Got myself into a heck of a mess...please help!

by kitties_and_horses_oh_my! 8 Replies latest jw friends

  • kitties_and_horses_oh_my!
    kitties_and_horses_oh_my!

    Do you ever just want to kick yourself, really hard, preferrably down a flight of stairs? (No suicidal tendencies here, just frustration with myself!) I am such a people pleaser, have been all my life (no doubt in part due to being a very faithful JW for 24 years of my 25 years of life) and it seems to get me into so much crap. A bit of background, then on with the story: my husband and I left in September (just stopped going to meetings) and have been completely inactive since. I've been reading a lot about religions of the world, as well as Franz's books, books on archeaology, etc., trying to figure out what I can truly put my faith in. My general conclusion is this: there may be a God, but there's no way of proving it; archeaology doesn't really support a lot of the claims the Bible makes; evolution seems like a pretty possible scenario; and overall, as much as I want to believe in God, there's no evidence for it and especially there's no evidence that the Bible is from God - pretty much the opposite. In 500 or 1000 years people may very well look back at Jesus the same way we view the Greeks and Romans with the gods Zeus and Neptune - a totally foolish belief.

    Now, this is almost embarassing it so SO stupid, but here's what I did. I've been off and on some of my depression/anti-anxiety meds lately (DR thought I was ready to go off two of my meds and I was in agreement, went off them slowly, just about flipped out, saw my DR and am back on them) and have been very emotional. On top of that, my family (parents, etc) aren't really talking to me due to my leaving. My job is great, very friendly and caring people. My boss is especially different than your average boss: she really views us as a family. She demands a lot, and I give a lot to gain her approval. Well the other day I was feeling really lost and alone and started to write her this e-mail (btw, she's also a very devout Christian who knows that I'm an ex-JW) asking her about why she felt she could have faith in God. I changed my mind half-way through, but we have an old ERA system terminal for our internal e-mail and I couldn't delete the message. I ended up finishing it and sending it. She called me up to her office later on and preached to me for an hour. She said she believes because she's always believed, because she knows there's a God. Not very helpful in my search, I'm afraid. She said she wants to pray with my regularly, and said a prayer with me that day. I don't mind her being interested in my religious beliefs, I think her caring so much is really nice and there's no legal issue because I was the one who brought religion up to begin with. But part of me (a big part!) is very afraid that I've backed myself into a corner, that she's going to expect her preaching to end me up back in a religion so I can be "saved." I can't really tell her "no, I don't want to talk about this anymore" and yet I don't want to compromise my own integrity (did that as JW for too many years!) by just pretending to be interested and believing in what she says.

    Any ideas as to how to handle this situation?

    Thanks for your help in advance!

  • AlanF
    AlanF

    Hi Kitties,

    As with many ex-JWs, you're beginning to question even the notion that you need something 'to put your faith in'. I am an agnostic, and many of my friends are also, or even atheists. We feel no need to 'put our faith' in anything supernatural. We've grown beyond such things. We view such things as the product of growing up in a JW/Fundamentalist/religious household, nothing more. I could comment ad infinitum about the reasons for this, but let this be enough for now.

    As for the situation with your boss, you're certainly going to have to handle it tactfully. However, there's no reason why you can't just tell her that you're not prepared to delve into yet more religious beliefs right now. You just want to take a breather and do a lot of reading in a wide variety of fields. Explain that you feel like your JW experience has left you ignorant of many important matters. She'll almost certainly understand.

    AlanF

  • Lady Lee
    Lady Lee

    You could safely tell her that the discussion the other day has triggered a lot of issues that you think you need to deal with differently for a while, Let her know you really appreciate her reading the email and her concern but for now you have discovered that you need to go very slow.

    It is honest and hopefully helps her pull back without being offended

  • Shakita
    Shakita

    Hi Kitties:

    After I read your post, I realized that I could have written your first paragraph myself! I am exactly where you are in your confusion of "what to I believe in now". I am personally just taking it one day at a time. Some days I curse God, other days I don't believe in a God at all. I am learning to accept that maybe I will die never knowing what I believe, but that is ok. I just try to live life the best I know how and, if I don't live up to God's standards, then that's just too bad.

    Lady Lee's advice was right on the money. Don't pretend to be interested, you will have to level with her eventually, and sooner is better than later.

    Mrs. Shakita

  • logansrun
    logansrun

    Kittie,

    When I left the JWs,I left the Bible as well -- many people do, so you have plenty of company. You'll be amazed at how the Bible makes so much more sense now that you can look at it as a fallible document. That doesn't mean that God or a spiritual realm don't exist -- I'm skeptical, but open to the possibility.

    Anyway, keep in mind that many "born-again" Christians are not as interested in getting you to go to their church (which isn't anything like the organization) as they are in getting you to confess Jesus. So, the "Big Commitment" is just not the same as if she was trying to convert you to JWism. Anyway, I think you can play it safe if you listen respectfully, tell her you'll "think about" what she's said and will continue your search. Be calm and subtle and everything might just fade.

    Good luck,

    Bradley

  • kitties_and_horses_oh_my!
    kitties_and_horses_oh_my!

    Thanks everybody. She did ask me if I was "saved" and to be honest I don't even know exactly what that means as it's not really a concept the JWs accept. I like the idea of just being, as my DH recommended, vague and non-commital and like Logansrun said, letting it fade. I hope that's what happens. I could accept the Bible as...something, maybe not the Word of God, but something of value, if I look at it as a book of history written a long time ago when people viewed things differently. Maybe the creation account and Noah's flood are allegories, stories for us to learn from, not historical fact. I still have a lot of problems with the "moral" taught in the Bible, especially the Hebrew scriptures (God testing Abraham, David's son dieing for David's acts of adultrey and murder, Lot offering up his daughters to a rape gang).

  • logansrun
    logansrun

    Kitties,

    I have no problem with the following parts of the Bible:

    Ecclesiastes, some of the Psalms and Proverbs and most of the Serman on the Mount. Everything else burns prettily in the fire.

    Bradley

  • jst2laws
    jst2laws

    Kitty,

    You honestly need time at this point in your life to figure out who you are, what you believe and where you are going. As suggested by Alan and others, your employer should be able to understand your dilemma and allow you time to adjust from exiting a cult.

    Tell your employer you are in touch with others who have made this adjustment and they advise you to take it slow and at a pace only you can determine to be spiritually healthy. Tell her you are enormously grateful for her understanding and being there for you, and know she will allow you the room and time you need to deal with so many years in the cult.

    Be appreciative and respectful (her intentions sound admirable) but resolute that this is what those before you have experienced and found successful. If you need it, at least I if not others will back what I have said here with a letter to your employer.

    Hope the best for you.

    Jst2laws

  • DanTheMan
    DanTheMan
    You just want to take a breather and do a lot of reading in a wide variety of fields. Explain that you feel like your JW experience has left you ignorant of many important matters.

    Good advice AlanF and others.

    I have an acquaintance who is an evangelical Christian, and he has taken quite an interest in my JW background. I have enjoyed discussing JW's with him, but I can sense that he is waiting for an opportunity to give me the evangelical sales pitch. This thread has given me some good ideas on how to deal with him tactfully.

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