2 months after breakup with group, Deity starts anew.
Two months after bitterly breaking up with the group Jehovah's Witnesses, Jehovah God has announced the launch of his new solo effort. At a press conference in Pittsburgh, the historical launching pad for his previous religious affiliation, Jehovah seemed relaxed and happy as he puffed on an illegaly imported Cuban cigar and discussed his marketing strategy.
Wearing a snowy white t-shirt and a modest crown of eternal fire, radiating holiness, purity, and joie de vivre, Jehovah wowed reporters with his wit and sincerity. The back of Crazy Mocha coffee shop in the Bloomfield section of town rang loud with laughter and the occasional salvation of a weary sinner.
"That's strictly for effect, you know," said the Supreme Being, watching a newly converted member of his solo effort roll on the floor. "The new career is going to focus on the message, not the flashy presentation."
Jehovah claimed to be inspired by such long-standing acts as Aerosmith, who have been rocking crowds for close to thirty years. "Avoiding unecessary pyrotechnics, just getting the Word out there, letting the magic happen - yeah, I owe Steven Tyler a big intellectual debt."
When asked about his feelings about his old religion, Jehovah's Witnesses, now called Witnesses, the Deity paused a long time before responding. 'Well, I'm glad to see that they have taken my name off their billboards."
Pressed for further comment on Governing Body member Ted Jaracz's comments at the VH1 Music Awards, the Deity hedged a bit, obviously taken aback by the difficult issue. "Well, those who live in glass houses shouldn't be throwing stones, should they?"
Rather nastily, the Creator of Heaven and Earth added, "At least the Virgin Mary was eighteen when i knew her in my aspect as the Holy Spirit!" This was possibly a reference to allegations of pedophilia that are plaguing Jaracz.
A new CD is in the works for the Deity, to be released on Sony Music, and will feature appearances by Coolio, Mandy Moore, Rob Zombie, Kelly Osbourne, and some of the members of Phish. The hit single, "Yo! Jehovah Raps!" will enter the charts as the single most requested song in all of history, outstripping "Stairway to Heaven" by 144,000 plays in the first day.
A new tour, called "Food Not Armageddon" will be a benefit for hungry ex-Jehovah's Witnesses. Dates will be announced "through an actually approved, contracted spokesperson, not some shmoe with a paranoid complex."
"My boy will be handling the catering, so I hope you guys like fish," said God amid general laughter.
"And it goes without saying that there'll be plenty of wine."
See last article: http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/7/52876/1.ashx for more information.