Argh! What to do, what to do...

safe4kids

My children have a friend who lives in the neighborhood and who comes over often to hang out. He is a little JW boy, but he and his mom have no idea that I'm an ex. "Gabe" has been a frequent visitor to our home for over a year now and nothing about religion has ever come up...until today.

He and my son got into a discussion about evolution vs. creation, and, as the conversation seemed to be heating up, I got involved. He, bless him, gave the usual rote-responses that JW kids are taught (makes me sad) but I refuted them, gently of course, for a few moments until I suddenly realized that I was being incredibly unfair to the kid (he's about 10) and ended the conversation. After all, I was raised a dub and have been out for quite a long time now, I'm an adult and he's a kid (altho he was so cute when he offered to go home and get his bible!)...it was a totally one-sided discussion! I don't feel that I have the right to undermine this boy's faith, and surely, his mother would be horrified if she knew that I'm an ex. But at the same time, I know all too well the reality of growing up a dub...the loneliness, the feeling of being one against the ''world"....so my question to those of you out there who are interested, is where to go from here? Do I instruct my children to avoid conversations regarding his religious beliefs or not? I am certainly not going to say anything to him again, but my kids have pretty much developed decent critical thinking skills and aren't interested in backing down from any discussion regarding god, creation, etc. etc.

Gabe is a very nice, intelligent, but lonely little guy and I have to confess that my heart goes out to him, as I hate the idea of him growing up in such a destructive cult. But at the same time, I don't feel that I have the right to interfere, if that makes any sense. It's one thing when dealing with other adults, but this is a kid! So.....suggestions, thoughts, opinions, would be welcome.

Dana

Euphemism

Maybe you can just stay out of it, and let your kids do the talking? He gets to count his informal witnessing time, he gets a good dose of logic from your kids, and the parents can't blame you. Everyone wins.

RAYZORBLADE

let your kids do the talking

That may work. It's gentler, that's for sure. Gives the child some dignity, and may plant some minor seeds for later on.

Yes, I am with you, I do feel sorry for that little J-dub kid.

Joyzabel

Hey (((((Dana)))))

Just being a supportive adult in this little guy's world will impress upon him enough that when he gets older he will think of you fondly. Remember how you would have felt if an adult befriended you, unconditionally when you were a dub. Let your kids do the talking and just excuse yourself from being in their "debates". When he's older and learns that you are an ex, he'll know you did the honorable thing. (just my 2 cents)

BTW, how is your summer going? Hope you are not too hot!

Hugs to you and your wonderful kids,

j2bf

worldlygirl

I had the same situation when my 16-yr-old JW step-daughter was living with us. One day, I caught her trying to explain her version of things to my 13-year-old daughter (who has grown up in the Methodist church.) I told the girls that there would be no debates or discussions over their religious beliefs, no exchanging of literature, etc. - as a matter of respect for each other and the beliefs they held.

Privately, though, I told my husband that he should talk to his daughter and I had better not ever hear of her trying to pass that crap off to my little girl again. As far as I know, that was the last time they ever talked about it.

safe4kids

Euphimism,

Wow! 102 years old, hey? Guess that makes your wisdom unimpeachable! Yes, I intend to stay out of it completely, for all of the reasons that I mentioned in my earlier post. I'm just not sure what to say to my kids, as I feel even there it is an uneven battle. Thanks for your input.

Rayzor,

You and I haven't had much (or any!) dialogue thus far, to my knowledge, but I have enjoyed reading your posts and find you to be kind and reasonable, which are characteristics I value. I guess what I'm struggling with is the sadness I feel whenever I talk to the little guy and pick up on what his life is like. I can relate soooo much to how he feels, having experienced it myself. I don't want his conversations with my little munchkins to make him feel even more exposed to attack, and so I question whether I need to allow them to continue those types of discussion or if I should just make it off limits. Thanks for your response.

Dana

kgfreeperson

Hmmmm. I doubt the kids will be gentler, especially if he refutes logic with JW "logic." I don't know if this is helpful or not, but my kid was friends with the son of a Westminster Pres. family (father ex-police, studying to be minister). And I heard them getting into it and my kid practically had the other in tears because he knew how to ask the questions and point up the contradictions, etc. Later I just talked to my kid about what it might be like to be growing up in that kind of very strict, dogmatic family and community and how frightening it must be for him to deal with doubts and contradictions, etc. I pointed out that by "defeating" my kid, Rob could "defeat" his doubts. Anyhow, it did seem my kid stopped baiting him until they were a lot older and I figured Rob was on his own!

safe4kids

Hey (((((Joy))))))

I guess you're right, it's just so hard to know what to say, you know?? This little guy has wormed his way into my heart, and it breaks for him every time I hear him have to go on the defensive....gawd, I remember it so well As for my summer...let's just say that it's incredibly HOT here, and why...WHY does the grass have to grow so fricken fast??!!! I swear, I got heat stroke mowing today! The kids are doing well, and looking forward to visiting you again, altho this time, I think I'll make 'em wear life jackets when they're out on the kayaks, k? LOL It will help with my "mom" jitters Oh! and do me a favor...stay outta my dreams, will ya?? Sheesh, I keep having them! (Yes, I know I'm weird, but it's our little secret, right?)

HI Worldlygirl,

I can imagine only imagine the reaction I would have to a similar situation. My kids remember going to the hall, but have completely renounced anything that sounds JW to them. I feel so much for people who are in the situation where they still have to deal with the JW influence, and my heart goes out to you, as does my pride that you are safeguarding your daughter from such a harmful influence. Good on ya!!! I truly do wonder, tho, if I should tell my kids to not debate such matters with young Gabe...I'm really not sure which route is the best.

Hi Kgfree,

What does your screen name mean, if you don't mind me asking? Thank you so much for sharing what you did...I have talked to my kids a little about what Gabe has to deal with, and they're sympathetic, but at the same time, they're kids, you know? They want to be "right" LOL. And yes, they are much better situated to discuss things logically than is a kid who has been raised as a dub, but imo it constitutes an almost unfair advantage.

Thanks to everyone who has responded; at this point, I guess I can only hope that when (notice I said when, and not if) Gabe needs to explore his doubts, he will remember that we care and are there to help.

Dana

NeonMadman

I'm sure the JW mother would be highly offended if you tried to push your ideas upon her innocent young child. I'm equally sure she would have no compunctions about pushing her ideas upon your children.

If, as you indicate, your kids are capable of handling the JW's arguments, it's probably best to let them do so. You can always provide backup information should they be asked a hard question.

Argh! What to do, what to do...

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