Week 16 Since My Disfellowshipping - Update

by pale.emperor 10 Replies latest jw experiences

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  pale.emperor

  Hi guys. I could really do with you advice regarding my current state since being disfellowshipped 16 weeks ago.

  Since being given the boot (i did try to fade but it failed) ive been on a rollacoaster of emotions. Lately im getting frequent headaches, tiredness and i have about 3 or 4 thoughts running through my mind at all times.

  Im passed the sadness phase of discovering it's a cult. I look at the religion objectively now and the cult-y-ness is so glaringly obvious. What does make me sad though is that my family genuinely believe that i know it's the truth but that im in denial. They assume (because they don't speak to me) that i must be sleeping around, smoking, taking drugs, getting drunk etc. But the truth is im the same person with the same morals as before. The only difference in me since leaving is im a lot more friendlier to non-JW's, and im more generous. I used to think "why bother trying to help the homeless, fight poverty, donate to cancer research etc because Jehovah will sort that out one day".
  

  Today i felt really sad. My family are emulating the mother in the latest disfellowshipping video shown at the 2016 convention who doesnt answer the phone. I send photo's of my daughter to my mum via whatsap but get no reply. Not even a "that's nice" or anything. Shunning me is pointless because i dont beleive in god anymore. And even if i did i'd have to figure out which god it is. So im not returning to the JW's. But im completely cut off, they keep playing the shunning game so i cant tell them my current situation.

  This week i was officially made homeless. My brother told my mum and sisters. They didnt nothing. Not even a phonecall. My ex told her friends and the elders in her hall. They did nothing. Bear in mind i have a 2yo. The "good Samaritans" did nothing. I had 4 days to find a place to live or i'd be on the street.

  Guess who helped? - A Catholic family. Yes, "babylon the great", some of those "worldly" people who are supposed to be without morals and sound reasoning. They helped me find an apartment. And i move in in a few days. They even arranged a van to help me move... for free.
  

  My brother rang yesterday. He's studying with the witnesses and was actually really happy and excited because some bombs hand gone off in Syria and killed a couple of hundred people, there was a shooting in Liverpool and some natural disaster in India has killed a load of people... why was he happy? "Because surely this shows we're so close to the end now". This type of thinking and talk really pisses me off. I cant stand the thought of innocent people suffering and witnesses just love it. I asked him what he knows about Beth Sarim and he had no idea what it was. I explained it and he said "have to been on apostate sites?" i said no, it's in the old books and magazines. He said "you shouldn't be reading them" and "apostates like to exaggerate things".
  

  I have my daughter 3 days a week and i really wished she lived with me. She has no idea what's going on with me and the witnesses and i worry that one day she'll join them too and shun me. Of corse i'll tell her TTATT but i dont want to come across as a crazy apostate that my ex's parents tell her i am.

  What i'd like to know is, is there a list of phases one goes through before they're "recovered" from this cult?
  
• 

  Tallon

  Hi PE

  As has been suggested on other discussions, maybe it might be worthwhile having a few sessions with a counsellor - if only to make sense of some of your thought processes and to point you in a direction from which you can move forward.
• 

  Village Idiot

  pale.emperor,
  

  What i'd like to know is, is there a list of phases one goes through before they're "recovered" from this cult?

  It's probably different with everyone but I went through the following:

  1. Rage, at the fact that I had been duped.
  2. Later on my rage settled down but I still had resentment.
  3. Support in a "phone tree" of ex-JWs (This was in the 1980s before the internet).
  4. Eventually I outgrew my negative emotions and had become curious in an objective manner on their past history.
     
• 

  ToesUp

  I don't think your family turning their backs on you ever really goes away. You should always be able to turn to family. It is disturbing because it should NEVER happen. NEVER! I am hoping that soon the child abuse thing hits WT right between the eyes. We are hearing that Kingdom Halls are consolidating, branches are closing, bethelites are getting the boot. This makes us hopeful that this is all going to bite WT hard. Keep your chin up and watch WT squirm. That's what keeps us going. Money makes WT tick and they are running out of it and people are leaving. Rejoice and watch WT suffer for its abuse on good people.
• 

  dubstepped

  I've been thinking about this all day and finally got home to reply. I wish that meant that I had some amazing words of wisdom, but I likely don't.

  I think that the five stages of grief, denial, grief, bargaining, depression, and acceptance do occur but not necessarily after you leave. I think it's part of the process of leaving and then continues some afterward.

  For me, I was super anxious right when we left, but it was buffered with this almost manic sense of freedom. It was without compare. It was maybe a good anxious, as anything was now possible and I was free. I had a lot of time to make my decision to leave though. I'd say it took maybe six years of getting healthy enough to do so. Really, our path afterward was nothing short of fantastic. Lately I did get down and posted here a bit, but I'm past it already. It was just a minor funk, likely caused by some things I referenced in the thread.

  I gave my example a little just for context, but honestly I think that there is no list of phases. Everyone exits in different ways. You were preparing mentally by reading apostate stuff, but you were caught and thrust out without it being your choice. You lost your wife and share your child in a different way now. My experience is so different than that. I really think that we all come out in different ways and that it impacts those phases. Plus, we all have different emotional makeups, different social circles (or lack thereof) when leaving, etc. It's kind of amazing that we all spent years in an organization doing pretty much the exact same things, but we all have such different experiences on the way out and after.

  I'm so sorry you found yourself homeless. Isn't it awesome though when those evil "worldly" people prove themselves better than the dubs over and over again? I mean, the acts of kindness toward us have been so much greater than anything experienced in decades with the dubs. It just affirms how much we were lied to by the dubs who mischaracterized an entire group of people to make them so ugly you'd be afraid of them and stick closely to the Borganization. Isn't that sick?

  I don't want to pry or anything, but if you need any financial advice or ideas on how to make some money or something shoot me a pm. I'm not rich, but I've turned my financial situation around completely and money is no longer a worry, and my wife and I don't have any special skills. I just listened and learned from people that had been through the wringer and had wisdom to offer.

  It sounds like your brother is really falling for the fantasy of the JWs, and I'm sorry. It unfortunately dehumanizes people. It steals their compassion for the world and makes them self-centered, looking for the panda paradise to come fix their problems. It also makes them paranoid, as you see from his comments about apostate materials. I was paranoid like that. I was shaking the first time I came on a site like this.

  Hugs man, I'm so sorry about your family. It's an unfortunate reality that they will cut you completely off 99% of the time. We got to leave on our own initiative. We knew exactly what the consequences would be. We had seen our families shun before and knew what it would be for us. I think those expectations made it easier to accept. It sucks though, doesn't it, no matter what you expect.
• 

  gonzobear

  I am so so sorry and sad to read what you're going through. As with all things this pain you feel WILL pass. I left when my daughter was 3, and it was terrifying. It's terrifying to be so alone. I faded and so had occasional contact with my mother - that's gone now she has branded me an apostate, and honestly, it's easier without her - but it was the worst time in my life. You are strong for leaving, and for seeing it as it is. Firstly, keep this knowledge you're strong close. You're loving for not rejoicing in other's pain. You're also seeing the good in others, seeing that people with true Christian values help others.

  Your worries about your daughter - she will see them as they are. Your influence and experiences will open her eyes, she won't want to join them. She might be conflicted for a few years, and that's going to be a tough one. My daughter is now 11, and she detests the witnesses - her father is still in - she sees the hypocrisy and lack of love and has made her own conclusions. Kids are smart.

  It does get better. Try and find ways to make new friends. I volunteered for a charity after I left and it changed my life, opened my eyes to the good in the world and helped build a new set of friends. Now my life is good, you'll get to that stage too, you just need to hang in and I know it'll be painful and awful at times, but you've done the hardest part and there are lots of people here who have your back as well.

  There are lots of phases people go through, it's not dissimilar to post traumatic stress at times, and you've lost your family, so there will be the stages of grief too. I was numb, sad, angry, doubted myself, distrustful of others, but gradually have learnt to let it go, and in the main, it's ok now. You'll get there too.
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  nowwhat?

  Because of family I would bite the bullet , beg for forgiveness and play the game to get reinstated. Then fade again.
• 

  JWdaughter

  Fading is not an option for everyone. He tried that already, nowwhat?.

  To P.E. I don't think that there are any defined phases. We all get to the point of leaving the org in different ways and realizing the truth about it is not always rolled into that, so we will all differ.

  I do think though that its safe to say that you are barely out and everything is feeling a lot more raw now than it will in years to come. Everything in your life now is colored by this, but soon it will just be an occasional distraction. You know it isn't right. Check. You have your daughter nearly half time. Check. Your social life is a clean slate, and your baggage doesn't involve a criminal record, so you are way ahead many folks. Just keep moving forward. Don't let this cult be your focus anymore. Your future and that of your child is what matters now, so work and build for that. Actively go out to make friends and companions in activities or sports that you enjoy; Put extra into your work and get WAAAY ahead of the game.

  Do well and be happy. It's not about revenge, its about living your life.
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  Worldling9

  It does sound like a grieving process and PTS symptoms. I recommend therapy to get some tools to help you deal with it. It's not easy and 'stuff' does come up from time to time, even when we've been out for years. What you are feeling sounds pretty normal given everything you've been through.
  
• 

  Chook

  Hi pale emperor,

  I feel wounded after reading your post , I think you might need some reversal therapy my friend, venting and talking help victims on crime. The guys on here hide behind pseudonyms because they still have love for the relatives and childhood experiences but I can assure you their hearts aren't hiding from you.