I met an Exorcist

by Terry 16 Replies latest jw friends

  • Terry

    I like to ride my bicycle to Starbucks.
    When weather permits I sit on the patio and write in the sunshine.
    A pesky crow I call Edgar usually arrives to beg (or steal).
    That's all you need to know before we begin.


    Location Exterior : The patio of Starbucks
    Time: 11 am
    Lou : Media / News analyst, religious fundamentalist
    Terry: Crow magnet and know-it-all
    Edgar: Spawn of Satan


    Our scene begins with two men at separate tables working at their laptops.

    Lou is a man of about 60.
    He recently moved from New York to Texas to start his own
    Videography business.

    He is shooing flies away from his laptop screen with a disgusted expression.
    A few feet away, Terry begins waving his arms and scowling.

    Terry: Thanks. They all came over to me now!

    Lou: Oh, Sorry. They need to provide fly swatters for people who sit out here.

    Terry: You’re obviously not a Republican Conservative!

    Lou: Um what? Actually--I am. Why do you say that?

    Terry: I’m being facetious. Conservatives preach personal responsibility rather than getting others to provide for them.

    Lou: Ahhh, I see. I see. That’s funny. Are you a Republican?

    Terry: You don’t want to know. Trust me.

    Lou: What--why not?

    Terry: It’s like asking Jack Nicholson to tell the truth on the witness stand.

    Lou: I’m sorry--I don’t understand.

    Terry: What did Nicholson answer when Tom Cruise asked him to tell the truth?

    Lou: (Blank expression)

    Terry: (Quoting Colonel Jessup in A Few Good Men) “You want the truth? You want the truth? You can’t handle the truth!"

    Lou: (Face brightening. He ‘gets it’) Okaaay. Okaaay. Why though? I’m serious.
    Are you Liberal, then?

    Terry: There are two things civilized people don’t discuss. One is Politics and the other is --”

    Lou: (Jumping in) Religion! Haha, okay sorry. I understand. It’s just that I produce many religious videos and I’m a Website owner who provides commentary on news events with a biblical and Christian viewpoint.

    Terry: I’m sorry to hear that. That means it’s impossible for us to have a civilized conversation.

    Lou: You’re a pretty funny guy. What do you do?

    Terry: I write. Among the things I write are analyses debunking religious fundamentalism.

    Lou: Sure. Sure. No really. Do you write books or what?

    Terry: Books, blog essays, CD liner notes, Short stories, poems, bathroom graffiti.

    Lou: I don’t know when to take you seriously.

    Terry: Welcome to my ex-wives’ world!

    From offstage a crow flaps down on to the patio and begins foraging near the two characters. Terry opens his backpack and removes a bag of corn chips.
    He proceeds to toss them at the crow with deadly accuracy.

    Lou: You two know each other?

    Terry: Let’s just say there is an interpersonal dynamic at play here. If I don’t feed him, there are consequences.

    Lou: Sounds like the Mafia!

    Terry: (Looking furtively left and right, raising his index finger to his lips) Sh-h-h-h. OMERTA!

    Lou: Haha. What kind of accidents?

    Terry: (Relates two bloodcurdling tales of Crow payback.)

    Lou: Are you being serious?

    Terry: Keyser Soze with feathers--that’s what we’re dealing with here.

    Lou: (Clueless) I’m sorry?

    Terry: (Quoting Verbal Kint in the Usual Suspects)
    "The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist."

    Lou: Actually, I have performed actual exorcisms on people!

    Terry: Of course you have.

    Lou: You can hear another person’s voice coming out of the possessed. And when you finally liberate them, their voice changes and a great relief comes over their body.

    Terry: (Knowing it’s time to go off the cliff) Is the voice coming from the person’s vocal chords or someplace else in the room?

    Lou: It’s the person’s vocal chords--but a foreign voice. Very frightening unless the power of Jesus Christ is there to protect you.

    Terry: (Sighing) I have a question about Demons.

    Lou: Sure, go ahead.
    (And now we begin)

    Terry: How big are Demons?
    I’m guessing they must be fairly tiny for a bunch of them to fit inside a human.
    I’m thinking of the one in the book of Luke called LEGION.

    Lou: Beg your pardon?

    Terry: A Roman Legion was from three thousand to five thousand plus soldiers.
    That’s a lot of Demons to cram into a person!

    Lou: Uh--well. . . Nobody ever asked that before. You do realize they are Spirits, right?

    Terry: What does that actually mean?
    The word Spirit--it’s a conceptual label rather than an actual thing, right?
    If I say the word “Chair” you know what I mean but only vaguely. A REAL chair is specific, has
    color, size, shape, design. I'm not asking a vague conceptual question. I'm asking about reality.

    Lou: Well. Um. There are spirits. God is a Spirit. They are real but. . .

    Terry: If something is real--as in reality--rather than imaginary--it exist with some magnitude, number, dimension, size--or else--why give it a name identity and number? I’m just asking what the point in possessing a person is--getting inside them? Why cram inside like clowns in a Volkswagen?

    Lou: (Lost) Uh. Well.

    Terry: “The difference between Science and Religion is the difference of thousands of years of human development. Right?”

    1. Ignorance and Superstitions
    2. Religious myths
    3. Philosophy
    4. Scientific method
    5. Technology and modernity

    Demons are a part of mankind’s first efforts to understand phenomena without Science or the scientific method of testing and measuring. We now know a thing cannot actually exist if it is not measurable, quantifiable, and testable.

    Lou: You must believe in Evolution then, rather than the Bible.

    Terry: Forty-thousand Christian denominations tap into that same source and -at the same time- DISAGREE each with the other.
    That, my friend, is not only chaos - it is a contradiction.
    LOGIC is the art of non-contradictory communication.
    No Truth self-contradicts.

    Lou: God is in charge. I let Him worry about that.

    BACK TO MY QUESTION: how big did you say a Demon is?

    Lou: (Trying to figure out where he’s going) Oh, I was saying: demons are Spirits and um---(lost in thought). . .

    Terry: Demons are Spirits without any size who can fit inside a human-- making it necessary to extract them by a ritual of exorcism? Is that what you are saying?

    Lou: Yes. I have performed exorcisms.

    (Terry is temporarily stunned at his good fortune)

    Terry: Single occupancy or multiple occupancy?

    Lou: (Wheels turning) I. Um. What?

    Terry: Never mind. It’s non-testable in any scientific sense.

    Lou: Well--you can measure the effects. You can prove Spirits by their effects.

    Terry: That’s like me saying to a Comedian--I’m not laughing, so you aren’t a Comedian.

    Lou: (Suddenly chuckling) That is funny. You are a funny guy.

    Terry: You see my point, then?

    Lou: Well, let me think about it.

    (A brief moment of regrouping)

    Terry: Did you ever hear a little story about a cowpoke known throughout the Badlands as the most accurate pistol shooter in all the land?

    Lou: I’m all ears.

    Terry: Dead Eye Dick, that’s him. He spent all day practicing target shooting.
    At the end of the day, folks would come out of hiding.
    “What’s he shooting at?”
    Then - astonished -The Townsfolk saw targets--very tiny chalk circles barely larger than the bullet hole--hundreds of them and NO MISSES!
    That’s how Dead Eye Dick achieved his legendary status.

    Lou: That’s pretty good shooting. So what?

    Terry: Don’t get ahead of the story.
    One day the town Blacksmith sneaks over to watch Dead Eye shooting at the barn.
    Suddenly he smacks himself on the side of the head.
    In town, that evening, he tells all the men in the Saloon what he saw.

    “We’ve been wrong all this time!” The Blacksmith shouts.

    “Why is that, Smithy?”

    “He shoots a hole in the barn FIRST and draws the circle Afterward.”

    (At this, Terry pauses and stares at Lou the Exorcist and waits…)

    Lou: (Thinking. Thinking.) Oh. OH, hahaha, that’s good. That’s good.

    (Pause ... and then ...)

    Terry: You, my friend, are Dead Eye Dick.

    Lou: I guess I better not feed him or I’ll incur a debt and end up like you.

    Terry: If only. If only.

    Lou: So, do you believe those Crow stories or not?

    Terry: I believe what I’ve seen. The other stuff is opinion, scuttlebutt and hearsay.

    Lou: Do you believe in Evolution?

    Terry: We are going in a circle, you realize?

    Lou: I guess its my turn to miss your answer.

    Terry: I accept the evidence of Science to the exclusion of the opinions of Genesis.

    Lou: Terry, the Bible is an infallible source of truth.

    Terry: Did God create Eve by taking Adam’s rib from his side or is that a legend?

    Lou: Fact.

    Terry: Then it was really Adam’s actual rib?

    Lou: That’s what the Bible says. Yes. It is a fact.

    Terry: That would mean Eve was created by cloning and was, in fact, a duplicate Clone of Adam--and therefore, a man! Now that is Science.

    Lou: Wuh-wuh-wait a minute--no it doesn’t? No, it isn't.

    Terry: If the story is just a made up story you can’t expect ancient writers and storytellers to know about DNA. But--if it is the infallible word of God--you’ve got a problem!

    Lou: Eve was a Woman--not a man. That’s proof she wasn’t a Clone.

    Terry: Which came first, the rib or the woman?

    Lou: The rib--but what--?

    Terry: Adam was a male. His rib contained his chromosomes and DNA. If they didn’t, Adam was a woman too.

    Lou: I--I, that’s. . .God could miraculously change Adam’s DNA into female DNA.

    Terry: The Bible is literally correct?

    Lou: Infallibly correct. Yes.

    Terry: How many animals does the Bible say Noah placed on the Ark?

    Lou: Two of each kind.

    Terry: You shall take with you seven each of every clean animal, a male and his female; two each of animals that are unclean, a male and his female; Which statement is factually true?

    Lou: Oh. Well. That’s--it’s a matter of perspective.

    Terry: If you’re renting out a one bedroom apartment and 14 people show up instead of two--is it a matter of perspective or room capacity?

    Lou: Hahaha. You’re pretty funny. I enjoy talking to you. I have to go now--I’ve got an appointment. Here’s my business card. I’m sure I’ll see you around.

    Terry: My pleasure. Oh--don’t forget your crow!


    End Scene

  • JimmyYoung

    I met a fortune teller.

  • Finkelstein

    Funny stuff , ask a spiritualist to define what is a spirit and they all get a tither.

  • Vanderhoven7

    Terry, did you check out his website.

  • smiddy3

    That was a good read Terry not only funny but surprisingly informative .

    I`m now looking forward to you meeting a Jehovah`s Witness ?

    One who will not or cannot be a witness for Jehovah ?

    I`m sure that would be an excellent piece of writing by you also .

  • Terry
    Vanderhoven716 hours ago

    Terry, did you check out his website.


    I watched a video he had produced.
    Predictable. It's a miasma of assertions.

  • Terry
    smiddy311 hours ago

    That was a good read Terry not only funny but surprisingly informative .

    I`m now looking forward to you meeting a Jehovah`s Witness ?


    Everybody who goes to Starbucks knows me and that I'm a writer.
    So, today a fellow in a suit overhears two other people talking to me about my writing and I say out loud that I'm writing about religion and how people have different ideas about truth.

    The man in the suit strolls over to me and we end up chatting about some awfully familiar territory! Suddenly, I noticed he's carrying the SILVER SWORD under his arm!

    He's a J-Dub! Ha!! He's wanting to count time out in service using me!
    I went into stealth mode.
    Funny thing how your heart starts beating fast. I hate it.

    I asked the man about his religious ideas and he gave me the usual response. Then, I suggested he sit down for a brief interview! I said it might be included in my book.

    It finally came out that he is an Elder in the local congregation!

    He asked that I not put his name in the book and I said I wouldn't.
    (I suppose he was covering his ass in case he said anything which could be construed as damaging.)

    After pretending he didn't have time--I could see he was flattered and really DID want to be interviewed by a writer for a book! (Vanity?)

    What follows is my attempt to be neutral, scholarly and professional.
    I began with as safe and uncontroversial a topic as I could think of.
    But it was clearly meant to strike weak spots i knew would be problematic.


    Question: "How do Jehovah's Witnesses manage diversity within their congregations?"

    Elder: "I'm not sure I know what you mean by 'diversity.'

    Question: "Individual opinions, tastes, dispositions are part of all societies are they not? How does your clergy or leadership manage basic human diversity?"

    Elder: "There really isn't any diversity of opinion. All Jehovah's Witnesses agree with all other Jehovah's Witnesses. There is a harmony of belief and practice."

    Question: "Is that because diversity is not allowed?"

    Elder: "Well, it's not quite like that. We're not a totalitarian regime; it's just that Jehovah's Spirit brings about harmony which might ordinarily spring up because of human imperfection. All of which is because of the correct application of God's word, the Bible."

    Question: "How is this any different from any other religious group--most of which are plagued by sectarian squabbles? There are over 40,000 Christian denominations disagreeing fundamentally enough to call their church by different names?"

    Elder: "We don't have churches. We have small congregations and they are all in agreement on all policies. All Kingdom Halls around the world are in 100% agreement with all the other ones."

    Question: "But how would you know that without internal opportunity for airing disagreement? Wouldn't Elders, such as yourself, step in and isolate any diverse opinion under the auspice of 'protecting the congregation' from heresy, apostasy, or divisions?"

    Elder: "I see where you are headed. But--no, it's not like that at all."

    Question: "I'm asking simply: 'How is it possible to know what your members are thinking, inasmuch as speaking dissidently or dissonantly is condemned outright as unspiritual and devilish?'"

    Elder: "Any Witness who has worries, doubts, questions is free to approach any of the older men in the congregation. That's what elders are there for."

    Question: "How likely is it that a member would place themselves under suspicion of disloyalty--in effect making themselves a marked target of suspicion?"

    Elder: "Well--if you say it like that--it . . . First let me say . . ."

    Question: "Isn't loyalty to the Governing Body an absolute requirement in order to be considered a member in good standing?"

    Elder: "I was going to say . . .well--no, I mean we don't have loyalty to weak, sinful, imperfect human beings. It is loyalty to God's perfect earthly arrangement."

    Question: "Can you unpack that in plain English?"

    Elder: "JW's are part of a government guided by heavenly appointed representatives. As an Elder, I have a responsibility to Jehovah. I must oversee, shepherd, and counsel. In some cases, I must preside judicially.
    We can't let predatory wolves creep in under the banner of 'diversity.'"

    Question: "My way or the highway? So to speak."

    Elder: "(Laughing) That would be Jehovah's statement; not mine."

    Question: "You're comfortable with speaking for Almighty God?"

    Elder: "It's a commission Jesus made clear. We are compelled to do that very thing. It's the core of evangelizing."

    Question: "Jesus hung out with a highly diverse group, totally at odds with the leaders of Judaism such as the Pharisees. If I recall correctly that would be prostitutes, thieves, tax collectors, fishermen---"

    Elder: "Oh no! Not thieves! Jesus didn't--"

    Question: "He chose Judas, didn't he? Judas was stealing from the collection box!."

    Elder: "Huh. . . oh, um. . .. well--okay. That's a technicality, But okay."

    Question: "My point being, diversity was not a problem for the founder of Christianity. Jesus didn't excommunicate anybody--did he?"

    Elder: "That wasn't his mission. He was a teacher and a healer and the anointed King-to-be of his heavenly Father's kingdom."

    Question: "What about the diversity question?"

    Elder: "What about it?"

    Question: "Do you try to be like Jesus in accepting prostitutes, thieves, and other social outcasts? Homosexuals, transgenders, etc?"

    Elder: "That's kind of. . . well--it's almost a trick question. The important thing isn't human diversity--it is putting off the flesh and putting on the spirit. It is the aspect of getting people to be a New kind of person--not staying the way they are."

    Question: "Well, correct me if I'm wrong on this. Aren't you really mixing up spirit-anointed Christians with the so-called 'other sheep'? You don't teach the Bible is FOR regular people--diverse people. You teach the Bible is for anointed persons chosen to become the Bride of Christ--right?"

    Elder: "Um. . . what, now? Oh! Okay. Okay. I'm with you now. I see what you mean. Yes. Um. . . let me clarify my meaning . . ."

    Question: "Please do. Take your time."

    Elder: "Jesus' ministry was for Jews. The Apostle Paul's ministry was for people of all nations. There is your diversity."

    Question: "What about Jehovah's Witnesses? Do you accept and celebrate human diversity for 'other sheep', Gentiles, homosexuals, transgenders, thieves, prostitutes, etc?"

    Elder: "Yes. IF THEY CHANGE and learn the Truth, become baptized and lead a clean life Witnessing about Jehovah's kingdom"

    Question: "So, you personally know non-practicing homosexuals in your congregation?"

    Elder: "What? Well. . . I didn't say I personally did, but--generally speaking we get all kinds of people who repent, reform, live by the rules so-to-speak."

    Question: "Pedophiles?"

    Elder: "I'm not sure I know what you mean?"(Growing uncomfortable)

    Question: "Do you know personally of any pedophiles in your congregation?"

    Elder: "That's. . . I. . . it's not for me to say--I mean to speak publicly about private matters of confession. I'm sure you know, priests can never divulge what comes out in confession."

    Question: "Okay. So--Jehovah's Witnesses and Catholic priests are like-minded in their silence on pedophiles, then?"

    Elder: "I really don't think it's profitable to continue this line of questioning. I have to go now. If you have any other questions. . . you can go online to our website. It's (says name of website) and it has Frequently Asked Questions." (Gets up and departs.)

    I'd have to say I felt just a bit sadistic while I was doing that.
    I'll have to work on moderating such non-virtuous feelings.

  • Finkelstein

    I think you did an admirable job Terry of revealing some inconvenient truth about the JWS internal cover up of pedophilia within the JW organization.

    Funny how you smack a JWS with some uncomfortable truth they quickly leave and retort " Go to JWorg. "

    Brand loyalty is a paramount inquisition with JWS no matter what , well Jah is watching after all to see how loyal one is to his chosen organization.

    Elder: "I really don't think it's profitable to continue this line of questioning. I have to go now. If you have any other questions. . .

    I would have gone into the organization's dating of events which keep on getting changed (1874 -->>) and how this change is most likely relating to the organization's literature proliferation agenda.

  • smiddy3

    Thanks Terry ,. I wasn`t disappointed .I think I would put this in the forward of your book.

    " Elder ( insert name here ) didn`t want his his name published in the book so I will honour his wishes and leave it out of the book"

  • Terry

    I have yet to meet an Elder who felt to me like they were being "real."
    It is that slight artificial flavor we see in most politicians where everything
    is a layer of icing.

    No feeling of being a human being under all that camouflage.
    JW's are forced to live a double life; one public and one private.
    Otherwise they'd go bonkers.

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