100 Ways to Tell if You're a JW
Author Unknown
Source: http://clubs.yahoo.com/clubs/christianexjehovahswitnesses Messages 913 - 917
- 001) If your reaction to someone wearing a Cross is the same as a vampire's, you might be a JW.
- 002) If you think demons can reduce their size to fit in jewelry, furniture, books, or into blue smurfs, you might be a JW.
- 003) If you equate the numbers 1 to 5 with hours on a time slip, you might be a JW (just not a very good one).
- 004) If you feel that death is much more important than birth, you might be a JW.
- 005) If you think that all R-rated movies are not worth seeing, you might be a JW.
- 006) If you think that all men with beards and long hair are not acceptable, you might be a JW.
- 007) If you think that Circuit Overseers do not receive a salary, you are a JW.
- 008) If you think Circuit and District Overseers stay in cheap hotels or the drafty homes of common neighborhood folk during conventions, you are a JW.
- 009) If you think Jesus hasn't accomplished much of anything for the past 86 years, you aren't the only JW who does.
- 010) If you think JW's are not a cult, you are a pitiful JW.
- 011) If you think the Watchtower is not capable of mind control, you are a JW.
- 012) If you think field service is other than working in the corn fields, you might be a JW.
- 013) If you think elders are other than elderly people, you might be a JW.
- 014) If the newspaper headlines read: "All humans on earth are smashed, and destroyed on Christmas day. Only JW's survive!!" and this would bring joy to your heart, you'd be a JW.
- 015) If you have constant pain in your right shoulder and can't unclasp your right hand, you probably have bookbagitis, a disease unique to JWs.
- 016) If you can't have a conversation with another human being without hearing a voice in your head saying, "CONVERT HIM OR DIE!", you are probably a JW.
- 017) If you are a male and sitting in a Kingdom Hall when a very good looking young lady comes in in a miniskirt, and your first thought is, "How immodest that sister is!" rather than, "Oh Thank God!", then most likely you are a JW.
- 018) If you eat turkey on Thanksgiving and feel guilty about it but insist that it is only because they were "on sale", you are a JW.
- 019) If you have costume parties for the "young ones" within a month of Halloween, and, if you wrap presents in brown paper to give each other on "Family Gift Day", you are not only a JW, but a Worldly Wannabe and aren't fooling anybody.
- 020) If you have awful dreams about getting caught holding someone else's cigarette and no one will believe you that it's not yours, you're probably a JW.
- 021) If you can't buy a pair of shoes without thinking about how comfortable they will need to be while walking down residential streets in 95 degree heat, then you're a JW.
- 022) If you just bought a dress that comes down to your mid calf that has puffy sleeves, a collar that button to your chin and lace trim, then you are a JW with a part on an Assembly. You might even be thinking about wearing makeup for the occasion.
- 023) If you have a child that is 3 years old that sits quietly for hours at a time while adults discuss mind numbingly boring topics around him, and you brag about him to all your friends... you might as well get a saddle for him and ride him because you broke his spirit and he is no longer a child. And you might be a Jehovah's Witness.
- 024) If you allow an organization to take the place of Christ, you are most likely a JW.
- 025) If you think of an ark as an organization, you must be a JW.
- 026) If you believe that God ignored everyone for nearly 2,000 years, then suddenly gave His truth to a man who sat around drawing pictures and plans of pyramids, you must be a JW.
- 027) If you can't pick up a book, or anything else to read, without picking up something to underline with also, you might be a JW.
- 028) If you insist in calling the New Testament the Greek Scriptures, you might be a JW.
- 029) If you treat all people wearing crosses like they're idiots, you might be a JW.
- 030) If you have a tendency to justify lying, cheating and stealing if you do it yourself, you might be a JW.
- 031) If when you drive by a church building you suddenly feel all smug and superior, you might be a JW.
- 032) If when you drive by a Kingdom Hall you suddenly feel all warm and fuzzy, you might be a JW or drunk, or both.
- 033) If you feel you have a great wealth of Bible knowledge, you might be a JW.
- 034) If you're sure your neighbors are all conspiring against you, you might be a JW.
- 035) If you've spent days at a baseball stadium and never saw a ball and didn't even have a beer, you might be a JW.
- 036) If you possess the ability to sing loudly and proudly even if you're tone deaf, you might be a JW.
- 037) If the only verse you can quote from memory is Psalms 83:18, you might be a JW.
- 038) If you're afraid of someone seeing you with a beer in your hand, you might be a JW.
- 039) If you're always afraid someone might see and hear you when you're finally just being "normal", you might be a JW.
- 040) If most of the songs you sing have numbers for titles, you might be a JW.
- 041) If the first names of most of your best friends are either "brother" or "sister", you might be a JW.
- 042) If you've never watched Friends or Sienfeld, you might be a JW.
- 043) If your church is a "hall" and a sermon is a "public talk", you might be a JW.
- 044) If you wash cars or windows for a living but still own five suits, you might be a JW.
- 045) If you've never worn comfortable clothes in your life, you might have been a JW, from birth.
- 046) If you can have a Bible study without a Bible, you might be a JW.
- 047) If you're 25 years old and have never kissed anyone but your mom, you might be a JW.
- 048) If you go to New York for the weekend and spend the whole day in a publishing factory in Brooklyn, you might be a JW.
- 049) If the words "New Light" do not remind you of the hardware section at K-Mart, you might be a JW.
- 050) If you think morning coffee break is a perfect time to preach to someone, you may be a JW.
- 051) If you think that service to God can be measured in hours, you might be a JW.
- 052) If you think men are superior to women, you may be a JW.
- 053) If you think sex is a yucky thing you must endure, you may be a female JW.
- 054) If you think you're entitled to having sex regardless of what you wife: thinks, says, or how she feels, you might be a male JW.
- 055) If you think it's unfaithful to God to get an education or get a good paying job, you might be a JW.
- 056) If you check the Watchtower Index every time you have a question about anything, you might be a JW.
- 057) If you find out your co-worker's mother died, and your first thought is not, "Oh, how awful", but, "This is a great opportunity to talk about the Kingdom!"... you might be a JW.
- 058) If you think a Buick is a spiritually superior automobile...you might be a JW (Or you might be right):)
- 059) If the thought of entering a Christian Book Store sends shivers up and down your spine, you might be a JW.
- 060) If you expect to receive Christmas presents but not to give them, you might be a JW.
- 061) If hearing the term "Governing Body" causes you to become awestruck, you might be a JW.
- 062) If you think the term "pioneer" refers to someone other than Davey Crockett, you might be a JW.
- 063) If you think of window washing as a career move, you might be a JW.
- 064) If you think attending 5 meetings a week is a delightful spiritual experience, you might be a JW.
- 065) If you think Santa is another word for Satan and the elves are demons, you might be a JW.
- 066) -lost-
- 067) If you feel weak in the knees when you hear the term "apostate", you might be a JW.
- 068) If you think your "mother" lives in New York City, you might be a JW.
- 069) If you think all four door vehicles are "witness wagons", you might be a JW.
- 070) If you feel guilty for having natural desires, you might be a JW.
- 071) If you think 1914 is the year to end all years, you might be a JW.
- 072) If you think YOU conjectured the year 1975 (as the year the end would come, instead of the Society), you might be a JW.
- 073) If your closet if full of cheap polyester suits, you might be a JW.
- 074) If you never owned a Christmas tree, you might be a JW.
- 075) If you think the sound of a door slamming shut is Christian persecution, you might be a JW.
- 076) -lost-
- 077) -lost-
- 078) If you think Russell, Rutherford, and Franz are gods in heaven, you might be a JW.
- 079) If you have a tendency to refer to books by color instead of by title...You might be a JW.
- 080) If you read all these, and didn't allow yourself to laugh... you're definitely a JW.
- 081) If you hear "Along the Watchtower" by Jimi Hendrix or "Walk of Life" by Dire Straits and you feel spiritually refreshed, you might be a JW.
- 082) If you think the New World Translation is the least biased and most accurate translation, you might be a JW.
- 083) If you think it took 1,935 years to get 144,000 true Christians, you might be a JW.
- 084) If you think 1799 is the start of the last days, 1874 is when Christ returned, and 1914 is the conclusion of Armageddon, you might be a very old, disfellowshipped JW.
- 085) If you think "The Finished Mystery" which was released in 1917 was "meat in due season", you might be a JW who has never read the book.
- 086) If you think the "Should You Believe in the Trinity" brochure is nothing but honest and accurate information, you might be a JW.
- 087) If you think the destruction of Jerusalem occurring in 607 BCE is soundly supported by historical evidence, you might be a JW.
- 088) If you think "Jehovah" was in the original writings of the New Testament, you might be a JW.
- 089) If the Bible makes a statement and the Watchtower says, "Logically, this cannot mean what it says" and you believe the Watchtower is correct, you might be a JW.
- 090) If you view cleaning up a messy backyard as practice for working in the New Order, you might be a JW.
- 091) If Gospel music makes you cringe, but secular music makes you feel good, you might be a JW.
- 092) If you believe there was a Governing Body before 1971, you might be a JW.
- 093) If you watch "Oprah" and you see the people who pass the microphones and it reminds you of a meeting, you might be a JW.
- 094) If you believe that New Light that becomes Old Light and then becomes New Light again is God's way of doing things, you might be a JW.
- 095) If you think the Watchtower was preaching the truth in the years 1914-1919, you are definitely a JW.
- 096) If you go to "Home Depot" and go down the aisle where the doors for homes are displayed, and you feel the urge to knock on them, you might be a JW.
- 097) If the "ding-dong" sound on the Avon commercials gets you excited, you might be a JW.
- 098) If going to 7-11 is something to look forward to, you might be a JW in field service.
- 099) If you have no construction skills and you still go to all the nearby quick-build Kingdom Hall projects, you might be a JW trying to get out of field service.
- 100) If the Watchtower Society used to preach a certain teaching years ago and you deny they ever did, you are a good JW.