Just going to give a little background about myself and then bring anyone who is reading this up to speed with where I am today:
Growing up in a family that was not aware of Jehovah's Witnesses at all, as none of my family members have had a run-in with them other than my parents, my entire life has been a mess ever since we met them. The Witnesses first came to my door when I was 12 and my Dad started bringing me to meetings and we even lived with a witness family for a month when we were both homeless due to my parent's divorce. We dabbled in and out of the truth because we moved more than 10 times in the next 6 years, so it made it very hard to become very acquainted with any congregation for more than a few months. Then, when I was 18 I ended up being homeless myself while going regularly to the original congregation I attended back when I was 12 and the same family took me in for half a year so that I could at least graduate high school. Soon after I graduated high school I found that their children who were all in their 30s and 40s were pressuring them to get rid of me and a lot of rumors were spreading in the congregation about me because I was reserved and still had no friends in the congregation. So, I dabbled in and out of different congregations for many years after leaving because of myself becoming so upset with everything and now I am back to living with my Dad. As of today, however, I just missed my first meeting since attending regularly for a month and a half and missed my study with an elder(who is my teacher and clearly seems to be too busy to deal with me, even though he was persistent with taking me as his study) because of having a mental breakdown.
So, now that we are up to speed I would like to address the following and am hoping that the community on this website could be somewhat helpful, since this is my first post on here:
Basically, I deal with severe depression, anxiety, OCD, and being bipolar, and I have kept it well hidden in my full-time job and even in the congregation itself, but it has now become WELL aware with the elder (who is my teacher) to the point he had me go admit myself to the hospital for a mental evaluation. And yes I had thoughts of suicide, but I have been for almost 10 years now. But, It has been getting really bad, like I mean to the point of having my hand on the trigger, since I have been studying with the witnesses, and have been reading my bible daily, and have cleansed myself of things deemed as sins in the bible. However, I have not made any friends and sit by myself now, despite having hung out with a few witnesses and a witness family, though never have I even spent any additional time with my teacher other than having lunch with him and 2 others after a weekend meeting. Now don't get me wrong, but I really love the people, the beliefs, just everything, and I have never been a fan of the worldly things that dominate the majority of people anyways, such as swearing, sex before marriage, getting tattoos, etc. But I mean what do I do? Nobody sent me a text since missing my first meeting, including my teacher, and I have now returned to doing some of the sinful things I used to do so that I am at least not being suicidal. Anybody have any suggestions, because I just feel so alone and really I worry if my Dad dies, not that anything is pointing to that, I will become homeless again because none of my blood family really cares about me, and I don't have any friends,and my job does not pay me well enough to be able to even live in a single bedroom apartment. And if I lose my Dad I know that I will end it, but again I need someone's advice if they think that there is even any hope for me in this life.
So again, if anyone has any helpful advice please inform me!
And yes I have now started seeing a therapist and I am going to have to switch medications because It is not helping me very much.