Racist Comments Revive Religion
Ted Jaracz, head of the Organization Formerly Known as Jehovah's Witnesses, today launched a verbal assault on Latino communities in the Los Angeles area. His comments incensed local and national civil rights leaders, while at the same time provided a focus for a religion that some say has lost its way.
Referring to the traditional habit among certain Latin American communities of firing their guns into the air during celebrations, Jaracz denounced this as "an obvious attempt to bring down the Kingdom of God."
"The Kingdom is closer than ever, and since it's in heaven, shooting into the air means you want to shoot the Kingdom, perhaps even the angels, perhaps even God Himself, maybe even one of the 144,000!" At this a collective gasp of horror swept the somnolent crowd, although some critics claim that the gasp was computer generated and played through loudspeakers.
Jaracz made his remarks in the concluding talk of a fourteen day symposium entitled "Near at the Doors: Why the Kingdom should be a source of terror for your children to bring them up in the mental regulating of Jaracz." The faithful, perhaps stunned into wakefulness by the lack of vagaries, immediately erupted into applause.
One tearful Witness said, "At last, we know who to blame for our wasted lives... Los Angelinos!"
Another, clutching her copy of the latest book, "The Greatest Governing Body that Ever Lived," said, "I can't wait to go door to door, collecting the foreskins of those nasty sarape-wearing Philistines," although her wheelchair would prevent any such action barring a miraculous healing.
Further instruction from Jaracz included the mandatory reading of all Watchtower lessons in English, "The Language of God." Members of the religion are also instructed to circle any El Caminos they espie in their field service work, and pray for the racial healing of the occupants. Finally, the faithful were instructed to plant rumors of WMD programs in Latin American countries, in order to help Anglicize and therefore "purify" these countries.
Jaracz anti-Hispanic rant caught many observers by surprise, but former Divinity of this religion, Jehovah, had a few choice comments to make.
"The Society has a long history of racist comments. Probably after the political winds change, they'll claim to have been misquoted or taken out of context," said the Supreme Being, smoking a pipe in the back room of Crazy Mocha coffee shop in Bloomfield, PA.
"Boy, I'm glad I don't have to worry about that stuff anymore. I even can sleep in on Saturdays, if I want."
Civil rights and political leaders were quick to denounce the campaign as an obvious ploy to regain the powerful stranglehold that the President of the Witnesses has traditionally held on the minds of the faithful.
A hastily written conclusion to the symposium, composed by the Society's lawyers, emphasized that while participation in the newly revealed "Latino Healing" work was mandatory for anyone who didn't want to die a painful death at Armageddon, the Society itself bore no responsibility for the consequences of these actions, and, of course, the Governing Body would not actually participate themselves.