It will be 5 months (tomorrow 24th) since Megan has died. I went to work today for the first time since that day. I was leaving the house this morning and while pulling out of the driveway I looked at my home and remembered the last time I had done this 5 months earlier.
Every morning before I would go to work Megan would wake me up and she would already have made the babies bottles and poured me a cup of coffee. I remember she would sit next to me and wake me with a kiss and hand me my cup of coffee. By the time I had gotten through my first cup and a shower she would then bring the babies into the room so we could play. The babies were 10 months old then and they were becoming more sociable and animated. We would laugh and play with them until it was time for me to go. She would follow me downstairs and give me a hug and a kiss each and every morning before I left. When going to the car she would peek out of the window and wave at me and I would make a point of waving before I got into the car and then after getting out of the driveway I would stop and she would still be at the window waving with a smile on her face I would wave back at her one last time and then drive away.
This was my routine and I loved it. This is how my life was each and every day.
Today when I looked at my home Megan was not at the window. Megan was not smiling back at me with that beautiful smile she would have. I did not get to see her eyes light up when I would wave back at her. I did not get a call at work around 11:30 asking me what I would like to have for lunch that day and when I got home she was not there to give me a hug and a kiss. God I miss her so much. Her love was like a warm blanket that I wrapped my whole being into. I was in heaven now she has gone and taken heaven with her.
I have learned that in order to cope with her passing I do a few things, One is I will play with or just hold our babies, another is I will sit down and write a letter to Megan, the other is I will sit down and write a letter to you usually about Megan or my babies I have not done the latter in a little while and I feel like this site has become a refuge for me. A place for me to say things that are inside of me. Things that I am not able to communicate to people around me.
I have been dreaming alot latley and it is funny that since my father passed away almost ten years ago I had only had a few dreams with him in them. The last couple of weeks he has been in my dreams quite frequently. I keep showing him pictures of Megan and telling him she has died and I am so sad. He is so alive to me when I dream of him and I am happy to be able to see hime if only in my dreams. When I dream of Megan there are times when she is very distant towards me this is so unlike how she was in life. I dont know what all this means. I guess this is one for the therapist.
Anyways thanks for listening
Larrynbabies