Being Disfellowshipped + On-Going Cycle of Depression
@steve2 I think we're finally past that expectation that I'll 'come to my senses.' I've made my stance very clear. I do agree that I need to be independent of them, which is why I'm asking for advice re: breaking the grip of depression that sometimes hinders my ability to stay on top of my work to do so. To be clear, they are not paying my bills. The last time I sought their support was maaaaaybe winter 15-16. I honestly don't remember. They continue to offer in-kind support that I haven't asked for in the form of childcare but that's it. And yes, in spite of my occasional dependency on my parents, I would consider myself fairly successful professionally for a 24 year old - I mean having my writing in publications with international readership, having presented or facilitated panels at academic conferences in the U.S, Latin America, Canada, and Europe, producing critically acclaimed visual art exhibitions sounds pretty impressive to me. Statustically, most college educated people in their mid-20s, particularly in the arts and humanities, are pushing coffee/waiting tables or not even that.
It's easy to come out of JWland having bouts of self-doubt and feeling unlovable or rather un-deserving of love hence the unsuitable partners, deep down you think you don't deserve any better. So pretty normal response to being a part of a high-control group for any length of time.
I think being a JW and being around JWs can induce a feeling of being helpless victim. I know with myself I am making great progress in my healing and undoing all the JW thinking etc etc and then bam if I run into a JW and have a conversation I have a minor setback for few hours or so.
I see it now as being a normal part of the healing process and remind myself that only a couple of years ago running into a JW would have set me back weeks not hours so I have come along way. But, it takes time and sometimes you have got to learn how to love yourself. Difficult, as loving one's self is a sin in WT land but a healthy measure of self-love and self-care is vital for mental and emotional health.
Basically you have to learn to love yourself enough to treat yourself better.
Thanks Cimarrona - your reply is very helpful. Overall you are making very good progress, aside from the bouts of depression. I endorse the replies of others who have commented about self-help resources and/or therapy such as CBT (i.e., Cognitive Behavior Therapy) for depression.
Work in the dirt, great suggestion.
Exercise in nature, one of the most recommended therapies.
I had it as rough as any, I day hiked Whiskeytown Park [pretty cool name huh] 4 - 10 miles, it works.
Put your son I a joggers push carriage, you will create a bond that will do both of good. And in time you will realize it was one of the best investments you ever made.
In nature you will meet life's winners, no losers
Hang in there, mountain woman, things will get better with time. Your parents telling you "this is what happens when one rejects Jehovah's organization" is an example of one of the symptoms of a cult. Cult leaders often implant in the minds of their followers the idea that they will face adverse circumstances and trials if they leave.
I really want to get out of this loop, but I feel stuck. I'm currently in search of a therapist. In the meantime... What has helped you guys?
First, something that helps is what you're just doing, that is, reaching out. I'm glad that you posted this. This is something that can help.
Second, probably it's a good idea to check if your depression is medical in nature. I'd suggest to rule out any chemical imbalances, and visit a mental health doctor than can help you determine if you may need medication for it.
Regardless of the source of it (medical or not), probably a good counselor, maybe one that specializes in mental health for people who have been to groups like the JWs, or one that specializes in depression, could help sort things out.
I think it's important to get the opinion of a medical doctor that knows about depression. You may be experiencing something that may be out of your control and not necessarily related to your past.
Please keep us posted.
The WT religion thrives on making JWs feel never-good-enough, even worthless.
If you read through Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John to see how Jesus valued and treated people, I think you'll find it's pretty much the opposite.
You might find that therapeutic.
Cimarrona. You are loved here and are by your own hard work successful. The other writers here are spot on, sects require absolute obedience and the wt is atypical in that regard and they are champions at making people feel low.
I suffer PTSD and bi-polar and my journey through the wt years was frequently hell. You are doing ok in fact you are doing very ok.
I too am artistic and would love to meet you one day.