How do you deal with "toppers"? [one upmanship]

by compound complex 18 Replies latest jw friends

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  compound complex

  When in conversion, you sometimes get carried away and the talk becomes all about YOU.

  Then, you remember you're in a conversation, say you're sorry, and allow the other person to talk. She goes on about what's happening in her life, you listen and ask some questions. She tells you more and then shifts the dialogue back to you. Ideally.

  It gets annoying, however, when whatever you say is "topped" by the one hearing, who seems unconcerned about listening to what you have just said. Totally oblivious, in fact. He has a greater accomplishment, or, conversely, a sadder story than yours.

  When shut down in conversation, do you simply listen politely, or do you try to steer the conversation from its one side to the originally intended two sides? Maybe, excuse yourself while Chatterbox carries on?

  I found this online:

  In our family we shout "topper" when anyone starts immediately trying to "top" someone else's achievement etc. [https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1166609-My-mother-and-one-upmanship]
  
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  dubstepped

  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qBJ6yptGqm4
  
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  Wild_Thing

  I have someone close to me that does that. We all, as humans, tend to be a bit egocentric. But yes, some take it to an all new level. I had to make a hard decision. Is it deal breaker in our relationship? Or is it something I was just going to have to accept and understand the limits of our relationship. I chose the latter. It makes me sad sometimes, but I had to come to realize that that person is not someone who I can share things with and expect her to listen. I have to have other people in my life for that. It's sad, but it's my reality.
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  compound complex

  "You drove on the Autobahn? I drove on the Sea of Tranquility in my lunar rover.'

  Thanks, dubstepped!

  "I was just going to have to accept and understand the limits of our relationship. I chose the latter." -- Wild_Thing

  Me, too -- do I ever understand!

  Thanks!
  
  
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  Pete Zahut

  One uppers and know-it-alls are are particularly annoying to to those of us who actually have done everything and truly do know everything.
  

  One uppers come across as thinking they are better than you but in reality you need to be patient with them because they don't think they are better than you at all. In fact, they view you as someone who is higher up on the imaginary social ladder and who is worthy of impressing.

  There's a guy at work like that, no matter what you say, if hasn't done it better himself, he knows someone who has .
  

  Him: Oh, I never check luggage when I travel....it's strictly carry on for me.

  I usually make some sort of joke out of what he's saying and once he sees I couldn't give two rat's asses about anything like that, he backs off.

  Me: Me too, I usually stuff everything into a black garbage bag and drag it on the plane with me.
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  JaniceA

  The one-uppers are clearly admiring of us, so I take it as a compliment and just chuckle to myself. If they are doing that, file it away as information that may come in handy later. Maybe while playing a game of strategy.

  The ones who annoy me are those who try to invalidate my experience or observation because they disagree with me, experience of understand it differently ( for whatever reason. ) I don't mind a respectful disagreement or an opposing experience/ perspectives, that makes life interesting - but calling me out as a liar or stupid simply because you disagree with my faith or politics or favorite Beatle . . .that's not honest. It's also weak .
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  compound complex

  Great replies, Pete and Janice.

  THANKS!

  In researching this topic -- to get some background in answer to my own queries on one uppers -- I read that these people are insecure and, generally, one up only those they know, not strangers (who themselves may outdo the former).

  Good point about your comments being invalidated. So much more to say on this subject, . . .
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  scratchme1010

  When shut down in conversation, do you simply listen politely, or do you try to steer the conversation from its one side to the originally intended two sides? Maybe, excuse yourself while Chatterbox carries on?
  

  It depends. I think some people do that as a way to show that they understand. Some feel comfortable only when they feel "better than...".

  My reaction is not the same, depending on the circumstances. Right now I'm dealing with some annoying guy who started working who does that kind of thing about the work we do. Seems like he has a need to prove himself in everything we discuss.

  In some instances I excuse myself politely, especially when the other person goes on and on, in other instances I listen, sometimes it turns out that the person does have an interesting story or anecdote. When I feel is ill intended, I start by steering the conversation in other direction, and it escalates until the person gets it one way or another. However, politely listening and asking questions, in my experience, has done wonders. Seems like a lot of people have things to say and don't have a lot of listening ears.

  Furthermore, when I politely listen or ask questions, I have experience that the person actually stops and/or moves on, but more importantly, they feel good, which promotes better interpersonal relationships.
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  Scully

  Thank them for sharing their story and give them a round of applause.
  
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  AllTimeJeff

  I always appreciate it when a person lets me know sooner rather than later that they don't belong in my inner circle, and won't be mailed any invites. ;)