Dealing with grandmother's death all over again

by TresHappy 10 Replies latest jw friends

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  TresHappy

  In May my beloved grandmother passed away at the age of 87. It was a long struggle for her, and I thought I was dealing with her death pretty well. Well yesterday, I went to my JW parents for a visit (had not been there in several months.) The first thing Mom wanted me to do was to look in my grandmother's personal possessions to see if was there anything I wanted. I reluctantly agreed. (It seems Mom has the obsessive desire to get rid of everything quickly...don't know if it's anti-clutter crazy or she's just tired of looking at all her stuff, although all of it is packed in boxes and put in closets.) Mom pulls out all of the funeral things to show me cards and such and I am looking through all her things and I see a polaroid snapshot of MY GRANDMOTHER IN HER COFFIN. I had seen a woman taking photographs of my grandmother (her former aide that came to the house everyday), but I was in another part of the funeral home and didn't get to her until after she had done it. It seems she gave my mother a photo. I asked my mother about this, she said that it didn't bother her. "Lots of people do that at funerals." I am trying to understand all of this. My grandmother was never a Witness, however Dad gave her eulogy and played that horrible JW long "Life without end at last" or some stupid title. It just brought back all those feelings about dealing with that JW garbage. Everyone who had the nerve to tell me said that they tuned my father out (me included.) My father kept going from Scripture to Scripture to try and prove his theology to the non JW's in attendance (which was everyone.)

  My point is this, when the JW's are in charge of something, they are going to make sure it's done their way and no other way. While I knew this, all this stuff with my grandmother and her funeral brought it back to light.

  I couldn't sleep last night. I kept thinking of my grandmother's remains being photographed.

  I am better now. Thanks for listening.
• 

  Lady Lee

  (((TresHappy)))
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  cruzanheart

  My dad did that at my Aunt Gerry's funeral last year. That was really creepy when he whipped out those photos! Really, wouldn't you rather remember the loved one when they were alive? I don't understand that concept. But, then, I'm also creeped out by the whole open casket thing.

  Tres Happy, there will be many things in the next year or so to bring up the memory of your grandmother again, and it will hurt a little less each time, but it will still hurt for a while. That's part of the grieving process.

  Hugs,

  Nina
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  KGB

  You know what I did ? I wrote it out in my will that by no means is my JW parents to have any say or any doings with my funeral. I'll be dipped in pig poop before I get buried in a JW matter....
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  unbeliever

  The anniversary of my grandfathers death was last June 16th. He died in 1996. I miss him so much. We were very close. He was always nice to the witnesses and some came to his funeral since it was not held in a church. Of course they used it as a chance to witness and told my poor sobbing aunt and cousins that one day they had the chance of seeing him on a paradise earth. They even gave out some tracks. They were lucky my dad did not throw their sorry asses out of the funeral home. He told them they better not show up at the grave site. I hate jehovah witnesses!
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  TresHappy

  Tracts were not offered at this funeral, although emotions were so high for other reasons I won't mention here, I don't think it would have made any difference. I forewarned all of my cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. that what would they be hearing would be contrary to their traditional beliefs.

  You know what my aunt said to me one time about the stance of them not celebrating birthdays? "That's so stupid, that's like saying because someone shit on a certain day so then you can't celebrate anything." That's a verbatum quote, four letter word and all. I love my family, but certain members have huge potty mouths!
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  mouthy

  Sorry you were upset Love.... (((((hugs))) Just remember they know not what they do.....
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  talesin

  {{{tres}}}

  grandmothers give us a very special kind of love. i'm so sorry for your loss. you have your memories of her and the times you shared together, and nothing they do can change that.
• 

  teenyuck

  {{{Tres}}}

  My dad died about 1 1/2 years ago. His funeral was arranged by his best friend and sister (neither were JWs).

  At the funeral home, during the *viewing*, my two 1/2 brothers, ages 19 and 23, brought cameras. They took so many pics of my dad in the coffin I almost puked. I had never saw anyone, JW or not, do that.

  These two young men are not JW. Never have been.

  I don't think the practice has anything to do with JWism. Don't what is has to do with except an inability to let go. I was CREEPED out.

  My JW uncle died 2 years ago. Not one photo of him lying in the coffin (that I know of). There were quite a few people with cameras taking pics of all the family they haven't seen in years. (out in the reception area)
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  TresHappy

  Teeny:

  Almost all JW's that I know that have passed away have chose immediate cremation and then had a memorial "talk" at the KH or at the funeral home chapel.

  I know during the 1800's it was quite common for the family of the departed to gather around the open coffin for a photo. Sometimes that would be the only "group" photo the family would have, especially if it were a child.

  I knew a couple whose newborn passed away soon after birth; they took photos or they wouldn't have had any of their child. I can see that.

  I suppose my thought about the whole weekend regarding my grandmother is that I don't feel she was properly honored. She was buried in a pink pantsuit, she never wore pink, she loved the color red, so why the hell did my JW mother choose pink for her mom? Everyone that knew her kept coming up and asking and saying the same thing. My father talked a little about grandmother, and then talked INCESSANTLY about where she was in the afterlife. I mean it was long and winded and everyone's body language spoke volumes (checking their watches several times, yawning, slightly moving in their seats, looking back at me for fear they'd hurt my feelings.) Most of these relatives were all of my extended family of cousins, spouses, cousins' kids, nieces, nephews, etc. Seeing this photograph just brought back all those emotions. I was a wreck Saturday night. I shouldn't have let it get to me, it was combination grief and all this crap of a belief system that I left (and oh so glad I did.)

  My aunt (mom's sister) was so frustrated/stressed/grieved about the whole thing. She calls my mother two days later after the funeral and tells my mother about her new 1/2 sister! This previous thread linked below explains everything. I personally think she did it to "get back" at my mother because none of my aunt's wishes were listened to or considered regarding her mother. My aunt and my father got into it at the hospital because she told him that she knew that he was going to say things that she didn't believe. Then dad starts trying to defend his beliefs and she told him what he could do with it. (I sort of wish I'd been there!) She took it upon herself to do a collage of grandmother's photos, from child to young woman to elderly years.

  http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/7/52327/1.ashx

  In retrospect, I am much better and will not allow my parents' actions or any other JW event/affair/organized thing to bother me like this anymore. I will focus on the positive and fun memories of my grandmother and honor her in my way, the way a loving grandchild would do. And in all of this, I realize how much I love my parents and how thoroughly deceived they are!