Like a moth to a flame

Esmeralda

Hi everyone...

What is it about this place? What is it that keeps drawing me back when I have
all these plans to try to just leave the JW issues alone, behind me and think
about other things?

I find its a strange phenomenon. The harder I try to stay away from it, the more
life throws the whole thing back up in my face.

I've been asking myself for awhile if there's some purpose behind it...something I'm
supposed to be doing with my life that I'm not yet? Oprah says that listening to your
life isn't a "Moses in the burning bush moment, people!" and that first God whispers in
your ear, then he speaks, then he yells, etc etc.

Am I supposed to be doing something more here!?

So what keeps pulling me back here like a moth to the flame? I can only think in the end that
it has to be the people. It has to be Mommy, and Mommie Dark, and Dedalus and
Tina and Thinkerswife and nojw and Silentlambs...

It's got to be you guys. You're with me wherever I go, and I guess this little chickadee isn't
ready to fly the coop yet.

What is up with that!!! Anyone else feel this way, that you think that you're ready to just chuck
the whole deal and really want to get on with your life...but the people who are struggling
with the issues that you have keep calling you back?

Rambling....and posting BC again (before coffee)

Love ya all
Essie

p.s. thanks so much to everyone who posted replies to the Smelling the roses thread...I'm sorry
I didn't reply, hope I didn't offend anyone. I have been on an emotional rollercoaster the past week,
crying for no reason, that kind of thing...I read them all, thanks guys *hugs all around*

waiting

Hey Es,

It's pretty early this morning. I'm responding because your post is new & others don't seem to be awake yet - even though I'm not mentioned......

Will try to give you a chuckle to hug yourself with for a moment of two.

We're all here for the same reason: to love me. Barry Manilow to his fans in Schenectady, NY

Glad to see you back & hope you feel better. It's the ease of our place that draws us in and keeps us, imho.

waiting

emyrose

Hi Esmeralda,
I think you keep coming back, because a true friend
doesn't just get up and leave forever. It's very
clear that some people here are your true friends and
you their's. You bonded on deep level with them it seems.
I'm new and don't know you well, but you are one of
the reasons why I'm still here.
Not only is it a pleasure to read your thoughts but
it has served as a form of therapy for me.
My heart goes out to, I hope the MS is not getting the best of you.
Emyrose
PS, stay iron-strong and keep writing if you can.

mommy

OH Essie
(((HUGS))) I read your email, ok so I was the one that cried this time I think we are all so complex and our lives so unexplainable to the outside, that we cling to those that require limited verbiage(word). I know I found this in several posters here. Almost like a connection to them. I know I too am drawn here after leaving 8 years ago and talking to a limited amount of people about growing up in the org. I finally recieved my, "I am ok" sticker after all these years. Of course I was ok before, but now I feel more at peace with my decisions.

I also feel like I need to be here for the newbies. The ones who are fresh out and have their family taken from them, or felt as I did so many yeas ago. I am not saying I even benefit them, but maybe a voice out there saying, "We have been there and still survived" is what they need to hear.

Of course it is fun here too I am sure I have more to say but, I have had only 3 cups of coffee, and still not awake.
love,
wendy

JT

the question was asked why we stay here

well in my view we are all graduates of the Watchtower University

we are all Alumni, we belong to the same Fraternity and Sorority

we will always be attached at the hip due to this life exp. that we share

I have read of those who were in plane crashes and survived or those in the Concentration camps

Often times when folks go through something together and SURVIVE to tell about it---- they realize that no one can really understand what it was like- you have to exp. it to know

And that is why the old saying--- GET OVER IT – GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE--
Simply doesn’t cut for many of those who went through life as a JW be it from infancy like myself to those who were in for a shorter time period

Just my two

James

"I'd rather have questions I can't answer than questions I can't ask (or answers I can't question)."

nojw86

WELL TOP OF THE MORNING TO YOU ESSE. NOJW STILL DRINKING HER COFFEE AND READING ABOUT HER NEW AND HAPPY LIFE HERE. SO SORRY ABOUT YOUR CRYING BOUTS, GOT EM TOO GIRL. SO LETS DRY OUR EYES, AND SMELL THE PURDY SPRING FLOWERES. AARE YOU SUPPOSED BE DOING SOMETHING MORE HERE? WE ARE ALL AN ENCOURGEMENT TO ONE ANOTHER. I JUST HAD A SICKNING THOPUGHT WE COULD HAVE BEEN OUT IN (GASP HORRORS OF HORRORS FIELD SERVICE). SO HOUSEHOLDER COULD I INTEREST YOU IN OUR NEW BROCHURE " HOW TO NOT BECOME A JEHOVAH'S WITNESS" HA HA HAAAAH HAA HAVE A GOOD DAY. NOJW

Seven

Hi Es,

The harder I try to stay away from it, the more life throws the whole thing back up in my face.

I've tried to wean myself off it several times and failed. I'm trying again now, but it's about Waiting, RedhorseWoman, Path, Frenchy, Simon, Kismet, and a cast of thousands-lurkers included. It's much too hard on the heart to try and give them up. Life is much better having them be a part of it. You are all part of the good memories of having been JW.

Seven

btw, Good to see you up and around this morning. {{hugs}}

Mommie Dark

Yes Mommy you DO help the newbies a lot. You also strengthen the resolve of others who are growing weary; when we see you being kind and straighforward to those newbies, it helps us maintain our slipping perspectives.

Isn't there something in the Bible about gathering together? Don't all human cultures incorporate fraternization rituals into their lives? We want society... we're social beings. Some might argue that we NEED the society of like-minded people.

As social groups go, this one is pretty stimulating. It has a real complex dynamic tension at its core. I love your 'moth to flame' analogy, Es. Just remember that if you kamikaze into the heart of a flame you will get fried hard. Warm yer cockles here but don't try to live in the flame's heart. (insert here Mommie's standard caveat about the rarefied atmosphere of internet communication and its magnifying effect.)

oblique to your point, hon, I was thinking about moths and flames and sacred light a while back, and it occurred to me to wonder: maybe if you obey that urge to 'go toward the light' you're working with as much info as the brainless moth had when he fried? IOW maybe we should not be so eager to enter that light at the end of the tunnel? Maybe there's a better place off some side tunnel? One that won't burn off yer whiskers?

slipnslidemaster

James,

I couldn't agree with you more. Thank you for putting into words my thoughts so eloquently.

. o O (slipnslidemaster)

Had Enough

Hi Esmeralda:

Glad to hear from you today. This thought has entered my mind since I started coming to this site a little over 2 months ago. I could'nt find the words to explain it because I didn't understand it myself, but being here and posting for the past month or so, has given me such a liberated feeling! I have learned so much about myself too, from being able to finally express my long-time suppressed feelings and doubts.

Reading yours' and others' experiences has opened my eyes even more and strengthened my conviction to keep learning more and trying to find a way to put my knowledge to good use with my still-active family.

When I read about your days of tears and feeling down, and yet you come here and give someone in need, your encouragement...those gestures spur us on.

Mommie:

When you said:

maybe a voice out there saying, "We have been there and still survived" is what they need to hear

, I say "YES" that's exactly what we need to hear, especially for me when I read someones's experience far worse than mine. It gives me a needed "boot in the rear" to get out of that day's slump.

JT

Your words:

we will always be attached at the hip due to this life exp. that we share...Often times when folks go through something together and SURVIVE to tell about it---- they realize that no one can really understand what it was like- you have to exp. it to know

rang so true for me.

I wondered at first too, why so many keep hanging on here after so many years away from the org. I asked myself "Why is our leaving so different from someone leaving another religion"?

But it soon became apparent to me that for so many of us, it's because of the hold the org has on its members by means of the strong conviction we're the only ones worshipping God in the only right way. We believed so strongly in the 'coming end of the system' and the 'paradise' we would be privy to. The excitement along with fear of failing and guilt when we did, is like a giant hook stuck through its members. In turn, these beliefs caused the lives of most of us to be affected in ways the 'world' didn't go through.

I identify so strongly with your phrase about "questions" at the end. I too want answers and not feel afraid to ask questions. I've always been a stickler for answers and detail, and am often teased in a loving way from my friends who know when they tell me something, I have to get the full picture...I don't like having to fill in the blanks.

To all:
It just makes my heart swell when I see you all take the time to answer those who need it, whether it be with sympathy, suggestions or a funny remark. They help not only the one you're answering but those of us who read it too. I'm so glad to be getting to 'know' all of you.

Had Enough (but not of this place!!)

Like a moth to a flame

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