How far does the shunning go for you, by your JW parents or children?

by LyinEyes 46 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Lady Lee

  Thank you Dansk

  What really gets me is that I was DFed for a one-time sexual encounter.

  My mother had an affair - read more than one time sex with someone - and I stood by her. Because of that she was not DFed. Even my elder hisband att he time didn't shun her. And she has the nerve to turn around and do this.

  If anything I have learned my mother actually lives by her own rules and uses the borg rules when it suits her. She has always made it clear she never wanted me.

  • she almost gave me up for adoption but reluctantly took me home (she wasn't a JW)
  • she left when I was 9. (not JW)
  • got me back reluctantly when I was 11, (studying with JWs)
  • sent me off to foster care when I was 12 (still studying with JWs)
  • got me back again reluctantly at 16 and (now she is baptized)
  • married me off to a stranger just after I turned 18 (see the thread on JW marriages) (good little JW)

  That's more than enough rejection from one person in one life time. I get the message
• 

  gumby

  But it seems that some take the extreame route and write you off as dead.

  In my dad's eyes, I am dead.

  Dede,

  I feel bad that your dad has drawn that conclusion. I have found it is not ALWAYS the dubs ZEAL for jehovah and their loyalty to him that causes the action he took. Others on this board have had the same reaction from family who leaves the Organisation. Many in fact, who's dub mates treat them differently now because they left........live lives themselves that are not exemplary as a dub.

  Why do some dubs go to this extreme as far as shunning family and friends? I think they simply see it as a weak cop-out and it makes them mad. It's not always everlasting life their concerned about you losing..........or they would be hurt and sad........not bitter and mad.

  I hope you and your father can get close somehow before he passes on.

  Gumby
• 

  oldcrowwoman

  Hi lyineyes~~~~~~~~~~~

  I was DA'ed before my daughters left home. In the meantime I asked both of them to wait to get baptized when they reached 18 or after. I said its a huge committment and it would be a huge impact on our lives.

  The oldest was baptized 15 yrs old and the youngest 14yrs old. I felt heart sick I knew what the consequences I would be facing down the road.

  The oldest graduated moved out. The relationship was severed. There are no words to describe the pain. It did'nt have to do with our personal relationship and knew it was'nt about me as a Mother. When She went thru the door I said the door is always open.

  I had to do whatever where to keep myself together with my youngest. She had contact with my oldest. So she was put in the midddle of all this crap. She started to act out and her coming to accept that she was abused. She faded out of the org. She could'nt stand and watch me being in pain of the shunning treatments.

  The oldest reconnected with me after 5 years of separation. She had gotten married in those 5 yrs. I was'nt invited. The youngest was her maid of honor. She had a child. I think she realized the mother and child connection.

  Sent me a card asking if I want to have my grandson of the afternoon. Out of blue I said I would like to meet her and him at a cafe.

  It was a emotional experience for the both of us. I never never held out hope of ever seeing her again. The relationship has grown over time. Now she is on the edge of it all. She says she's too lazy to go to meetings. I think there is more ot it.

  My heart goes out to all of you. I don't understand how a org. can put wedges between families and friends. It makes no sense.

  All the Best, OCW
• 

  Billygoat

  In my dad's eyes, I am dead.

  ((((((Dede))))))) Perhaps because I've never "lost" my parents to death, I wouldn't be saying this, but I will. Sometimes the embarassment and sadness of having parents shun me, is so incredibly strong, that I think it'd be easier for them to be dead. I could at least understand that my parents don't talk to me because they're dead...not because they CHOOSE not to talk to me.

  A few days ago, my boss noted on my calendar that it was my dad's birthday. (I had written it in there - I don't really know why.) He said, "Are you a daddy's girl?" Gulp. Uh...no. My dad won't talk to me. But how do you say that? I squirmed a lot at that question. My boss would never have understood that as he is a very loving and affectionate man with his family. I can tell he is a good dad.

  I see those type of situation's (like Moz and his folks) and it just reiterates to me how sick this cult is. What it does to it's members regarding shunning and their sick sense of "love" is one of the most heinous things to me. I KNOW without a doubt, that God is in heaven seething over their actions. And one of these days He will MAKE SURE all of those people see the wrong in their ways. I don't believe he'll be merciful in most cases, but I could be wrong.

  In my parent's eyes, I am dead too. I understand the pain. But you and I have been blessed with husbands that understand we need more love than the typical wife because of that. Almost as if we're emotionally malnourished and it'll take years for us to catch up on the love we should have had as kids/teenagers.
• 

  LyinEyes

  My heart goes out to all of you , it seems that the large majority of those who replied to this thread so far , have the same kind of shunning to the extreame that I am getting.

  Since my Mother is dead, I know there is nothing that can be done with our relationship as far as making amends over past things. But my dad CHOOSES to hurt me , by playing dead to me and thinking of me as dead , when I am so alive and so DAMN well!!!!!!!!!!!!,,,,,,,,I am moving on,,,,,, I never thought I would say that , I always hated to hear someone say ,,,,," just move on", but really it seems to be happening to me. I still hurt ,but I don't let it stop me from being happy and enjoying every little drop of happiness that my life is giving me.

  Here are a few pictures of what my dad is missing. I guess in his eyes,,,,,,,,he will count his grandchildren off as dead too........ He does not call, does not ask thru the family grapevine how they are, or cares to send a card,,,,,,,,,,,,nothing.......... As you can see in this pictures my children are alive and well , also and very happy. His loss,,,,,,,,,,,boy is it his loss........one day ,I hope he drops his head in shame at how he has done his grandchildren, who are so precious to me.

  Here they are at Six Flags,,,,,,,,,,, living their little lives to the full.......
• 

  gumby

  Dede,

  How close was your dad to your kids........BEFORE you left the Organisation and he knew you did?

  I was wondering how I would have treated my grandkids had I stayed in the Organisation and had my daughter and her two kids...( my grankids).....left it? Would I have had the thinking ability as a dub to say...."Im not going to shun my grandkids also......only my daughter. My grankids are to young to blame them too".

  How can a dub see the grandkids of two "Apostates"? I wonder how MOST ex-dubs would have handled this situation with their grankids had the tabled been turned as I mentioned? I really can't say in all honesty what I would have done had the shoe been on the other foot, because the mindset of a dub is twisted as we ALL know, and mine was twisted too.

  I am sure your dad loves you very much.

  Gumby
• 

  ESTEE

  Garybus wrote:

  They have their book publishing corporation and each other.

  Saaaadd...how loyalty to a publishing company gets mixed up with loyalty to one's family....sheesh!!! DemonicTM, wouldn't you say?

  ESTEE
• 

  Lady Lee

  gumby

  I'm sure your dad loves you very much

  I'm sure Dede will come in and let you know.

  In my case my mother has always had an open door regarding my girls. She took one on vacation with her once. She could have taken them when I went in the hospital. She helped out with one daughter's wedding and ignored the other one. She worked with one at the same job for a while.

  Not every parent is capable of love. Sad but true. I understand why she is the way she is but that doesn't excuse her behavior
• 

  alfie

  Ah yes, family shunning, How appropriate for a "Christian" group. Mrs. alfie's son hasn't spoken to her or myself in over two years. The last communication we had was at his wedding and then only my wife was invited. I only went because she refused to attend if I wasn't allowed to go. After that, Mrs.a called her son once and was told by him that neither she nor I were to call as we had nothing in common with him or his, notwithstanding the fact that he was borne by her for nine months then raised singlehandedly by his mom, who also supported him no matter what when he wanted nothing to do with the WBTS. I find it fascinating because neither Mrs.a nor myself are df'd, we're "inactive" and often chat with witnesses we know, several elders included. We don't have close association anymore, however it is only the son who has taken it upon himself to decide that we're not worthy of civil treatment. I personally have no problem with that, but I know my wife is quite hurt. CIAO4NIAO!! alfie
• 

  run dont walk

  But it seems that some take the extreme route and write you off as dead.

  How true, and this FACT alone, proves the Watchtower is wrong, Jesus would talk to anyone, even the most evil people of the time from kings to soldiers to the poor.

  Did Jesus not say that no one should JUDGE but Jehovah, for only he knows the HEART of the person.

  How could a parent do this to someone they gave birth to. Is living forever in a paradise that important ???

  My family will talk to me on occassion (rarely), but it always ends in an argument.

  I feel that I never had a real family my whole life. I spent most of my younger years wondering How am I going to get out of this crap. When I left at 19, I was on my own, with a minimum wage job and had to fend for myself, financially and mentally, it was hard growing up alone. My family REALLY thought that I was gonna fall flat on my face and come crawling back, so they could say, "this is what happens when you leave Jehovah's organization." Well, 17 years later, I am doing better then ALL my family put together. And I know it bugs the hell out of them. They (the JW'S) think this world is such a terrible place, hey it's not perfect, but there are alot of great people out there who were never JW's about 4,000,000,000 or so maybe more.

  Feel for you Lyineyes, your dad should be SMACKED in the side of the head !!!!!!!