The REAL Reason I Stopped Going to Meetings
To sum it up in all one word...PRIDE.
I've always kind of attributed my subconscious "fade" to shame for living a double life by dating my non-JW boyfriend (now husband) while serving as a pioneer in the foreign language field. But I was actually pretty regular for awhile.
My pioneer hours did start to dwindle, however. I had always struggled with the hourly requirement, but I was really struggling now. I had taken to "fudging" hours on my time report, but I made sure even those hours were less than the required hours, since I didn't want anyone becoming suspicious lol.
The elders finally said they had to meet with me. I agreed to meet them at the Kingdom Hall. When I got there, there were 3 elders standing in front of me. I inwardly started freaking out because I thought my double life had caught up with me. Then mysteriously, they dismissed the third elder and took me in the back room. They pretty much told me that I should probably come off the pioneer list. I agreed, kind of relieved they made that decision for me.
Until I realized that they were going to announce that I was stepping down as a pioneer at the meeting in front of the entire congregation. I had never had my name announced on the podium for anything other than good news, so an announcement like that and the subsequent judging from my so called brothers and sisters mortified me.
So I decided to avoid the humiliation altogether by not going to the meetings, especially since I didn't know which meeting they were going to make the announcement.
So I guess you could say pride and fear of humiliation led to my unknowing fade...
I don't know how long you stopped going, but I would think they would be calling you again to ask about your attendance, or have you done what I think all Dubs should do when they get the call and that is just ignore them, don't return the call, and if if they start harassing you or your husband should tell them in a very loud voice, expletives included, to mind there f****ing business, that you're capable of living your life the way that you want.
Lol now that was another story. After my "double life" unraveled, the elders went in full attack mode. Since they couldn't call me (because I changed my number), they bombarded me with messages in my emails and all my open social media accounts. Then they found out where I was working and called my new job several times a week. They refused my request to meet with elders in my area who I thought would be more objective to my situation. I ended up disassociating in the end (I wasn't too familiar with the process of fading until after the fact).
Not wanting to be humiliated is not pride.
There's a difference between pride and healthy self-esteem that this cult robs people of. These men crossed personal and private boundaries.
...they dismissed the third elder and took me in the back room...
You realize how inappropriate that is, right?
Hopefully you get to the point when you feel mad at yourself for feeling ashamed for their inappropriate, inadequate, bully and abusive behavior, when they are the ones acting inappropriately. After that, you will gain the real perspective of your situation with them.
Being a pioneer is something that you chose to do. They should be grateful for what you gave them.
@scratchme1010 yeah, there are times I do get mad as hell for how I was treated. I wish I could've had the strength to stand up for myself back then and tell them to buzz off. I'm slowly working on being more assertive, but I must admit it is taking awhile for that "JW meekness" to wear off.
No it wasn't pride. The washtowel simply creates an environment of absolute humility- in order to exert its control more fully over the drones. So that elders will be obeyed, so that doctrinal flip flops will never be questioned by the subdued subservients. You however were too strong for them, they couldn't bully you into submission.