I ponder my mortality a lot. I don't really believe in the Bible, per se, but since it's been drilled into my head all my life, there is still that niggling thought that it might be right. Especially since I haven't found anything to replace it with. Logically, I don't think the idea of hell being a place of eternal torment makes any sense, but who am I?
However, having been a doubter most of my life, I still worried about this stuff even when I was a JW. When I was younger, I worried that I wasn't doing enough, that my heart wasn't pure, that Jehovah would somehow punish me and let the elders see my doubts and disfellowship me. I worried that I was evil, that Satan had hold of my heart, that demons would one day take me over. I didn't think Jehovah listened to my prayers, because although I begged, sometimes with tears, to have my heart believe, I just could not. What kind of person did that make me?
Since I lost my daughter, I think about it even more. Will I ever see her again? For me to survive her death, I had to convince myself that I would. I could not live thinking that I would never see her, that it was just done. I would have killed myself (and that is not hyperbole, it is the simple truth). So, I don't know in what form, but I am convinced that I will see her or her spirit in some way when this life is over.