Well I was telling you days ago that I wrote my DA letter... I decided to deliver it myself to the elders. It'a been about a year I didn't show up nor talk to the majority of old friends. One of my best friends (who's is 2-3 years older than me, I'm 25) is now an elder... Some times I don't understand him, he's an engineer from a prestigious university (the most prestigious universities here in Chile, are 2, the one from where he got his degree and the one I'm attending)... He even red Crisis of Conscience and has doubts... But still endured inside.
my Congo were based in our historic city downtown, so our territory was small... I parked my car near the hall and walked near for a while while the meeting was over. That walk brought very deep remembrances and feelings from many years ago, I first came to that Congo 15 years ago, I was 10, my glide has changed a lot since then... My family broke, I struggled on my first university years, etc...
The time was ticking and I had no particular plan on how to deliver my DA letter, I started to felt some angst... The same deep hopeless feeling I had when struggles to bring out the topic of my now ex non-JW girlfriend, the feeling of being stopped by the same old cold stone wall made up of doubt, fear, anxiety and guilt... I could never make a stand, I lost that girl, she wasn't patient enough, I wasn't brave enough to fight, I couldn't make it had sense...
That was the past, I wasn't there to be a coward, so resolved to go on (I had in my mind the kind words and encourage from of some of you the other day when I had my letter wrote!!!)
it was about the time the meeting was supposed to be ending, I directed my feet straight to the hall... I took three steps and I saw in the distance and old lady that always were very kind to me... Again I started to doubt. I crossed the street and took the other way to the wall... I said to myself "no matter who is getting in your way we are not stopping now changing route!!!" Two steps ahead I saw my good old friend and neighbor... I hadn't see her in a year, now she were married and her "husband" (oh los how I hated him, always considered him a moron)... She didn't recognize me at first, then she smiled and hug me tight and said to me "it's been a long time, I'm SO happy to see you"
i replied, "where are you going with HIM unaccompanied?!" She laughed for a while... "I'm very happy to see you too, i love you very very much (I can't find a word to translate from Spanish a friendly -not romantic- kind of love, but let's say that I was referring to "agape" love)... Then she told me that we should meet soon "I hope that too" replies, I looked in her eyes and I think deep inside she knew it was for me a very final situation, I was truly affected and my face surely were expressing it... Her husband just looked and were a passive watcher of the scene, certainly he knew that between she and me were some "feelings" long long ago. We parted and there I was, at hall's door...
suddleny mu friend now-elder came out! "Oh long time we didn't see each other! We surely have so much to talk!!!" Yes bro, 2 years and he only had me on Facebook to stalk, never wrote a single message, always "spying", silent, what a rat! Anyhow for good old time's sake I walked him home (2 blocks away) and talked for a while... I didn't mention my visit's real intentions.
time was running out, enough to distractions were taken, the I saw the elder I wanted to talk going home in his car... It was maybe too late and no one left on the wall... I hurried and there I was again, in front of the hall's door... And it was locked, bad thing, I would let the letter for them to find it. But suddleny against one elder gets out... It was one I knew well and counseled me many times. He also knew how my family broke up... He was the one. We talked a little. Remember him talking "not to forget jehovah"... And leaving. Then I spoke about and said "wait... (I took out the envelop from my pocket) I have a letter in wrote for the BOE, I would like to give it to you, it's about some things I've been considering over time"... Can I open and read it my self, he asked. Of course you can! he looked the envelope, my name in the back, gave me a hug and we said goodbye... Some guys I knew were left inside the hall, but I didn't turn back and walked to my car, I took a deep breath and listened to a song o used to play a lot as a teenager, when doubts started, I was always careful about the lyrics of the music I liked, and this song (some will recognize it) said in one verse "I got soul but I'm not a soldier"... Well I wasn't a soldier of the WT anymore, I was starting to live my live free, and of course I had a soul, now it was free. I started the engine drove... It now seems a a long long time ago when I visited this site for the first time, of course with some guilt and fear, I clearly remember research about the flood and the "only 6000 years of human history", time passed o registered, then posted, in parallel my life changed, friends were lost, I entered college, I broke up with my first and on top of it non-JW girlfriend, family broke up, mother and sister tried to kill themselves on many occasions, I found my now girlfriend and found happiness, my mother recovered and now it's "awoken" and full of positive thoughts and no longer feeling that the Jws are the "truth" anymore.
My life has changed forever, I want to thank you all for the encourage and great advise and the info I got from your experiences. Thank you also for reading (it seems that this is the longest thing I ever wrote in English that it's not academic!
now it's time to wait for the announcement, in the meantime I think I will write something for my still inside good old friends...
cheers!