I Didn't Belong

by Nihilistic Journey 10 Replies latest jw friends

  • Nihilistic Journey
    Nihilistic Journey

    I remember an art project when I was six years old. The teacher handed out felt pine trees that we glued to burlap sheets. Everyone then attached little pieces of colorful material to the felt trees. Everyone except for me as I was only allowed to use plain white pieces. I did not know why. I only knew I did not belong.

    I remember the third grade where I sat near a girl I liked named Tenniel. She watched as I couldn’t participate in birthday treats. She observed as I was banished to the library during holiday parties. Shortly before Christmas she passed me a note. Excited I hurriedly read it. The note read “I am sorry you are Jewish”. I didn’t know what being Jewish was. I only knew I didn’t belong.

    I remember riding in the car with my sister and mother. My mother drove us to an old dilapidated white house near downtown. The house always had a peculiar smell and was always filled with strangers. As my mother ventured off and left us all alone with the strangers I never knew why. I only knew we didn’t belong.

    I remember when I was ten and my mother would come home with different men. They would stay in her bedroom all night. I was forced to scour the kitchen cupboards trying to feed my sister and myself. I didn’t know why it fell on me. I only knew we didn’t belong.

    I remember being one of God’s chosen people standing on a street corner every Saturday morning. As I peddled the unwanted magazines all alone no one paid me any mind. I didn’t know why I got up so early every Saturday. I only knew I didn’t belong.

    I remember standing around the back of the Kingdom Hall after every meeting. My hands in the pockets of my burgundy suit paints while I pretended to read the bulletin boards. Over and over I studied the same assignments so no one would see how alone I was. I didn’t know why no one cared to talk to me. I only knew I didn’t belong.

    I remember my first year of middle school. As the boys tried to make sense of their changing bodies they asserted dominance over others. I couldn’t protect myself the day I was punched in the chest. Holding in the pain and the tears I knew that Jehovah wanted me to turn the other cheek. He said that “an answer when mild turns away rage but a word causing pain makes anger to come up”. I didn’t know who authored that proverb. I only knew I didn’t belong.

  • hoser

    Same thing with me growing up. To this day I still don't belong.

  • Cangie
    I'm so sorry NJ, for the times in your life that have been so rough. You are not alone anymore, and now you DO BELONG---to us! (If it's any consolation, so many of us have been through the same things, and other stuff as well, so we truly do get it.)
  • exjwlemming

    Great job, NJ. Well articulated and spoken. Outstanding! I wish I authored such a moving literary work.

  • Nihilistic Journey
    Nihilistic Journey

    hoser you belong anywhere you want to be. It's taken me way to many years to figure it out but its true. At the root of every person is the desire to be accepted. If you accept them they will accept you. Granted there are exceptions to the rules but generally I believe this to be true.

  • NewYork44M

    I didn't read your complete post - too sad to digest. What a f*&*ing childhood we all had.

  • stuckinarut2

    Wow...very well said.

    Yes, being raised as different was drummed into us as kids to be viewed as a badge of honour to wear proudly. But outside of the witness bubble, it made for a very miserable life.

    Oh sure, we received validation while amongst other witnesses, but that did not represent an accurate day to day experience.

    The FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) witness kids are raised with is abusive.

  • Nihilistic Journey
    Nihilistic Journey

    Thank you guys. All of your validation means a lot to me. Once my mother left the Truth and started sleeping around and doing drugs it reconfirmed to me what the Society always said. If you leave the truth your life would fall apart. At least this made sense to the 9 year old boy that I was. This turned me into an uber JW. Street corner every Saturday morning before the service meeting and more FS. Field service every day during school vacations. I did this until I was 18 and had enough not fitting in any Kingdom Hall and left not knowing TTATT. 18 years of living in constant fear of Armageddon I finally discovered TTATT a year and half ago.

  • just fine
    just fine

    I am so sorry you didn't fit in - that was my experience too. When I first left he JWs I joined a volleyball league and it was the first time I fit in anywhere - and even then it was hard to let myself fit in.

  • nonjwspouse

    NJ, I am so glad you now have finally found out TTATT. The new beginning for you and your life. A new feeling to replace the constant fear.

    ((HUGS)) NJ

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