Going to see my abusive jw mother tomorrow

by Simonsez 19 Replies latest jw experiences

  • Simonsez

    My me mother and I do not see eye to eye to say the least. My childhood was fraught with her abusive behavior. Alas.she is old now and though I have not spoken to her in a year she called the other day and wanted to see me. I have not spoken to her in a year ,however I do not want to leave things unsead. Last year I rescued her from a nursing home where my brother had had her placed. It was a hell hole. Her response to me after was anything but gratitude . She had me taken off of her healthcare proxy because my non-disfellowshipped brother convinced her I could not be trusted because I am not a witness and may not abide by her "theocratic stance regarding blood" Nothing could be further than the truth. My brother is after her money. Should I just let her be and not tell her the truth regarding what he is up to? I have documented proof of what he has been up to including his attempt to have her declared incompetent . Emails from him asking me to sign off on his financial shenanigans etc. As of right now he has complete control.

  • Anony Mous
    Anony Mous

    Sorry to hear.

    As far as visiting her: I won't visit my abusive stepfather, even though he raised me, I haven't seen him in nearly a decade. It's better that way for me. If you want to visit her and say goodbye, I understand, but is it worth your emotional investment?

    As far as telling her about your brother: Is it worth the trouble? Are you expecting some huge sum yourself if she dies? What is the goal of telling her, you know she won't believe an unbeliever over a fellow Witness, regardless of your proof.

  • Sigfrid Mallozzi
    Sigfrid Mallozzi

    Simonsez, I can empathize with your situation. When Dad died I had a brother and his wife take over complete control of Mom's finances. Along with launching a character assassination on myself so that Mom wouldn't trust me at all. It's been 20 years since dad passed and brother nor his wife have worked a day in that entire time, I guess managing mom's money requires so much time. Even before I stopped attending meetings if I called mom she would hang up on me. A family counselor advised me, from her 42 years of experience, that she has never seen any son or daughter in my situation ever restore the relationship prior to the character assassination. The counselor also recommended my trying to restore the relationship for my benefit after mom has passed, basically, so I wouldn't have regrets that I didn't do enough when she died. She mentioned that this was a common behavior with a more loved son or daughter when that parent died. I tried for a number of years and mom (figuratively) completely slammed the door on me every time. I'm fine with it now, I just leave the whole family alone and live my quiet and peaceful life. The toxicity of JW families is no different than the rest of the world. I found that my personality I can't understand why someone would not like me. I felt I needed to purge myself from the toxic environment for my benefit and my families.

  • Simonsez

    Sigfred your situation sounds much like mine. My wife tells me the same. I just don't want any regrets when she is gone that I did not try. I don't need her money it is hers. I just don't want my brother to abuse a 90 year olds finances. Her money is hers and she should use it to make her remaining days pleasant in her own home.

  • Pete Zahut
    Pete Zahut

    You could go see her and have as pleasant of a visit as possible. If she brings up your brother or asks your advice or opinion on anything (other than the weather), you could say something along the lines of :

    "Mom....I'm not a JW anymore of course but I do still fully understand what that means in terms of you being able to fully trust anything a non JW like me, has to say about anything important. That being said, I'm going to refrain from making any comments or offering any advice other than to say that If you have concerns about what's going on with your personal affairs, why not have the elders check into it? That way you and I can have a nice visit today?"


    Sometimes the less said the better. Not spilling your guts about your brother when given the perfect opportunity to do so, may garner her trust and spark further curiosity. She may look into the matter and find out what you already know and you'll come out smelling like a rose or at least won't be blamed for stirring the pot.

  • LV101

    She's your Mom, too, and I think I'd protect my share if at all possible - keep your eye on the cheese. You're entitled to it at this point (until she redoes her legal papers) and I'd do it legally! Call your local bar association and ask for good attorney referrals or check out ratings of probate lawyers (Martindale Hubbel). Save copies of your bros emails, everything - lawyers see this evil every day. If the sibling sees you're not going to cry and run away -- and it's going to get expensive on his end, also, -- maybe he'll play fair. I don't know how legal fees end up being charged but sounds like he's too greedy to want to fight this out - hopefully.

    I'd go see her. This greed goes on every day. CPAs/lawyers have a saying something like until the parents die they are 'siblings' and afterward they are 'heirs' and nothing more.

    I'm confused - your brother has complete control - does that mean she's bequeathing everything to him? If that's not the case maybe you should go for a guardianship of your mother to protect her and to make sure the cult religion and your brother don't X you out.

  • Simonsez

    No he has complete care of her healthcare and checkbook. He is not looking out for her best interest. I am not concerned with her will. I just don't want him making medical decisions for her based upon financial benefits for him. Ie. Nursing home rather than the around the clock care I have arranged for her in her home.

  • LV101

    Sounds like there needs to be a "checkbook" audit on behalf of your mother to protect her financial interests and care while she's alive. Perhaps there needs to be a court-appointed guardian. Be prepared - as I'm sure you know when money is involved unimaginable happens.

  • Anna Marina
    Anna Marina

    Your mum is where she is at due to a long string of decisions she has made over the years. This situation with nursing homes suddenly comes upon older folk. Then they find out how very vulnerable they were. But by then if they have slammed the door in the face of those who cared over so many years, the caring person is not in much of a position to help.

    Be kind to her in whatever way you can. Be supportive but know your limitations. Don't take on a fight that was probably lost years ago. However, with kindness and genuine love it is possible to win something. Maybe right at the end she finds out she was wrong about WTBS and apologises to you.

    Millions now living will never die - I know several who have died very upset having wasted their lives. But it only kicks in at the end when all hope is gone.

    Kindness, comfort and consolation - that's what I'd aim at. And take her some treats. But I appreciate I don't know your situation, so you know what's appropriate for your situation.

  • LV101

    Or literally can't help due to the care needed or abuse meted out. The medical community can be of help If the elderly one has dementia/alzheimers and needs to be in nursing home. Many elderly ones can't make judicious decisions! Most cities have a geriatric psych facility where psychiatrists make an evaluation and assist the family in locating/transporting them to an assisted/nursing home if family is unable to be the caregiver(s). It's very difficult to deal with no matter which avenue you take.

    Good to have legal and professional mental health advice/evaulations when there's different opinions of siblings/family - good for checks and balances. Court appointed trustees can be good - they have to report to court re/all of the expenditures unless the parent has handed over the reins to family or family member but at times changes need to be made. If WT cult in background or dishonest family member in charge there clearly needs to be authorities involved. Usually by the time an adult child is able to admit aged parent(s) to a geriatric psych facility in hospital or have them transported via paramedics they themselves are emotionally/physically spent.

    If you're over 55 (age may differ in states) you can always contact attorneys who do inexpensive work for seniors or try for pro bono work - they farm out to reputable firms to aid those who can't afford/pay.

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