Hello, RawrSaysThe Lion:
You said "I desperately want to find someone to share my world with but I feel I am too tainted to be loved"
I am concerned about your feeling "desperate" it is a heavy word and you would not have used it if you didn't feel it intensely. So is it that you feel a great need to be loved? Can we start there? If that's the source of your angst that's quite normal because we all want to be loved. But if you have not felt loved for a long time then it makes sense that you would think of, or want to seek that in a romantic relationship. Love is a very powerful source of comfort. Just keep in mind that you can fulfill your need for love without delving into a romantic relationship. A true, loving, friendship takes time, and romantic relationships are more successful when they begin that way. Anything that starts quickly can end painfully, even with someone you think is morally superior to you. It might help to figure out what is under current for your desperation by writing about it in a diary or journal that only deals with that one issue. Why do I feel desperate for love?
I can tell you from experience that in the past I dealt with a great deal of misery. Everyone I knew had a normal parent. I did not. And, others actively advocated for my parent. So in a sense I get that two world feeling. I worked it out in my mind overtime and came here to share my concerns about how I was treated. You have everything you need within to resolve this challenge. And if you don't you can always develop it. You can do it.
The other thing I want to assure you of is no one in the Kingdom Hall is superior to you. Some may be more obedient to the construct of order, and chastity but no one there is in any way superior to others. You may be very surprised to learn that those who behave superior to others have done things that you would not dream of doing, and they have done it while giving talks about the issues they are guilty of, or answering questions boldly, and passionately, condemning the behavior of the person in the magazine when that is exactly what they are doing. Many have done these things in secret and have continued on without anyone discovering it. This is also the reason they behave so superior to others. They believe they are smarter than others.
You on the other hand are exposing your errors and speaking candidly about your needs. This is admirable. Now all that's left to do is to delve deeper within. Believe in you.
Wishing you the very best.