are NOT being persecuted, that would
make us sad. We simply don’t have any reason to say we are the only true
religion if we are free to preach everywhere. We NEED persecution.”
The Governing Body of Jehovah’s Witnesses has decided to make a new campaign,
begging the Russian government to ban them. Letters must be written before
April 1st, 2018, also known as April’s Fool’s Day, 2018.
The recommended letter
states:
“We ask, nay, we beg, the dictatorship of Vladimir Putin to please ban our
religion. We need persecution. Please don’t let the Mormons or the
Scientologists or the Muslims be the only religion that is persecuted in
Russia. They are NOT the one true religion, we are.
Although we don’t consider ourselves to be a cult, if it helps to be banned,
then yes, we will admit we are a cult.
What does a cult have to do these days to be banned?
We could add more frivolous reasons to be disfellowshipped.
We could write about how horrible the dictatorship is in Russia.
We could go back to
prohibiting all blood fractions, AND transplants, AND vaccines.
Please, let us know what we can do to be happily banned.
Sincerely,
(Write down your name and phone number and address. Don’t write any of the
Governing Body’s names or phones or addresses. We don’t want to be persecuted, just you rank-and-file
members).”
It remains to be seen if Putin will listen to the millions of new letters he
receives. Meanwhile, stock of FedEx (NYSE:FDX) soared to 205.20USD after the
announcement.