- Your Leadership Is A Bit Dodgy.
For starters, they’re all so close to Death’s door that he has repeatedly asked them to stop loitering and just ring the bell. They’re so old and wizened that they have a hearse on 24-hour standby. A lot of them went on drinking excursions with “Booze” Rutherford, who died many moons ago.
Apart from this evident fact, it should also be noted that your Leadership is called the Governing Body, which is a blatant oxymoron, since none of them have been able to Govern their Bodies for several decades.
Despite having the stupendous frontal lobes required to vote Malawian followers of theirs to death for not buying tiny political cards, these lumbering dimwits still somehow manage to retain office, mostly by the application of “abstracted glory”, and an extremely rigorous system of Castes, which are called “Classes” in Witness parlance.
They rule with an iron fist over 6 million followers, many of whom truly believe that invisible Heavenly creatures whisper administrative and managerial decisions involving lives into the ears of the Leadership every night when they go to bed, occasionally still wearing their showercaps.
Yep, your Leadership is definitely a few pancakes short of a breakfast.
- Your Beliefs Include The Following:
- Women Are Similar To Cows.
- Ergo, women should wear dishcloths on their heads if forced to say a prayer in the presence of a male. Note that this even includes situations where the male is a new-born.
- Ergo, women who wear pants are severely frowned upon, and occasionally instructed to leave the Kingdom Hall for being dressed “inappropriately”.
- Women are distinctly lower-class. No woman will ever be elected to a position in the Governing Body, not ever. This all fits in very well with the overbearing Jehovah, who is evidently proud of this sort of thing. It’s His character, really.
- Once a year, you go to the Hall and pass bread and wine around to the people sitting next to you. If they are below 80 years of age and “partake”, they are definitively labeling themselves as battier than a two-thousand year old English castle. Then all the Elders get together afterwards and drink the wine anyway. All this stuff is considered extremely important, because it represents the blood and body of Jesus Christ. Notice that Christianity makes a definite distinction between the Blood and the Body of Jesus, even though they are intimately entwined in reality.
- It is OK to have transfusions of certain blood fractions, but not of whole blood. This is because the people who wrote the Bible were not aware of the existence of blood fractions, which is a bit funny, since it was so important to Jehovah. Surely he would’ve told them, considering how much emphasis is placed on it in the Bible?
- It is OK to have an organ transfusion, which probably involves the transfusion of blood within the organ, but you may NOT have a blood transfusion.
- If you peg after not receiving a blood transfusion, it was a decision that YOU made, not the Society, even though you were told by the Society that Jehovah would place you in his heavenly Privy if you had a blood transfusion. This all makes perfect sense to Witnesses, but unfortunately the news media have not yet caught on.
- If you are a child and you are raped, you have to accuse your rapist in front of the Elders, with the rapist present. This applies no matter what your age. And, if he denies raping you, he gets off scot-free, and you are labeled as a trouble-maker and often reprimanded for “causing divisions”. The Elders are also only allowed to report all of this to the Authorities if they are legally required to do so. If they aren’t, it might as well not have happened.
- Aluminum is a Satanic substance.
- Air-baths are good for your health.
- Ultraviolet light is “healing”.
- Beth-Sarim in California is the place where certain Middle-Eastern prophets of over 2,000 years ago will go when they are resurrected after Armageddon. Note that this belief does not include any sub-beliefs related to the following:
· How the Prophets will be identified, post-Armageddon. Possibly the Governing Body are planning to interrogate each and every Middle-Eastern resurrected person (apparently there will be billions, if you believe Watchtower doctrine in it’s horrific totality), asking them if their name is Abraham and so forth.
· Transport arrangements for said Prophets, considering that all forms of aerial and aquatic transport will have been destroyed. Perhaps the Prophets will be given swimming and shark evasion lessons. Or maybe they’ll make an effort to find Moses first.
· Prophets proving they are Prophets. For instance, there are thousands if not millions of “Abrahams” in today’s world. Since identification documents were not exactly de rigeur in the time of the Bible, this will cause some large problems.
· Most Prophets would have found Rutherford’s drinking habits slightly repugnant, to put it mildly. Thus, the large cases of alcohol “Booze” Rutherford gathered in that house will have to be removed.
- You Do One Or More Of The Following On A Regular Basis:
- Spend huge amounts of your personal time at a place called a Kingdom Hall where everybody has to wear a suit or a dress, depending on whether they have a weenus or not. Note that this doctrine does not include clauses for instances where people have chromosomal karyotypes like XXXY and so forth, which must truly suck for hermaphroditic people who want to be Witnesses, as they never quite know how to dress. This is very odd, since there must be at least a few of them in the Society, and Jehovah did create them, after all. Why aren’t they mentioned in the Bible? Tough one, isn’t it? Jehovah seems to have forgotten so many little details about his creations. But then again, if you take the Bible (well, the New World Translation) literally, it was Jesus who created humanity, so maybe we should have a quiet word with Him then. Oh, dang, that isn’t gonna happen!
- When inside this Hall, you may not ask questions, unless you are “conducting” (read: ruling) whatever Study is being done at the time.
- Asking questions during the Meeting is punishable by Spiritual Death if done more than once.
- If you don’t attend enough Meetings, you will also experience Spiritual Death.
- You have to sell a certain minimum amount of magazines and books every month (tracts don’t count), in order to prevent the wrath of the Elders falling upon your head.
- When you need more magazines and books, you can just obtain them from the counter, but if you don’t “donate” for the value of the books or greater, you will receive sharp looks from the Accounts Servant every time you go to a Meeting. Legally, this astonishingly underhanded practice allows the Society to still get most of the money back from their book sales, whilst at the same time appearing to be a non-profit, religious Organization. Which suits the “Boys” at the top just fine, believe me.
- You Think Doing Any Of The Following Is Spiritually Enriching:
- Performing any sort of maintenance on the Kingdom Hall.
- Driving a car with more than 2 doors.
- Castigating Catholicism Continually (CCC, not to be confused with COC).
- Wearing only white shirts if you are a man and you have to give a talk at the Hall.
- Sitting at Conventions for 8 hours a day, for 3 days, several times a year.
- If You Work At A Bethel Branch:
- You work for a below-minimum wage, and consider this a privilege, while the Governing Body gets to wear Armani suits and get driving around in BMWs.
- You print books containing women sitting on six-headed tigers wearing bikinis. Hey, it’s not all bad!
- Furthermore, said books predict imminent destruction for 99% of humanity, because Jehovah loves us.
- If you stuff up badly enough, not only do you get fired from Bethel, but you are also declared as being Spiritually Dead. In Bethel parlance, this is the notorious “Double Whammy”.
- On your first day, you get a speech about the Evils of Masturbation from a man who has never been married or, to anyone’s knowledge, has ever had a girlfriend of any sort. He’s always seen walking around with some of the best-looking guys in the building, though, for some reason.
- Your Religion Has A Thriving Group Of Devoted Ex-Converts Worldwide.
- You’re looking at one of ‘em right now!
- Your Religion Has Generated A Crop of Bizarre Urban Legends, Including, But Not Limited To, the Following:
- Smurfs running across Convention podiums during talks after liberating themselves from the sweaty clutches of demonized 3year-olds.
- Demonized curtain rings.
- Demons instigating demonic “sex interviews” (to use a term coined by a very famous deceased Governing Body member) between young men and women. Apparently, the sexual apparatus that Jehovah designed can be demonized, too. In fact, it is possible for several demons to infect discrete portions of the human body, which must suck the Big One for the owner of the body concerned.
- Demons (especially those infesting items of furniture) may be defeated by tying a New World Translation to said items of furniture, possibly with twine or another, more robust form of string.
- If your couch floats around unassisted, it is probably demonized.
- Your Leaders Instruct You Clearly That You May Not Create Websites About Your Religion.
- According to word from “The Top”, this includes absolutely all websites that have a Star-Trek theme.
- This is not, apparently, because Star Trek is demonic. Simply stated, it is because the colour-scheme of said sites resembles an angry fruit salad.
- If you do go ahead and continually chat on such a site, you are probably demonized, or at least a very big fan of Star Trek.
- You Are Forbidden From Watching The Following Movies:
- Shrek – Demonic activity and transfiguration towards the end of the movie. Also, the donkey exhibits crude language and cursing throughout.
- Pocahontas – Violence, and unbiblical glorification of women in general. They should be in the kitchen cooking, not prancing about in front of waterfalls and getting rescued and so forth.
- The Santa Claus – “Santa” is obviously an anagram of “Satan”, but besides that, we don’t celebrate Christmas anymore. This rule is still enforced with a rigidity that would have made Goebbels proud, even though the other doctrines dreamed up by the same person are now almost all considered “matters of conscience”, e.g. not having blood transfusions, cow-like women, etc. But if we catch you with a Christmas Tree or a suspiciously wrapped package, you will be considered Spiritually Dead. Even a single blinking light can get your ass kicked out of the Hall if an Elder spots it, so hide those torches, folks. We’re very touchy about “Light”, especially “New Light”. And if we hear you whispering “tacking” under your breath, consider yourself Disfellowshipped!
- The Little Mermaid – A story of feminine liberation, and as such automagically added to the big old contraband pile.
- Toy Story – Definitely a demonic movie, featuring the activities of droves of demonized toys. Cowboys are also demonic.
- Pokemon – The very real risk of having a grand mal seizure from watching some of the fight scenes aside, this movie sizzles with violent demonic activity. It was so demonic that the reviewers at Bethel were unable to take it out of it’s DVD case!
- Beauty And The Beast – We shouldn’t even have to tell y’all not to watch this movie. For crying out loud, there’s a liberated women in it who whizzes around in the arms of a giant demon spawned from the Ninth Circle of Gehenna!
- When Your Leaders Change Their Minds, That’s OK.
- But don’t you dare ask why they did!
Thanks to Metatron for providing the idea for this thread. Do browse through his excellent (and more serious) thread related to this one: